Not fit

It is easy to believe the magic if Wii. Great technology doesn't influence dogs. They know better than to put faith in the Wii Fit program as a weight loss, health improvement product. People buy the marketing sizzle and eat the 12-ounce steak.

Radio racing

Radio is great.  Music, news and sports right to the ears.  Dogs listen to the radio, its the audible-invisible companion.  There are things that work better on radio and some shows which perplex.  Dogs wouldn't choose to listen to a golf tournament on the radio, they would rather watch it live and shag balls.  Also an odd radio choice is the 500-mile race.  Round and round they go for about as long as two Phish songs.  To that treat, the dogs decline, they will check the winner of the 500 by going on-line.

Demons somewhere

It's likely untrue that dogs sense demons in their midst.  While some people can be haunted by demonic forces, imagined and perhaps real, the animal kingdom must have immunity from these thoughts.  Or, maybe that concerned look in the eye of the dog is a cry for help for an exorcism?  Gives new meaning to a fear-factor yelp or panic-fired deep breath.

House size

There isn't a dog alive who has bragged to friends about the size or price of their house.  Take Mrs. American, Sarah Palin, for example.  Another definition of "hockey mom" is ownership of a $1.7 million estate in Arizona.  The only ice there is in the neighbor's nightly drink.

Life as a dog featurette #471

Life as a dog means a Spam-free existence. No SPAM email or canned food.

Idol moment

Dogs have no issue with America's Idol voters on crowning Scotty the winner last night.  They are also glad they will not likely here his "This Big" song ever again.  Beam them up Scotty.

Retirement plan

Unlike most people, dogs don't rely on winning the Ziptastic-Hyper-Ball lottery as a retirement plan.  They have great retirement benefits daily at young ages.

Cheese list

If dogs worked behind the counter at the nationwide sub shop they would handle it differently.  Yes, if you are employed by the sub shop for longer than a week, it would be logical that the list of five cheeses is easily memorized. However, be aware, that if you recite the five cheeses to a customer that doesn't know the cheeses and the cheeses are stated in a condescending, monotone, rapid-fire cadence (like thank you sire I'll have another in boot camp) it is not helpful, in fact it is fringe-rude.  State the cheeses slowly and articulate the syllables, like dogs might if they were the artists behind the glass counter.  Am-er-i-can.  Pro-vo-lone.  Pepp-er-jack until a rightful conclusion.

No nerds

There are no dog nerds. One will never witness a dog in an odd outfit, strange hat or peculiar jacket holding a two-liter bottle of Diet Rite Cola left-handed mid-chest high on a walk to nowhere in particular.

Ball world

Add a ball to a nice day in the backyard with a dog and it's like they are about to ride the Matterhorne at Disney.

Opposable thumb issue #31

Dogs don't expect a trophy as they can not hoist it high in triumph.

10 years

No dog would father a pup and keep it quiet for 1 minute, let alone 10 years of our formerly liked/loved Arnold.  He gives the term stud-fee a new wrinkle.

Bo bark

Bo Jackson had it down pat.  In the history of sports interviews, Bo stands alone as the best to always refer to himself in the third person.  Forcing Bo Jackson to say "I" is like flushing a tree in the bathroom, very challenging.  Dogs don't confuse tense.  They are first-person communicators.  A bark is a bark. 

Don't stand

People who stand up and remain standing at inappropriate times during concerts or sporting events should take a cue from dogs who never participate in this rude public-judgment error.

Election pay

If they had the right to vote,  dogs would also run for political office. Since, however, dogs live in a monetary-free world it would be a pure contest of ideology.  Perhaps the dozen or so Republicans contesting for the presidential nomination can take an ideological left-turn and agree that the campaign funds, which will add up to be astronomical sums, could fund the desired deficit reduction or support educational funding.  Instead it is good money after bad simply to serve as an exercise to weed out the loons from the insane.

No phone

It's fun to put the dog on the phone.  They look at it like its the plastic form of confusion when a familiar voice is emitted.  One place a dog would never use a phone is in-line at a sandwich shop.  This is yet another example of where dogs never clog the line and delay orders by continuing a cell-phone conversation while in the line.  Make up your mind, don't multi-task as thoughts of a #4 rumble through the mind.  Choose.  It's like the pain imparted by those who ask the waiter to come back as they consider dessert.  One should know at all times if they are in or out on dessert.  It is not that difficult of a choice.  Can a slice of pie fit?  Yes, no.

1.42% there

This is post 100 of the 7000 in a series.  Milestones exist in dog owners' minds.  The dog doesn't know such a mark exists and because of this they are immeasurably better off.  They are not bound by numbers.  Freedom is easier when the tyranny of digits is missing.  They are not in tune with the 1.42% achieved as a barometer of a made-up milestone for a blogosphere location.

In line

Simple example of how the dog way of living is superior to people is found in the line at Subway.  A dog would know what they wanted before walking through the door.  People can act like the ordering and decision-making process is as fresh as Bryan Adam's newborn when they utter four simple words:  Give me a minute.

No Cirq

Dogs do not subject themselves to confusing Cirque Du Soleil (say that five times fast) with entertainment.  They prefer a plastic dog bone with ridges (like Ruffles) between the paws and in the mouth.

Bugs stink

Being a household dog equals immunity toward stink bug clean up responsibilities.

Fig Newt

Today might be the end of the beginning for dog interest in Newt. Very few if any dogs are likely named Newt. Newton, his actual name, perhaps is a modestly popular dog name in fig-land. Dogs trump people everyday for the simple reason that they never make campaign promises.  If predictions ring true Newt will make some today that won't be kept, just like his vow of faithfulness.  As he announces his campaign, he will emulate the human equivalent of licking his balls in public - it's called giving a partisan speech.

View who

Is the dog on the carpet watching the dog on TV or is the dog on TV watching the dog on the carpet?

Doggie sad

It's sad that dogs can't come up with one thing they'd do for a Klondike bar.

On behalf

From all of the dogs to all of the moms, Happy Mother's Day!

Opposable thumb issue #42

Dogs can't have a green thumb via gardening, and they don't get to cut the grass as they can't pull-start the mower.

Friday funny

It is not important for dogs to study the solar system. They have no concern about the position of Earth it's axis or orbit - space words. Dogs don't know there are rings around Saturn. They do know how to respond to a planet fight by licking Uranus.

Unknowing situation

Benefit of being born with fur and four legs and a bark is the America of 9-10-2001 always existed. On Sunday a piece of that utopia came back into the puzzle. Yea!

Buffet plans

Doggies never get the thrill and joy of a sparse breakfast buffet in a hotel lobby.

Yard slicker

Dogs don't need rain slickers to go out in the yard.  The image of a dog slicker brightens a rainy day.

Opposable thumb issue #419

Full potential of a recliner chair can not be realized by dogs due to the lack of an opposable thumb.  They can sit but can't attain the recline position.  Its a rinse-cycle only in a spin-cycle world.  Or, it's like picking the winning horse but not buying a ticket, no payoff.

Dome no

Baldness is not an issue in the dog world.