Dog dare ya

To the writers of Two and a Half Men to write an episode that contains no bathroom humor in the entire show.  These guys make innuendo seem as common as breath on a dog.

On lawn

Republicans in the field and supporting the candidates for President all seem to fall in the category of old-men who would yell "get off my lawn" at a dog or kids, who let a stray ball roll onto the yard. 

Of our lives

Dogs of Our Lives is a canine version of the popular soap opera, but the doggies tell you that they have no hidden mysteries in a locked box.  Is this plot kindled from the Gore campaign of 2000?  Or have ideas run out?

Not happy?

People do OK with the "happy when you know it" song, dogs struggle.  They can't exactly stomp the feet or nod the head or clap hands, but everyone knows they are happy and they know it.

To moon

Before the current crop of dogs, but when Newt was young, "to the moon" was an odd TV wife threat that brought laughter from black and white sets everywhere.  It was when the TV was made in places like Erie, PA and was a Zenith or Sylvania. Finding a Zenith at the store is like finding the logic in Newt's 51st state commentary today on the moon.  Yep, while dogs slept today, Newt, the human troll-like figure in the run to lose in November and spend millions in the process, said while in Florida, near the NASA site, he wants to populate the moon.  If they were voting for first to go and last to leave Newt would top this ticket.

Dog products

Potato chips for dogs!

State of

It's state of the union time again and the dogs are comforted that everything is OK.  Naps are not banned, food remains free and the yard is open for business.  Sign them up for another year!

No animals

When the BIG FOOTBALL GAME happens February 5 two teams with human-based characteristics will compete:  Giants versus Patriots.  No animal names advanced, the Ravens were the last birds standing, but ironically (due to flight reference) couldn't guide a field goal through to keep hope alive. 

Last lecture

No dog will ever deliver a last lecture at an institution of higher learning.  They just don't get to hold  tenured positions over time.  If they did they may have encountered Randy Pausch and his YouTube video and book, "The Last Lecture."  As a kept-so-far New Year's resolution, the book-a-month year started with a spontaneous purchase of the Pausch book.  While the dogs might have been tempted to hit up the video lecture before reading the book, kind of a Cliff-notes approach to Moby Dick, the book came first, when finished, the lecture would be watched.  Both are powerful and obviously sad, but hold many key points and take-aways.  It's a strong thumbs up to follow book-first, lecture second.  Now batting, Moneyball - the dogs think it's about the balls they play with and how much they cost!

Ice pooh

Snow in January creates a blanket of white over the lawn.  It also hides a spattering of brown beneath.  Yes fresh-fallen snow brings winter into full view but also cover the building pooh of winter on the ground.  Dogs know no bounds each winter.  They might have to maneuver through the snow to let it fly, but as a dusting turns into several inches the layers of pooh all disappear.  That's all fine until the thaw when it looks like the elephant pen at the circus was in the backyard over the winter.

Pooh oh pooh
Under blanket of snow
For several months
Where did it all go?

Mr Caine

If all dogs spoke like actor Michael Caine how would that affect their popularity?  If a German Shepherd said no to the actor would it be a Caine nine?

Walk way

It is called a moving walkway, not a moving stand way. Dogs would be petrified to walk on an airport moving sidewalk. Same is the case with people of the clueless persuasion. Sure, stand there and don't walk. No one in an airport is in a hurry. Block the path.  Socialize.  Let's stand on the moving walkway and chat about Hemmingway.

Doggie status

Dogs are not inclined to produce a self-inflicted wound by putting out too much information in their status line or via tweets.  They keep it simple.

At game

Jon Heder was shown on TV for 8 seconds Sunday during the Packers game.  He is Napoleon Dynamite.  He was seated among the masses assembled in Green Bay to watch the Giants versus Packers.  Why was he there and shown?  Oh, his cartoon show debuted after the game on Fox, but still, why?  It must be how the promotional winds blow in the Fox world.  Jet-set the guy to the game, show him and hope people care to watch his 9 p.m. show.  Dogs are immune from this.  They missed the "Vote for Pedro" fad - he was in the seats too.  The dogs also missed a great game, some say the referees missed a good game too, but even Napoleon couldn't save the home team, which makes sense if it all computes.

No cruises

Not sure if dogs are permitted to board cruise vessels, but certainly it would be the choice of the puppy sector to retain paws firmly placed on dry land after seeing the fiasco near Italy this weekend.  What a mess, what a shame.  Seeing dogs try to passenger in canoes this summer was fun.  It reminds one of the "time and place for everything" edict.  Yes, you may be in the woods on vacation with the dog.  No that does not mean the dog should canoe with you.  Can you comprehend that they just don't understand it in the same manner as people?  It would be like expecting them to enjoy a kiddieland ride just because you were riding.  Not the case.

Smoke break

Through rain and cold, even frigid temperatures, the smokers take their breaks outside sans coats.  Dogs are smart enough not to smoke, but the irony is that the coast they wear are good inside and out.  For non smokers there is no cause on earth worthy of a shivering span of minutes to suck smoke into the lungs while outside as temperatures hover at 16 degrees.  To suffer through that to win a million dollars makes sense, to cause financial and heath harm to the body, nope.  Dogs don't smoke therefore, like many other things, dogs are smarter than people.

No thermostat

There is not a dog in history who has ever thought the need to adjust a theromstat regardless of temperature comfort.

No trophies

Unlike the rest of the world, dogs don't get a medal or trophy for participation. If a dog wins a show they get a trophy taller than a 6 year old. Kids gets awards for showing up these days, kind of like getting desert without eating the meal. Ideas like "rewards for all" are an extension of failed theory such as NBC thinking aloud "if Jay Leno is liked at 11:35 five nights a week he may be liked more at 10 p.m."  Remember that? Too much of a good thing can be bad, see Republican debate programing as Exhibit A.

No Elmo show

Dogs don't feel bad when they don't take the kids to see an Elmo dance show at the city's theater.

Strange expression

No dog will ever say hunky-dory to demonstrate satisfaction for something.  It's just one of those things people say, as a matter of fact, that just seems weird if you examine it closely.

Bread snack

If dogs were asked to choose between bread and kibble what would they select?  We will never know the answer but it can be assume they may be evenly split.  There is something magical about opening the bread drawer in the eyes of the dog.  A bit of bread makes that part of the day, which may seem mundane, special.  These special parts of the day are good for both dog and man as they are simple like mittens - by the way 2 out of 3 people believe Mitt Romney's actual first name is Mittens not the factual Willard (like guy who loved rats - hmmmm - in the 1970s horror film famous for the Michael Jackson song).  Who could name a guy Mittens!  Trivia time, the movie was co-produced by Bing Crosby.

BCS aftershock

Even though the dog didn't watch the game, its assumed that the puppies are in favor of a championship playoff instead of the Bowl Championship Series.  Calling the non-spectacle of the Rose-Fiesta-Sugar and Orange Bowls a championship series is like calling Shark Night quality cinema.  The BCS is as unpopular as a Mormon at The Vatican.  But taking the BCS away from college football, because of money and ratings, is like The Pope selling his gold, or hawking it for a "Priests Like Dick                                                                                                                      Clark"  T-shirt.

Game noises

Dogs are better than people because if they took their pups on a plane they would not allow them to play games that make space-fighter beeping noises while other people are trying to read!  The plane has become a battlefield.  First with bags fees at all-time high levels for checked baggage, people bring the equal to a Great Dane sized dog on the plane and try to shove it in the overhead comportament, which can handle bags that are modest to small best - with a few draped coats on top.  Then its the gadgets.  Nook.  I-Pod.  Phones.  Games.  This cornucopia of technology causes people act act in defiance (keeping phone on after notice) and ignoring the obvious (that noise from your game is annoying everyone but your kid).  Solution is a seating chart where the passengers declare if they are good or bad traveling companions, so when seats are selected you sit in front of and beside those who consider themselves good travelers.  Dogs don't deal with this, they ride underneath either stowed-away of in breathable lugguage at feet-level.

Sad dog

Mitt Romney has got to feel like the sad dog at the local animal shelter.  On the surface he seems to posess the qualities desired of potential dog owners, yet upon closer review he is discarded for another breed.

If dogs played...

If dogs played basektball it would be fun to watch.  First think of them in cartoon world, organized and playing the game as people play it only as dogs.  Cute.  Then imagine dogs playing basketball as dogs.  Choas but possibly fun for a few minutes.  It could be vicious as they fought for a rebound - if they ever took a shot - probably couldn't get the ball out of any dog's mouth to cause them to shoot.

The driver

One common experience for people is lost on dogs.  The puppies (save for service dogs) never grab a bag and board a shuttle bus or van.  The circumstance of waiting creates a joyful situation when the shuttle arrives.  Now the hope of the destination is near and full faith placed in the anonymous driver.  This person now has control of the van and is in charge of safe travel.  Are they a good driver?  Did they get a good night's sleep?  Are they paying attention?  All legitimate questions that will never cross a dog's mind.  These drivers could be the masterminds of evil plots - yet we are happy to see them - and assume they are not diobolical characters - as we, like the Tubes song, don't want to wait anymore.

Simple math

No dogs voted in Iowa Tuesday.  There were 122,000 GOPers who did.  Over 92,000 voted for someone other than Mitt Romney.  While he had 30,000 votes, just eight more than Ricky Google, he won.  Santorum now knows every 8 block of votes really counts.

Cold yet

Amazing that a dog's coat keeps them comfortable inside or outside, even in 15 degree weather. They say: Try that skin! Fur rocks! 

How long

U2 ends the song 40 with the over-repetitive "how long" in referencing singing the song.  Literally they sing the same cadence over and over again for 47 hours before fading the music.  This brings in the non-dog concept of the mandatory use of Happy New Year in every new conversation this week.  By Friday the Happy New Year sentiments should, like the Bachmann candidacy, fade from discussion only to see rebirth in early 2013 or never.

Resolve this

No dog will ever make a New Year's resolution.  It is a dog's sincere opinion, resolutions don't make sense.  Dogs are logical, resolutions are impractical.  Take the past few years.  First was the attempt to resolve (2010) to drink more, at work.  Fun in concept.  Tough to do.  Did not work as a resolution, utter failure.  Then eureka in 2011 the attempt to simply work the ridiculously offense word "c*nt" into casual conversation.  Lesson learned, tough to accomplish, total failure.  Onto 2012 and the vow is to dispute the meaningful purpose of resolutions.  Mission accomplished.

It's 2012

Look at a dog today and try to converse about the January calendar having 2012 on it.  Blank stare.  Happy New Year, not a difference if you are a dog day.  Big year ahead.  Election year, London Olympics, 30 Rock returns and untold other prophecy rebuked.  Below are a sure-fire list of 5 things every dog will do in 2012:

1)  Sleep more than Joe Biden.
2)  Appear on Enertainment tonight less than Marie Osmond.
3)  Watch American Idol, they really like Ryan.
4)  Never say Sandusky as a noun.
5)  Tweet less, talk more.  Take that Ashton.