Happy Halloween

Trick or treat?

On time

No dog has ever been late to a meeting. Dogs have no schedule in their day. People are beholden to schedules and meetings. No one ever says, I missed having a great conference call yesterday, let's have more today. Kind of like saying please sneeze on my taco. Doesn't happen.

Fun size

No dog has ever wanted a Fun Size meal. At this time of year the world divides into two group, no, not dog owners versus non dog owners, but Big Bar homes against Fun Size places.  If dogs really trick-or-treated on their own they would attempt to distinguish Big Bar homes from Fun Size places and pick a Big Bar door to knock upon every time.  Calling a mini-version of a candy bar "fun" is like calling the portions at Notion filling.

Fish flying

Pushing the definition of carry-on luggage never occurs to a dog.  Did the writers of the banned items account for everything?  What if an aquarium, filled with fish, was the carry-on luggage?  Is there explicit policy, in writing, forbidding an aquarium?  Can it equate to a personal item that can fit under the seat in front or in an overhead compartment?

No buzzzzz

Dogs miss out on the joy of waking up too early so the alarm clock is not missed.

Middle row

Proof of further superiority of dogs over people, the concept of sitting in the middle row is never part of a dog's travel plans.  The middle row is the airplance equivilent of the front-row in a movie theater or the upper balcony at a Broadway show.  Same shared experience, totally different feel. 

Comb over

Ever think of your dogs as everyday professionals?  Yes, in this version of fantasy-world the dog is a working pup, just exactly do they do?  The dog that enjoys the day by licking his brother dog's ears and face is obviously the beautician.  This dog will spend more time on ears than an eyeglasses designer who has tired of monocles.

Plastic toy

Plastics bones could entertain people for a few seconds, maybe a minute, never a partial lifetime.  Dogs on the other hand are superior to people in their high-regard for gnawing at plastic toy bones for hour, upon day, upon week.  So people put down your keyboards, notebook computers, smart phones and remote controls and curl up with a plastic toy bone tonight by the fire.  Enjoy as your dog watches How I Met Your Mother or Monday Night Football, the later,  merely due to the betting line intrigue.

Bachman underdrive

Taking Care of Business from Bachman-Turner Overdrive's BTO II album, yes vinyl, circa 1970 is one of those songs that gets played forever, like Happy Birthday for rockers.  Dogs recognize a few chords from the Canadian band but the pups had a tough time using 8-track tapes in the fabled 70's due to the opposable-thumb design flaw issue recounted herein prior.  There is a new Bachmann in our midst singing a different tune under the name of Michele.  Of things that dogs can't do, that she could do, one that is of curiosity for the super-fun-value of gaining untold joy is seeing a dog, and Michele as-well, attempt to read a birthday card (presumptively for Randy Bachman or Fred Turner of BTO - simply to connect the thoughts full circle).  The inflection demonstrated in her speech pattern at debates is reminiscent of the vocal cadence of a volatile neighbor scolding a 10-year-old for raking leaves into their yard by the gallon.  Her ire is a brutal combination of vocal characteristics found in people who have just been cut upon in line while listening to a incoherent Coldplay song on their iPod, or just someone who is tiring of vaginal dryness, take your pick.  Applying that vocal synchronicity to a card reading - "don't count the years, count the blessings," could be humorous.  It would be better than hearing her talk of a double-wide wall to keep illegals out of her country as if she is to be believed (and she's running for President believe it or not) immigration policy, not the top 1%, is ruining this land and the Get Off My Lawn Republicans are surely Taking Care of Business.  (Circle complete).

Dog Vs Cushion

Once a perfect shape, the 100+ pound Golden Retriever decided to make the top of the couch cushion his personal comfort zone.  Like an episode where food beats man, the couch lost and was replaced due to the dog.

Hunting vehicle

Using a bicycle to go hunting for any game is nothing a dog would consider.  It's like making Starbucks in a peculator, illogical.  Yes, there is one man, seen today, that takes eco-friendly hunting one step beyond rationale and bikes to the hunt.  This is the point where the machismo of a hunter converges with the free-wheeling cyclist and the result is strange, like a concept car from Jeep.

Light stop

Were dogs divinely given the ability to drive cars they would learn the correct way to pull up to a red light and stop.  People take circuitous paths to this destination.  Some, those who do it correctly, are in touch with the length of their vehicle and simply pull up to the exact spot that is to quote the porridge temperature from Goldilocks and the Three Bears "just right."  Others get in the accepted percentile for not getting it right but they are in the church, just a few pews off from exact.  Then there is the person driving the Tuscon that did the all-time worst approach to being the first vehicle in the left turn lane in the long history of driving.  They stopped three car lengths shy of nailing the line and over a full minute of time-lapse photography,  pulled up two feet at a time, many times, until they reached the goal line.  That is not how they draw it up in driver's training school.

23 days

Minor television history will be made in 23 days when Regis calls it a morning and departs his signature show.  Clocks may stop for the occasion, but dogs won't shed a tear. There are no dog talk shows (see the joke coming like the stereotypical image formed at the thought of a person named Bernice Champagne) but there are talk shows that are dogs.  The 9 a.m. hour may never be the same, savor every minute before the grand finale.  Talent like Regis comes around once in a lifetime.  However, remember that just as Dick Clark beget Ryan Seacrest so too will Regis perpetuate onward in television eternity, just whom grasps the throne remains to be resolved at this point it's a toss up between Ty Burrell and Anderson Cooper.

First day

Dogs don't have memories of the first day of work, unless they are trained service dogs.  People must deal with an initial day of work.  Remember that day?  Anxiety higher than the feel of Charlie Sheen at winning peak.  It caused moments of worry akin to the country's feeling about a Cain, Paul or Perry presidency.  But day two comes and then three and four then it's 20 years later and you remember a bubble bath with soap on a rope to connect back to job-less childhood, all of which are missed by dogs.

Rake not

Yet another reason dogs have it over people: No leaf raking.

JC PayMe

No dog will ever clip a coupon to save 15 cents or $10.  They are not good with scissors and complain like Ron Paul begging to be heard at a debate that its a design flaw over the opposable thumb.  Coupons have value.  There are shows demonstrating this where people buy $390 worth of pasta and toothpaste for 67 cents.  That's taking advantage of a situation, but the practical implications are far-fetched as pasta with toothpaste consumption taste good for just one minute, if that.  Case study of JC Penney weekend spend $25 get $10 off no exceptions is a game worth playing.  So for $105 the following purchases were made:  3 pairs of Dockers; 4 St John's Bay long-sleeve polo-type shirts; 2 packs of women's socks 4 per pack.  Trick was to make 5 separate purchases and after the first two realize that using the coupon over-and-over again was like feeding dogs treats, they will take them non-stop without discretion.  For one day, since it would have been $50 more without the coupon strategy, it was re-named JC PayMe.

October Christmas

Rushing Christmas for retail profit is a people-concept, nothing a dog would dream of - ever.  Yes, so the local mall has partially decorated one area for Christmas in mid-October.  They will start selling Fourth of July firecrackers the day after Easter.  Dogs only rush the wait for mealtime.  They would never rush Christmas and actually are purely focused on Halloween right now.  Seeing Christmas decor (candy canes, snowflakes and snowmen) in the mall in October is like being an advocate for circumcision at a foreskin convention.

Purchase what

Lives of dogs are purchase-order free.  Business lives are purchase-order filled.  Score another check in the win column for the puppy boys.  Saying PO to your dog is about as logical as the Cain 9-9-9 plan.  Remember, Herman is substantively just John without the Mc - both are "get off my lawn" Republicans.  It could offer the opportunity to recycle signs from 2008 if he could find a running mate named Alin and a few large tip Sharpie pens.

Tim out

Since they don't watch baseball dogs have one over people. They are immune from hearing Tim McCarver saying "Ranger's manager Ron Washington is from New Orleans, the Big Easy, and there's nothing easy at this level."  It's kind of like bad poetry and he states these ideas abruptly, without set-up, or further explanation.

Property search

Another reason dogs have it better than people is a life free of property searches.

No numbers

Dogs have it over people because they never have to order food by the number.

No sticks

Opposable thumb issue #49, dogs can't shake a stick at anything as they don't have opposable thumbs. When they hear commentary like "there we so many mice in there you couldn't shake a stick at them" they wonder why anyone would want to shake a stick in the first place, the someone invents mice hockey and the world brightens.

Fall fun

Sweltering dog days of summer have given way to warm ostrich days of autumn.

Off day

One could not tell if the dogs took yesterday off or mailed it in a half-speed.

Loud roar

No the Republican debates are not in Michigan. That loud roar is not Rick Perry trying to belch "see the USA in my Chevrolet" with union workers.   Instead, the Detroit Lions are 4-0, meaningless to a dog, just like the best song belch doesn't determine the presidency, although maybe it could be a debate tie-breaker.

No post

There is no post-season for dogs. Every dog day is simply a day to be a dog. Baseball has a post-season. Dogs lift a leg salute to a post. One marks the crowning of a champion.  The other mimics a three-year old saying it's favorite word - "mine."

Finny's song

To no particular tune:

Finny, Finny, Finny is my little white dog.
He lives with us and we bought him fair and square from a man with red pants.


After modeling the squirrel costume, Finnegan took out his spite, as some dogs do, by leaving a small pile of Winnie the Pooh on the floor, by the TV.  Only 26 days until Halloween.  No acorns were harmed in this photo session.

Dogs enjoy costumes a lot less than people.  Its a polar-opposite situation.  Dogs go around unclothed, people dress.  Costumes are the reverse for dogs and a suspension of clothed reality for people.

Pierce it

Another in a limitless series of items that are people-driven products and have no uses to dogs:  #41 - Earrings!  Hoops and posts are equally meaningless to the pups.

String fun

First there was silly, then it met string, add a can and nozzle and let joy commence: Silly String. The product that's fun to use and miserable to clean-up. Dogs can't play with Silly String - no opposable thumbs, but they can find hours of enjoyment ripping a cord into string, then strands, then saliva on threads.  Yum.

No expressions

It goes with saying that the expression it goes without saying must be said in order to be expressed. Dogs just bark. They don't believe in the preface. A dog will never utter something obvious and tag on, it goes without saying. Actually it doesn't.

Line loud

Dogs know not to speak loudly while in line at Wendy's. Same can't be said of people, inside calm voices while standing 17 inches away from hungry masses wanting a#5.