Swing whack

Dogs never get the life lesson of the swing whack.  This is a painful (slight) childhood memory.  The whack is a valid lesson-learned as after feeling it, no one wants to do it again.  A dog could run around a set of swings for 9-million years and never get hit.  Put a toddler in the same area code of a swing set and they will get whacked 87.43% of the time.  It's a simple problem, the lines of spatial dimensions remain undeveloped in the toddler (only coming to light at age 4 in most) and therefore they are exposed to the desire to run near the swing-arch and are prone to getting whacked by those on the swing.  Like lather, rinse repeat, stay away from the swings is a simple request and if-followed, cure.  It's all part of the process.  First, stand away from swings.  Second, don't jump off the high part of the teeter-totter.  Picture a dog on a teeter-totter.  Smile.

No junk

Dogs don't fill kitchen drawers with junk.  They don't have an accumulation of batteries, cords, tools, gold-fish food, pens, scissors and 500 other things just taking up space in the drawer plus the ever-present 2.67 ounces of Elmer's Glue.  The amazing thing about junk drawers is a day or two after cleaning a junk drawer a key item will be needed but not able to be located.   The same edict holds true for tossing out junk from the garage, basement or work bench.  Dogs get through life without these issues.

Line sanity

Lines at the bread place are not insane to dogs.  If your place in life is the insane-mom of the 7 year old bathroom-first, order-next needing guest, life is filled with at least one burgeoning overstatement, designed to inflict disdain and guilt on son.  After his bathroom break, and certainly entirely his fault,  the line grew from none to few. This hazardous condition, as if a line to view the body of a head of state had formed instantly in-place of soup and sandwich orderers, was labeled 'insane" by the impatient mom and non-nominee for parent of any week, year or decade.  So, the insane wait was timed, another thing no dog would do.  In this algebra insane wait (IW) equals 120 seconds or (IW = T/2) when T=240.

Say Norfolk

Dogs are better than people because they never can mispronounce Norfolk, as in Virginia. No other city has a greater risk for flubs by TV talking heads. In hurricane season Norfolk goes from oblivion to the best-sellers list. Is it NOR-folk, No-folk, Nah-fock or the Patti Burns memorial "erection night" award for journalistic mistakes, NO-F*K.

Best/worst

Being a dog is not a job, but if it were it would be the best job on the planet.  On site hurricane reporter this weekend is worst job on the same planet. Is that level of detail really necessary? It just makes sense that it is windy and raining in the midst of the storm.  Showing it proves the obvious, like Germans and beer.  What do these reporters do the rest of the year?  Dry off!

Dog advantage

No acne. Ever.

Up there

No dogs are ever put in the position to find the pup behind them in line inquisitive as to the hair on their head being a toupee. People can't say the same thing.

Primary book

If dogs learned as people did they would read Fun with Buddy and Lady and their person-pet Jacob.

Floor it

It's home, it's carpet, it's tile it's a dog's best friend, the floor. Take it for granted but look around, the dog is on the floor or was on the floor very recently.

Post 201

Yes there have been 200 prior comments about dogs and their general superiority compared to people in handling the ordinary.  It's been mentioned before, but dogs don't realize milestones exist.  They are not looking at clocks, calendars and meeting schedules every minute of every day.  They remain on permanent vacation, which is why they win.  The last need they had was for a hug, that's nice.

Kingpin Perry

Texas governor Rick (don't call me Dick or Ricky) Perry as a dog would be a breed that is stereotypically annoying, loud and obnoxious. That spells small dog and Jack Rat terrier, but in the looks department Perry is more the boxer type.  He therefore is a fancy mixed-breed puppy, the Bull-Rat.

As dogs

If certain candidates were dogs, Mitt Romney would be a Doberman, a dog you respect from afar, but are afraid to get close to due to safety. 

Pre-season

NFL pre-season football does not exist in the dog world.  If there is a more brutal form of professional sports than the 4th quarter of a exhibition game a dog remains immune from this torture.

Know better

As simple as it seems, unfortunately dogs are no better than idiot Republican presidential candidates as neither can tell the difference between celebrating a birthday and remembering a date of celebrity death. Dogs can't communicate complex thoughts, which is similar to a pattern exemplified by the same Republican candidates.

Full moon

Dogs pay no mind to the full moon, they are not werewolves (of London) after all. The moon may effect their behavior but maybe it's just the ghosts in orbs annoying the pets.

Health care

Dogs never have to schedule a urine test to determine the absence of nicotine in the system to get a discount on an insurance premium.

Work week

Dogs never experience the feeling of wanting to stay in bed with a tummy ache, like in first grade, when Monday after vacation arrives on the calendar.

Dog comedy

Pooh jokes or jokes about dumb things owners do are likely material for aspiring dog comics.

Chinese crested

Ironic that these ugly dog contestants don't appear to have self-esteem issues. They have never devoted an hour of Oprah to the topic.

Packing light

If dogs went on vacation they could pack very light.

Dog thoughts

When they are watching the poop being scooped what are the dogs thinking?  Hey, we put that there for a reason, leave that alone, don't touch that stuff, or that was supposed to be a snack later.  Really.

Number 10

Top ten things about owning a dog #10

They like licking your feet for fun!

Premise/practice

When the shirt on the person proclaims "Sarcasm: It's better than killing" its humorous and a reminder that thankfully the dog doesn't understand the premise or the practice.

Bounce around

Small dogs do the bounce around move. They move their body in a controlled frenzy bounding about, usually in play with an agreeable, submission-position larger pup. The bound around is the physical move and it is often accompanied by huffing and puffing bordering on a growl. This fight is a playful version of slight-of-build Rey Mysterio in a classic match with extra-large Hulk Hogan. Circular motions made by the little dog could form corn-stalk rings as they are quick and precise. The endeavor continues much like congressional debate until the fun becomes a fight.  Intervention stops the move and the bound around, like a midway ride, comes to a halt.

Loyalty first

No Judas in the dog world.  No betrayal concept in the pups brain, another key point separating canines in a positive light from people.

Bad words

One of the zillion reasons dogs are better than people is they do not swear, ever. Getting through a day without cursing is par on the dog course of life.

What if

If the song was about letting the cats or sheep out it never would have been a sensation.

Passing lane

Dogs don't know of the delight or disdain of the passing lane (not a leisure lane) on the highway.  They will ride along but they don't know that you have to go fast in the passing lane as the other lane is called the slow lane for a reason.

Economic concerns

They can't factor it in to their daily discourse, but the only fear a dog could have over economic downturn is the inability of food to get to the bowl or water to the dish.  Any dog-owner pretending to have a better grasp on national and global economic issues should consult the pup.  If you can afford to eat, you are fine.

No skip

Dogs are better than humans because they are not required to skip as an elementary-school exercise.

Showing age

There is something special about the shaded mask of grey age brings to a golden retriever's face. It tells a tale of dignity as those later years are enjoyed.