Take me out

Opening Day is here.  Baseball season arrives.  Dogs like ball.  They can play ball longer than a twi-night doubleheader.  Among all baseball teams there is no obvious choice for a dog following.  Closest thing are the two Sox franchises, Red and White.  Since most households have more white sox than red, the Chicago White Sox will be declared the unofficial team of dogs everywhere.  Open mouth insert sock is one aspect of play but what a dog really wants to hear, like basbell lovers everywhere, is the yell of "Play Ball!"

Street vendors

Dogs do not discriminate on the source of food.  People can camp in groups that dine on street-vendor prepared products, think New York City sidewalk-cart style cuisine.  Or they run from that concept as if it were the holidays with Piers Morgan.

No Bonds effect

Dogs are laughing at the Barry Bonds trial. They can"t imagine taking steroids to improve athletic performance. Even drug-free they can't be run down and caught.

Call them what

Is there a dog named Camel?  Or is there a camel named Dog?

In a name

Cog-like plastic dog toy carries the name Richard Gear.

No furry friends

Dogs are smarter than people because they will never spend a dime to purchase a gerbil, hamster or similar rodent to keep as a pet.  To a dog those creatures are classified as a picnic lunch of fun.  At the pet store, they are readily packed in a Chinese take-out box for hypothetical doggie-dining.  Of course the dogs real challenge is catching a mouse or squirrel in the backyard.  In that case they can keep the canine equivalent of a Crackerjack box toy prize if caught.

C F U get it

Having ascertained properly patterned yellow birdbaths in reply, the hunting dogs always yearned, even marveled, in loving yardbirds.

Pierced nothing

In a mall near you there are places that can please and torture at the same time.  They sell earrings and they pierce the lobe, and perhaps other body parts, upon request.  This is another Y-intersection in the road where dogs always go one direction.  People can elect the other path.  As the dogs choose the no-cost, no-pain, no problem solution, they can, once again, be cast as winners.  Nothing against the piercing, which is a common as a book in a library, but dogs just don't do ear-fashion.  Sign at the piercing kiosk states over 40 years experience.  That's marketing, another thing dogs don't succumb to.  If the thought for one millisecond is the person about to pierce the ears, as part of a $9 an hour position, has 40 years of life experience, not alone piercing expertise, there are other thoughts that should be coming.  The roulette wheel of luck can land on a shaky hand of the mall piercer or a confident lover of the art of hole lobe drilling.  Roll the dice, dogs won't - no opposable thumb for the flick, no opposable thumb for the ear-post receptacle either.

No the horror

Mr. Blood is a frightening character - the word blood forms an immediate enforceable unsettling image when stated.  Mr. Gore is downright scary - so much of a chilling jolt that the Supreme Court forbid him from taking his rightful place as President in 2000.  Blood and Gore combined are as terrifying as a The Monkees reunion tour, or the thought of standing in-line at Disney World in July.  As life goes, under the category of things dogs have no interest in and people either love it or hate it, is the horror film.  Also in this category, somewhat lesser known, is Micky Dolenz - a separated at birth doppelganger with Rush Limbaugh, minus 2,000 pounds. This all is further proof that dogs trump people. Dogs are not entertained by blood, gore (except they delight in Al Gore storytelling) nor people who say they monkey around. Their position is logical, they don't want to put anybody down.

Opposable thumb issue #6

Dogs provide security, which is awesome, but not much else in the area of household chores.  It is that old opposable thumb issue that keeps them from folding towels, doing laundry and ironing shirts.  Mark that as another win for their side of the slate.  Dino, who did his share of household work at times on The Flintstones, was a fictional character and a dinosaur playing a dog.  Now the 1960s TV cartoon classic is reborn as the Duncan Yo-Yo of the era in silly-bands form.  No greater compliment can be afforded, after the Nobel prize, as having one's likeness placed into colored plastic to be worn around a kid's wrist.  Of course dogs don't wear silly bands, must be that thumb issue again.

What coat?

What do dogs and teenagers at the mall cinema in winter have in common?  Neither wears a coat out in the cold.

Opposable thumb issue #5

Dogs can run after and catch the ice-cream truck as it jingles through the neighborhood. They can't hold the stick on any -cicle products, pop, dream, cream or fudge.

Lost keys

The look and body language are distinct. Dog stares and paces. They are thinking through a confusing situation. The demeanor and tone indicate this is not a need-to-go outside moment. Now baffled, the dog doesn't know two critical components. One, what is happening here? Second, why is this moment so confusing? In summation, a dog-personification of the recent Bush presidency.  The deer-in-halogen headlights look is also similar to a mall customer finishing a purchase then noticing something unsettling. Where are the car keys? It's an empty-stomach sensation.  Double-dip roller coasters offer a similar sensation, as did eight years of W.  Of course dogs don't have keys, just like presidents.  Yet around here dogs can earn the designation of having lost their keys by looking confused, bewildered or like our 41st President.

Bracket smacket

Expressions like broken brackets and teams like Morehead State are as meaningful to a dog today as the term no-fly zone. Dogs are not waving white flags over the red tape rescue Southwest commercials, airing every nine minutes of March Adness.

Dog-U-Cation

Dog owners makes the same assumption. The dog has a full understanding of the language spoken. Sit. Stay. Down. From day one, these and any other words are presumed as fully understood. The belief is dogs arrive on earth having attended celestial dog-schools. Understanding vocabulary is the primary educational mission. The concept has realm of possibility elements hearkening to purgatory and what may be a lesser-known entity, peanut heaven. Not only a reference to seats far from the field, peanut heaven in childhood memory depiction, was and is a magical land of pre-birth, sci-fi, awaiting. In this place, basic elements are taught, like breathing. It is as fictional as they come. Just as imagined as the dog understands us motif. In reality we are heard by dogs in the same manner adults on Peanuts TV specials were heard by kids. Wa, ba, ga, mu, whomp.

Saint it ain't so

The term patron saint is meaningless to a dog.  Its like debating the acting merits of Nicholas Cage, not a paramount discussion.  Not sure how the concept of a patron saint came into existence, but it did and we have an ever-growing list of causes and saints.  There are no patron sinners, just saints.  Some tequila lovers do know of the Patron-brand saint.  Imagining there is a patron saint of all dogs (St. Bernard gets the logical nomination).  Sadly, the very animal they are the patron saint of does not know they exist.  That's heavy stuff.  In the alternate-universe dog-world there are partially submerged bathtubs in dog lawns with a statue of a St. Bernard enshrined.

With heart

If they were so able, dogs would let all know that their hearts go out to Japan, those gone, those there and for a brighter reality minute-by-minute as we move forward.

Pan the pander

Life as a dog means never having to pander-down your past.  Sure you as a dog may have things that are regrettable.  Perhaps you ate some pooh.  Maybe you were caught licking there.  Maybe a wrestling move on your dog-brother was misinterpreted as a sexual endeavor.  But the dog never has to explain itself or create a new answer to an old question.  People change the answer to suit the audience, something a dog doesn't do.  Facts show potential presidential candidate Newt Gingrich as a multi-divorcee whom left a wife while she was in a state of serious medical decline.  Now years later the rationale produced in answer form is a zest for America made him do these things the Christian-right finds disgusting.  He has, in essence, licked his dog balls, got caught and is saying they were juiced with super-America apple-pie flavoring.  Yes this rendered his balls, metaphorically speaking, irresistible.  Forgive him for liking apple pie, all Americans like it too.  Dogs don't eat pie.  They just wait to you aren't looking and lick again.  They remain fully patriotic in the process.

Dogservation

City life can be tough on dogs. Concrete jungles are not made to be paw-friendly. One sees many things on a walk in the city. The spot-on dogservation or observation featured the following true to life example of the unique treatment of the generic small dog. Since dogs of the small kind can't walk into the food store along side their owner, they must be hidden. In this case Fluffy (actual name withheld) takes it in stride. Seems this has been done before. Black purse that is really a dog kennel on the shoulders even includes a mesh screen,vented for ease of breathing on one side. Imagine shoving a large dog into a similar contraption.  It would be equal to the challenge of possessing a Halloween fetish as a Jehovah Witness.  Good luck with that.  The tiny dog is different. They go in like a sinner into a confessional, willing but edgy as it is dark and creepy in there.  It becomes a test of where the line of loyalty through faith intersects with fear.  The dog obeys, as if it has a real-choice, like a free-election in Libya.  So small dogs can become purse items just like that.  If the memory is serving, the common-purse products presented to a school-aged child included Kleenex that had absorbed the smell of fake-leather and overly sticky single-packs of butterscotch candy or peppermint swirls.  Never a dog.

Smell like a

Often done, never dissected like a sentence on a fourth-grade chalkboard, the concept of telling a dog they smell like a dog is pure and common but equal parts silly.

Bob and weave

Weave and Bob are solid names for a comic strip duo.  Logic states that Weave is zany.  Bob is the foil of Weave's antics.  Surprise pie-in-face.  Pull-my-finger noise busters.  Yank the chair pratfalls.  Bob and Weave is also a championship-level dog move.  It is an evasive, catch me if you possibly could, action.  The choreography would not get a paddle-five score on Dancing With the Stars, but Bob and Weave keeps the dog in the yard and out of the house.  It is bounding about, dashing here and there and as close as a dog gesture comes to sarcasm.  Believing one can catch a dog performing the Bob and Weave is comparable to convincing a country that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction.  In the best Oprah voice - "IM-POSSSSSIBBBBBLE!"  Oh that zany Weave where does he get this stuff?

Water only

Water.  Nice beverage, amazingly simple, available and refreshing under any circumstance.  The only drink you will ever taste?  Nope.  Dogs drink water.  Water, water everywhere and always drops to drink.  Those who drink other beverages are slipping into the picked-on club.  They would be different.  By the bowl, by the glass, as a shot, its water mixed with water at the canine lounge.

Opposable thumb issue #4

Sadly dogs have no ability to enjoy personal computing due to that right-click mouse.

It's my birthday?

Strange looks will ensue if you sing to your dog on their birthday.  This edict is especially true if your over-the-top version of Rock Lobster impedes the Happy Birthday standard from actually being sung.  Dogs take age in stride.  They don't like musical inconsistencies.  Not surprisingly they have an under-appreciation of the kind of genius Fred Schneider (now 59) brings to the B-52 table.  Another year older?  That's OK.  It gives them another day in mutual paradise.  Pass the tanning butter!

Opposable thumb issue #3

Dogs may need your help next Monday filling out their NCAA brackets.  Do not try the pen-in-mouth procedure.  A fondue-flavor inventor is still recovering from an unfortunate dog episode involving a blue Bic.  The dog's entries became less recognizable than Bob Dylan lyrics.  In actuality they picked all teams nicknamed Bulldogs and avoided all Wildcat choices.

Decisions, decisions

Imagine if a large part of each day is deciding where to lay. Dogs face this situation head-on. They take it one step further, adding considerations for resting on the right or left side. Add carpet or tile to the list and its a paper-versus-plastic mind-meld.  The decision to roll-on-the-back makes it a full day, even before adding complexities like scratching or licking to the equation.  It's not all fun and games.  Some of this dog-business requires some thought and contemplation.

Life as a dog featurette #2

Life as a dog means never watching a commercial, never getting an unwanted phone call and never having a concern about voice-mail.  Pure and simple is the dog life.

The king's what?

Dogs don't know about Oscar hype.  They wouldn't fain interest to attend a movie on a Friday afternoon before Oscar Sunday.  Therefore they would not also walk out of the movie at the two-third mark, thoroughly miffed at the lack of quality.  Suffice it to say that a scary robot-clown on stilts next to a large pool of pink mud telling a story about a king who had a peach (call it the King's Peach) would have been most entertaining compared to an award-winner of a similar title.

Life as a dog featurette #1

Life as a dog means never having to wear a clip-on name tag on a polyester uniform to work at a fast-food place.  The dogs humbly request access to the goodies at the fast food place. 

Only one sheen

Its the appearance of the ultimate fur coat that is the only sheen known to doggies.  While dog-parents take unexplained delight when the houshold dog watches TV, the canines are not affixed on the minute-by-minute status of one Charlie Sheen.  They do hope to retain luster and sheen on their coats as an unspoken, unwritten, pyschic-oriented presumed goal.

Opposable thumb issue #2

It'a a blessing, the lack of an opposable thumb, that keeps dogs from learning to play bagpipes, perhaps the cruelest instrument known to man.

No star meals

Food is food from a pawed point-of-view. The only bad kibble is the food not yet in the dog dish. There is no five-star, seven-course fine dining for the pups. People seek out good chefs. The more stars the better. These guys are so good they can cook ocean fish and have it taste like freshwater lake fish. One guy made a hot dog taste like Italian sausage. The real trick is to bake a potato that tastes like lobster. Seven-stars!