Life as a dog featurette #7

Life as a dog requires little exertion of will to get the house ready for Christmas.  Put differently, if dogs were in charge of decorating there would be no decorating.  They can and will enjoy the holiday cheer minus the spiked eggnog - which begs the question as to why there are no other 'nogs.  No butter-nog, cheese-nog, ice-cream-nog, potato-nog, fish-nog, nut-nog, cactus-nog, nothing.

Olive ads

If they could gather money and put it in their fur and gain access to the car dogs would be influenced by the newest Olive Garden creations saying they look tasty!

Another Monday

Monday is Monday for a dog. This is not a Cyber Monday cause for celebration. As if on-line shopping were a new idea, the creation of a pseudo-holiday is about as anonymous as a Coptic Church ritual, until it gets blistered on Verizon ads. Grab your mouse, get some bargains, hunt for deer, the dog will read the Monday paper and call it a day.

Hunt not

Dogs don't hunt for deer.  They ignore rifle season altogether.  Thus they are not part of the legions of camouflage and blaze adorned woodsmen entering the forest with beer and ammo for a fortnight of  a stay in search of a buck kill.  For all of the deer readers, run fast and run toward houses, now, stay there for two weeks.  That's 14 hooves. 

Opposable thumb issue #27

No moving furnishings:  Dogs benefit in this no opposable thumb situation as they never have to move furnishings.  From the beginning of time people have been moving stuff, moving other peoples stuff and even moving stuffing - which is getting old in a fridge near everyone.

Property stay

In the typical dog day, the pups may never leave the property.  In fact unless there is a trip involved or a vet visit, the only time the dogs leave the property is for donut day, Sunday mornings.  Thanksgiving is a people equivilent to a typical dog day, no leaving the property.  Once a year its a wonderful thing of thanks.

Don't look now but its 30 days to Christmas.

Gobble gobble

Dogs don't have to baste a turkey.  Happy Thanksgiving.  What's a dogs favorite part of Thanksgiving?  The Underdog balloon in the Macy's Parade!

Rainy night

Dogs deal with a rainy night better than people. People get tired of days of downpours. We have reached the people days of fall.

Twilight dog

Would a cute dog or four help Twilight sell more tickets? Just asking. Team Edward sees to be winning, but so did Sheen, Perry, Cain and now Newt.

Sidney's back

Its news across the hockey world, Sidney Crosby returns tonight after a long battle back from concussions last January. This is good news for all dogs named Sid as for a few months they thought the namesake was a baseball player named Bream from the 90's.

Name game

St. Johns has a basketball player with the first name, true, of Godsgift. Dogs don't get these names, unless like the player, they have ministers as parents. No Godsgift's last name is not Toman.

Black Friday

Some dogs pretend they shop.  It's obviously their owners taking them to PetCo as fun outing.  But the expression Black Friday can only do one thing for dogs - confuse them.  If the household a a Black Friday shopper sees the routine interupted the dogs will sense there is something going on.  Dogs sense different but can't put their "paw" on it.  They will wonder why someone is leaving the house at 11:30 - not knowing the crock pot is only $5.99 between midnight and 3 a.m. (quantaties limited).  Also they will go askew when the car comes back with the crock pot and 400 other bargains at 3:45 a.m.  Yet another reason to skip Black Friday is to keep dog-sanity in the routine.  Sometimes routine is all they have.

Famous Hermans

Other than Munster, there are not a lot of famour Hermans.  Probably not a lot of dogs named Herman either, but sometimes the dog name choice runs counter to people names.  Not a lot of guys named Buddy, but an overly common doggie name it is.  If one Google's famous Hermans it wants to tell about Famous Germans - and not just the Sheppherd!

More sleep

Just an observation, but seems that as daylight becomes shorter the dogs sleep longer, as-in more often.  It's tough for them to sleep more, as they sleep a lot already, but there is not a lot on their schedule right now and sleep wins over awake.

Lyin' shower

Showers are something dogs just don't do.  A dog never wakes up, wipes their eyes, grabs a towel then picks out the days' underwear and heads for the shower.  Also, when dogs finish football practice they don't all gather in a locker room and shower together as a team.  This creates a world where dogs have no ability to wrestle in showers with fellow pups, accidentally touching the legs of others in playful jest.  People, or at least one infamous and accused person, talk differently about shower rituals. One would believe it is common for horseplay to happen in the sanctity of the gym shower.  This again is where dogs have it over people.  Public showering is forced behavior that is generally based on society not wanting odor after a good sweat to permeate the remainder of the school day, thus the gym-class shower was invented.  It's a heads forward, don't ever drop or fetch the soap world.  No place for an inter-generational laugh fest of naked towel cracking.  Once again there are parallel universes at play.  In the real world, one showers alone.  In the Nittany Lyin' world showering is the wet version of not only taking candy from the stranger, but jumping in the car for the ride.

Tag along

There are loads of people activities where bringing a kid as a tag-along is the right way to go.  These range from the simple versions of grocery shopping, running to the store or the fun of heading to the mall.  Dogs are the tag-along and never see the other side of the coin.  Not that dogs wouldn't like the attention, but there are places one wouldn't drag a person or dog to under any circumstances, like a tattoo shop.  It's been established that dogs are smarter than people for lack of paying for tattoos, but dogs are smarter than the people seen recently dragging their kids into the tattoo shop.  That's a long-boring wait on a ride to nowhere.

Threw shoe

If shoes equal sophistication, like a navy-blue halter top, they may make the man, but don't wake the dog. People value the shoe. Good shoes equal success. Cheap shoes put one in range for class warfare ridicule. About the only use some dogs find for the shoes is as something to eat and destroy, like heavyweights hitting a roadside Buffett on Saturday night. Dogs never walk around with shoes untied, they never lose a sock in the laundry and they never have to spend a dime on a size 11.

No kneel

Dogs know it's stupid to stop in front of a defrocked coaches' home and genuflect like it's an alter at St. Unimaginable Parrish. If a dog did kneel it was simply to provide bodily-function relief and the lawn choice was as random as a quick-pick lottery purchase.  People in Happy Valley apparently can't distinguish deity from guy without old job. We are not Penn State. The "we" in the world reports crimes and allows for due process.  They (PSU) are living in a cult-like illusion that now, via a crack in the armor, is exposed as real. And the real that intersected with fact is something to kneel about, but the lawn of the coach, that's wrong church, wrong pew. Knelling in front of a lawn jockey or pink flamingo would have equal meaning to the sane - none.  Talk about the misguided and the dictionary entry will say - see Penn State - all parts painted with the same shameful brush.  If they had a clue this would have come to pass decades ago.  Only people can inflict these unspeakable ills onto children and only people can play make-believe that it didn't happen.  That is Penn State, home of the Nittany Lyin'.

Food jump

People like food, its the American way, clean your plate, eat up, don't leave any scraps.  But people won't jump for food.  Dogs will.  Hold a piece of food at shoulder level and dogs get hops like a fine Pilsner beer.  Its fun for both people and dogs.  The dog gets to eat and people get to delight in the jumping for food endeavor.

3 what?

Dogs don't make debate mistakes such as stating which 3 dog toys they would throw-away if forced then remembering only 2 toys by name (gear and ball).  Perhaps it was the Bill Cosby routine that stated it best.  If the dentist, to paraphrase the act, says oops, it's usually bad news.  Rick Perry performed a version of self-inflicted dental harm on himself through memory-lapse akin to forgetting how to breathe in Wednesday's Get of My Lawn You Ruffians debate.  So Rick, the President of the USA is a very important job.  Chances are there might be more than three things to remember at one time.  Does quitting now before it gets worse make sense?  Can't teach an old dog new tricks!

Wish bone

With Thanksgiving approaching like a desperate Perrier salesman needing a customer, the wish bone makes a seasonal appearance, like plastic pumpkin bags filed with leaves on a lawn nearby. To a dog the wish bone is a nightly move. They find the floor, roll over and hoist the hind legs in the air like the turkey part so famous they named a robust salad dressing line for it.  Its relaxation of the best kind, simple and puppy cute.

Post election

No TV newscaster dog has ever mispronounced election by inserting an "R" for the "L."  Did anyone make this mistake and win the Patti Burns Memorial Award during last night's coverage?  Perhaps YouTube will tell the story.

What bun?

Two dogs in the house capable of touching the counter top.  Three buns placed on the counter top.  One minute of not looking at three buns.  Two dogs, one culprit, no evidence, no tellers of tales.  Which dog ate the bun?  Two know but can't tell.

Mr. Rooney

"Dogs are nicer than people." Andy you are missed by dogs and people.

Bad dogma

Its a classic case or religious arrogance run amok in the people world.  Dogs don't have mega churches with rich senior pastors that are tempted to steal donations to line pockets of the founders.  See link below for the horrid details.

Bankrupt souls?

Roll back

Dogs would rather roll on the carpet than roll back the clock 1 hour.  They need people to adjust their watches, as they have no ability to change the big or little hand, due to the pesky opposable thumb issue.

Ad attack

If dogs ran for political office they would resort to attack ads in the campaign.  What would be a low-blow for a dog enemy?  "Buddy eats his own pooh and has a zero ranking in job creation."  "Rover's food is imported from China and his trade policies are anti-American."  "Sugar has missed every vote in the history of voting."  Yes, the statements are ridiculous and non-sensible, mirrors people, huh?

Gas pass

Dogs don't fart on airplanes.  People do.  Never in the history of the gas-blast is it as immediately as important as when on a plane to open the air-release valve above the seat full-force.  The car-fart courtesy window down is not an option on a flight.  After all, a plane is like releasing a fart in a Pringle's can and not expecting the chips to stink.  Aircraft are the ultimate in enclosed areas.  As passengers, keeping the gas in the tank benefits the long-range capabilities of the plane and it also benefits the air-quality in flight. 

Inappropriate behavior

Sexual inuendo for a dog is a little dry-hump of the brother dog.  The pups never have to explain-away an inappropriate behavior issues like presidential candidates caught in the 24-hour news cycle headlights.  For a dog its chalked up to instict.  That's the way they are supposed to act and its nothing.  For people, nothing could be father from the truth.

Ghost busters

Summer of 1984 moviegoers flocked to see Bill Murray delight the world in Ghostbusters. Dogs were spared the humorless 90 minutes. Movies and dogs are like hot dogs and peanut butter, incompatible. Will Ghostbusters reappear as a remake casting Andy Samberg in the lead? If they do, dogs won't know, that's why the win.