Our Dick

It's New Year's Eve and he is our Dick.  America's Dick, your Dick, my Dick, even Cheney's Dick.   The host of American Bandstand and assorted game shows and as associated with December 31st as Times Square, bad sunglasses and a midnight kiss and no dog can ever recite his name:  Dick Clark.  Find a man under age 50 today named Dick and the odds are very high that he is a Junior Dick or Dick III.  If there is a dog named Dick he is very bad behaved and it's an acquired nickname.  The name Dick is as obsolete and non-retro as Major Matt Mason toys from the 1960's.  The name is as faded as a Kerry-Edwards in '04 bumper sticker but gets banner treatment once a year for Rockin' Eve.  Way to be the best Dick possible.  Happy New Year.

Wine line

No dog will spend a minute in line purchasing bad-tasting champagne for New Year's Eve.  They are the smarter than people species as the bubbly stuff, no matter how you frame it, taste terrible.  When dry is used to describe anything except a sand formation it is wrong and usually to be avoided.

Text walkers

There are distinct looks for a lot of things.  Facial expressions that match the situation.  Body reactions to meet the event.  Pop a balloon and the face will emit a distinct visual image, kind of like the look of terror when thinking of a Newt White House.  Dogs don't react these ways.  They also don't text while walking, never have, never will.  To text and walk is to walk without the benefit or desire to see where one is heading, which is kind of the complaint of the view being bad unless you are the lead dog on the sled.

Bowl week

It's the most wonderful time of the year, if ESPN promotional spots are to be believed for its upcoming Bowl Week - 100,004 college football games in row between now and January 9th, give or take.  For dogs this only adds confusion as bowl week implies food in the bowl all week, which then leads to diet week and image-crisis week followed by therapy month.

No caucus

While Rick Santorum (Google his last name) is on the hunt for nine more votes in Iowa the dogs are sitting the caucus out.  They aren't sitting on their paws in disgust, although they could not be blamed for doing so.  This time, they are ineligible to vote under a weird law.  Rule K9 invokes canine mental superiority over all current "R" candidates. Therefore, ipso facto it would be demeaning to cost a ballot.  It would be like buying a vowel in "wheel" when there is only one unlit block left and the puzzle reads:  F _ T H O M.  Can you have an "A" sure if you believe that words such as Fethom, Futhom, Fothom and for the Y as a vowel crowd Fythom exist.  Just like to concept of competency on the GOP side, those words don't exist.

Jog today

It's the day after Christmas and dogs are not inspired to job this morning to shave a few pounds of ham off of their physiques.  They will also not shop today.  Wise dogs are they.

Merry Christmas

Santa was here....for dogs too! 

By chimney

Tradition dictates the decorations are up for Christmas within roughly 79 hours of the removal of the Thanksgiving turkey.  This gives the dog named Hamish nearly a full month to recall the significance and revere at the Christmas stocking.  Hung with care in the living room, the stocking annually contains dog goodies like bones and treats.  There once was a pastor who claimed dogs had no memory.  Funny thing,  he was wrong twice.  He's not a pastor and Hamish has a memory.  Each night in the march toward Christmas Ham is excited to enter the room, sit down, stare at and sniff the empty stocking.  The assumed position is the definition of sit - any dog trainer would be proud.  He locates in front of the stocking and looks at it like a Leprechaun finding a rainbow.  He is told that Santa is coming soon and likely believes the next day will bring a stocking filled with dog fun.  It's a pattern that easily could be a 15-page book for kids, Hammy and the Stocking.  It is yet another way to enjoy the total simplicity of the holiday season, from a paw point of view.

Factor-X

Dogs are smarter than people as they wasted not a split-second of time watching the X-Factor.

Get grip

Next time a vice grip is needed don't rely on the dog to guide the decision. It's widely known that an Irwin vice grip grips like no other grips. Dogs simply don't care. They have the ultimate paw grip keeping the bone steady during a pleasant chew.

Monkey dog

Best part of last weeks' Sunday NFL marathon was the monkey riding a dog video.  Expect FOX to announce a mid-season show based on the 8 second clip.  Some say the combo should be the ticket for the GOP party but they (the dog and the monkey) are likely smarter than Mitt and Newt.  If Mitt could ride Newt at halftime dressed as a cowboy they may get more votes.

Dog vampires

There's a great theme song looming for the dog vampires, household pups turned into blood thirsty immortals. If only it were true.  Make Twilight for people and it's a phenomenon. Try it for dogs and the concept is odd.

Famous pendant

This holiday season the British celebrity designed open-heart necklace is omnipresent. Dogs ignore the hype, people either think the jewelry looks like an odd shaped 2 or pluck down the cash hoping for success.  Further proof that the holidays is really a time to just buy anything so the shopping can be completed.

How fast?

Dog engineers don't design car speedometers that list 140 mph as the top speed.  Common sense has long left the speedometer world, even without a reality-TV star impacting the stupidity.  To drive a Honda off the lot and think of going to 140 mph is like Ron Paul picking one from several family Bibles for his Presidential swearing-in ceremony, premature (Newt is a shoo-in, he said so). 

Flash not

Flash mobs can be fun, but generally they are fringe annoying. Dogs don't do flash mobs. They can run in packs, but don't dance in public to choreography.

Finish what you start

Dogs would never leave a football program as coach after 11 months.  Todd Graham you are penalized 15 yards for personal stupidity.

No pressure

Dogs don't possess a look of shopping panic at this time of year, further proof to overall superiority of the breed.  Finding a panicked shopper these days is easier than locating an elderly woman with poor perfume choice or wearing an animal stole in church.

Finale 12th day

On the 12th day of Christmas the owner gave the dogs 12 more versus of the song so that it seems like Kumbaya - beautiful, aimless and endless all at the same time, 11 crackers in a kong, $10,000 won in a Mitt Romney bet, nine large plastic chew bones (that sound like a subtle version of fingernails on chalkboard when used), eight bowls for drinking, Ben Roethlisberger #7 Steeler dog jerseys, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

11th day

On the eleventh day of Christmas the owner gave the dogs 11 crackers in a kong, $10,000 won in a Mitt Romney bet, nine large plastic chew bones (that sound like a subtle version of fingernails on chalkboard when used), eight bowls for drinking, Ben Roethlisberger #7 Steeler dog jerseys, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Tenth day

On the 10th day of Christmas the owner gave the dogs $10,000 won in a Mitt Romney bet, nine large plastic chew bones (that sound like a subtle version of fingernails on chalkboard when used), eight bowls for drinking, Ben Roethlisberger #7 Steeler dog jerseys, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Number nine

On the ninth day of Christmas the owner gave the dogs nine large plastic chew bones (that sound like a subtle version of fingernails on chalkboard when used), eight bowls for drinking, Ben Roethlisberger #7 Steeler dog jerseys, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Eighth day

On the eighth day of Christmas the owner gave the pups eight bowls for drinking, Ben Roethlisberger #7 Steeler dog jerseys, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Day seven

On the seventh day of Christmas the owner gave the pups Ben Roethlisberger #7 Steeler dog jerseys, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Brief pause

No pair of dogs in the world carry the names Mitt and Newt. As incomprehensible as that dog thought, imagine the sheer magnitude of all humans under the Republican sun that Mitt and Newt are the best in the field. It's like being a sailor in 1940 and not having an anchor tattoo.  Yes America the likely next POTUS will be named one the following non-dog names: Barack, Mitt or Newt. Chain, Gork and Frothmatrick were not available?

Day six

On the sixth day of Christmas the owner gave the pups, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Big #5

On the fifth day of Christmas the owner gave the dogs five Golden Grahams (cereal pieces on top of their food) four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Day four

On the fourth day of Christmas the owner gave the pups four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Day three

On the third day of Christmas the owner gave the puppy three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Second day

On the second day of dog Christmas the owner gave the pup two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

New song

On the first day of dog Christmas the owner gave the pup a chew toy under the tree.

Anthem sung

Dogs are superior to people because no dog has ever forgotten the words while singing the Star Spangled Banner.