No sheet

Dogs never have to wait in line for an MTO.

Blown save

No dog has ever caused their baseball team a victory by blowing a save. Instead of coming in as a relief pitcher dogs prefer to catch ball with their owners. It's a no pressure deal doggy style for the pups.

Derby

So 20 horses went to the post Saturday at 6-something with hopes of winning the derby in the old Kentucky home.  A horse named after the owner's penchant for additional snacks won by 1.5 lengths in a thrilling ride to the wire.  The dogs were in the room but showed little emotion for the event.  Dogs are smart enough not to bet on the ponies, something the losing ticket holders can't say.  Also dogs don't buy into the alcohol-magic of the 5th of May.  Cinco de what?

Barking contest

With Idol and Voice running to championship-caliber conclusions it comes to mind that no contest in made-for-TV fashion will ever take place for a best dog-bark competition.

Dogs don't nosey neighbor at open houses

Raffle baffle

Nice thing about a dog that's not true about a person you know...no dog has ever pitched a raffle ticket sale to you.  Yep.  Clean dog slate.  Other side of that coin, discomfort, waste of money, rip-off or OK I'll pay and play.  No one has ever said my day would be so much better today if someone just walked up to me and asked me to buy a raffle ticket.

Cursed Friday

Conceptually a dog never has to process the "how to behave" mode as it effects a moving sidewalk.  People have a tough time with this concept, sometimes.  For the record, just because the sidewalk is moving doesn't mean you stand still.  After all, it is first and foremost a sidewalk and one does walk on a sidewalk to get from point A to the nicer point B.  Secondly, a moving sidewalk does not exist in a place that is devoid of busy traffic.  That brings into play item number two.  Do not block the moving sidewalk.  Keep to the right if slow, to the left if fast.  Got it?  So a friendly fuck you to those who refuse to comply.  Dogs comply, people should too.

Whistle

Some whistles are happy-oriented, like when someone wants to offer over-the-top praise for a hero at a public event by placing fingers in mouth like the Texas hook-em-horns symbol and belt out a sound higher pitched than a finishing note from Celine Dion.  Dogs don't whistle and that might not be a bad thing.  A loud bark is the near-equal anyway.  Whistling is mainly negative, think referees, and dogs just stay positive mostly.

Memory loss

Dogs, to the best of our knowledge, don't remember that they bought lottery tickets, get distracted while walking to get the lottery tickets, not recall any remote thought of ,lottery tickets, think about what they couldn't remember and 45 seconds later re-trace steps to realize, oh the lottery tickets are on the counter.

Keefer or Tom

Dogs can't have a head-debate over who runs toward fear better:  Cruise in any action flick ever, or Keefer in "24" except the held-captive seasons.

Tired act

Dogs don't reuse tired comedy routines, like popuar Monday night shows, where hilarity is anticipated when someone has a heart attack.

NBA

Due to the opposable thumb issue, the dog's are not so concerned with the NBA playoffs.

Invoices

Dogs are better off than people as they never have to deal with the term invoice.  A dog never gets and invoice.  No dog has ever denied payment on a legitimate invoice.  There are no invoices in their heads, ever.

Just saying....

Never saw a male dog walking around who wished he was a female dog.

Memory lane

People of a certain age remember rushing to the TV, reaching behind the tube and adjusting the vertical hold to stop the screen from spinning like the Price is Right wheel.  Dogs have no recollection of this.

PJs in grocery

Once again, dogs have more intelligence on style than people.  Couple spotted in grocery store on Sunday morning both wearing jammy bottoms (she Mt Dew he Angry Birds).  If you are over 12 this should never be attempted.

Computer resets

No dog ever has to endure a weekend of IT computer reboots followed by a reset.  It makes one long for a cursor on a green screen and DOS system vocabulary.

Cursing Monday - Window Proclaimations

No dog will ever pronounce to the world that their kid is a tea-kwon-do student via a sticker on the back of a car.  Speaking for the rest of the world, does anyone really care that Riley is enrolled at the local wear a white outfit say you know karate academy?  Or Carton plays hockey and wears #28?  It would be one thing if parents of really intelligent kids had the guts to declare the obvious and recognize the world-wide benefits in the process.  For example, smart scientific kid has family car (Honda) message:  "My kid will find a DNA-string that cures cancer, but couldn't tell a fastball from a bowling ball."  Or, "my child is so diplomatic that they will bring peace to the mid-east 2031."  So fuck those who use the SUV window to inform the world on kid clubs.  It falls into the brainless category of patting thyself on the back - another thing the dog doesn't do - in this "my gratification" world we live in where medals are given for a nice plop on the commode and trophies are granted for taking part in the sport.

Leaving April

April showers bring May flowers means about as much to a dog as the combination to Al Gore's Social Security lock box.  Here we are dangling on the precipice of another May 1 and the digs don't know April is ending.  When will the calendar tragedy stop?  When the world teaches a dog to comprehend the Julian calendar, most of us are still working on a humble "sit."

Opposable thumb issue #25781

Dogs benefit from the opposable-thumb design flaw as they can't help clean out the closets.