No sheet

Dogs never have to wait in line for an MTO.

Blown save

No dog has ever caused their baseball team a victory by blowing a save. Instead of coming in as a relief pitcher dogs prefer to catch ball with their owners. It's a no pressure deal doggy style for the pups.

Derby

So 20 horses went to the post Saturday at 6-something with hopes of winning the derby in the old Kentucky home.  A horse named after the owner's penchant for additional snacks won by 1.5 lengths in a thrilling ride to the wire.  The dogs were in the room but showed little emotion for the event.  Dogs are smart enough not to bet on the ponies, something the losing ticket holders can't say.  Also dogs don't buy into the alcohol-magic of the 5th of May.  Cinco de what?

Barking contest

With Idol and Voice running to championship-caliber conclusions it comes to mind that no contest in made-for-TV fashion will ever take place for a best dog-bark competition.

Dogs don't nosey neighbor at open houses

Raffle baffle

Nice thing about a dog that's not true about a person you know...no dog has ever pitched a raffle ticket sale to you.  Yep.  Clean dog slate.  Other side of that coin, discomfort, waste of money, rip-off or OK I'll pay and play.  No one has ever said my day would be so much better today if someone just walked up to me and asked me to buy a raffle ticket.

Cursed Friday

Conceptually a dog never has to process the "how to behave" mode as it effects a moving sidewalk.  People have a tough time with this concept, sometimes.  For the record, just because the sidewalk is moving doesn't mean you stand still.  After all, it is first and foremost a sidewalk and one does walk on a sidewalk to get from point A to the nicer point B.  Secondly, a moving sidewalk does not exist in a place that is devoid of busy traffic.  That brings into play item number two.  Do not block the moving sidewalk.  Keep to the right if slow, to the left if fast.  Got it?  So a friendly fuck you to those who refuse to comply.  Dogs comply, people should too.

Whistle

Some whistles are happy-oriented, like when someone wants to offer over-the-top praise for a hero at a public event by placing fingers in mouth like the Texas hook-em-horns symbol and belt out a sound higher pitched than a finishing note from Celine Dion.  Dogs don't whistle and that might not be a bad thing.  A loud bark is the near-equal anyway.  Whistling is mainly negative, think referees, and dogs just stay positive mostly.

Memory loss

Dogs, to the best of our knowledge, don't remember that they bought lottery tickets, get distracted while walking to get the lottery tickets, not recall any remote thought of ,lottery tickets, think about what they couldn't remember and 45 seconds later re-trace steps to realize, oh the lottery tickets are on the counter.

Keefer or Tom

Dogs can't have a head-debate over who runs toward fear better:  Cruise in any action flick ever, or Keefer in "24" except the held-captive seasons.