No sheet

Dogs never have to wait in line for an MTO.

Blown save

No dog has ever caused their baseball team a victory by blowing a save. Instead of coming in as a relief pitcher dogs prefer to catch ball with their owners. It's a no pressure deal doggy style for the pups.

Derby

So 20 horses went to the post Saturday at 6-something with hopes of winning the derby in the old Kentucky home.  A horse named after the owner's penchant for additional snacks won by 1.5 lengths in a thrilling ride to the wire.  The dogs were in the room but showed little emotion for the event.  Dogs are smart enough not to bet on the ponies, something the losing ticket holders can't say.  Also dogs don't buy into the alcohol-magic of the 5th of May.  Cinco de what?

Barking contest

With Idol and Voice running to championship-caliber conclusions it comes to mind that no contest in made-for-TV fashion will ever take place for a best dog-bark competition.

Dogs don't nosey neighbor at open houses

Raffle baffle

Nice thing about a dog that's not true about a person you know...no dog has ever pitched a raffle ticket sale to you.  Yep.  Clean dog slate.  Other side of that coin, discomfort, waste of money, rip-off or OK I'll pay and play.  No one has ever said my day would be so much better today if someone just walked up to me and asked me to buy a raffle ticket.

Cursed Friday

Conceptually a dog never has to process the "how to behave" mode as it effects a moving sidewalk.  People have a tough time with this concept, sometimes.  For the record, just because the sidewalk is moving doesn't mean you stand still.  After all, it is first and foremost a sidewalk and one does walk on a sidewalk to get from point A to the nicer point B.  Secondly, a moving sidewalk does not exist in a place that is devoid of busy traffic.  That brings into play item number two.  Do not block the moving sidewalk.  Keep to the right if slow, to the left if fast.  Got it?  So a friendly fuck you to those who refuse to comply.  Dogs comply, people should too.