Best of blog anniversary celebration - day 2

Originally posted February 27, 2011, second post-ever

To offend intentionally is bad.  To offend by association and stereotype is not so bad.  The later is true when qualified.  For example, all Irish do not fight as the nicknamed domers at Notre may suggest.  The preface sets up the illustration of what is flagged as the carpet-paper experience.  The move is dogtastic and spans generations of the species and may prove evolution exists.  Who knows where they learn it, they just do.  Dog comes inside from outside and sits square on the carpet.  The hind legs spread.  The rear end is severely pressed downward. Next is motion akin to an assembly-line strict forward-rub.  The dog's rear is successfully scratched and the carpet is, in-effect, used as toilet paper.  This move has and will always be known as the "Chief Itchy Butt."  The term "Chief" is based on the stereotype of an American Indian leader squatting fireside.  Similar settings have stereotypical words like "Wampum" in the vocabulary, if scripted.  These "smoke-em' peace pipe" references were formed during the Go Go Gophers portion of Underdog shows.  It is not in reference to other Chiefs among us.  No firefighter bosses were singled out in this illustration of dog-relief after the dog's relieved.  The Kansas City Chiefs bear no part in this illustration.  Anyone named Chief by parents desiring support-group experiences for their young offspring are equally exempt.  At the end of the day Chief Itchy Butt is a label affixed to a move that no other animal is willing to attempt.  It is simple and effective and cute despite its disgusting elements.

Best of blog anniversary celebration

From December 31, 2011

It's New Year's Eve and he is our Dick.  America's Dick, your Dick, my Dick, even Cheney's Dick.   The host of American Bandstand and assorted game shows and as associated with December 31st as Times Square, bad sunglasses and a midnight kiss and no dog can ever recite his name:  Dick Clark.  Find a man under age 50 today named Dick and the odds are very high that he is a Junior Dick or Dick III.  If there is a dog named Dick he is very bad behaved and it's an acquired nickname.  The name Dick is as obsolete and non-retro as Major Matt Mason toys from the 1960's.  The name is as faded as a Kerry-Edwards in '04 bumper sticker but gets banner treatment once a year for Rockin' Eve.  Way to be the best Dick possible.  Happy New Year.

Cycle completed

So the journey is full-cycle.  What does that mean?  Well one year ago tomorrow the first-post appeared on this blog.  Full-cycle is the 365 day completion of a post per day for one full-year.  That was not the goal of the blog when it started - no one knew where any of this would lead and it could have stopped anytime but didn't.  This was (and is) an outlet for creativity that is enjoyed.  Who knows where it is going but there was a beginning and it was random.  The first post was about a political aspect of what was to become the Arab-Spring agenda.  Day two was much better, it introduced the favorite dog character of Chief Itchy Butt.   The opposable-thumb reference chain soon followed.  Other features came and went.  The concept drifted from a superiority of dog ability in this world, as compared to humans, to political roasts to an homage to the leader of America's bandstand and it will continue to evolve and diverge. One year down, who knows how many to go - and in dogs years' it's 7.

All-Stars

If dogs had an all-star team everyone would want their pup on the list.  That's the great thing about dogs, they all shine from the owners' point of view.

Pill woes

Dogs don't have to weigh the consequences known as drug side-effects, like fire out the ass, for a prescription product. These warnings are a laundry list of bad over worse, kind of like choosing Rick over Mitt or dry mouth over chronic muscle pulsations.

Opposable thumb issue #732

It's a golf shaft with rubber cones on each end, the baton.  Dogs can't twirl one, due to the aforementioned and overdone opposable-thumb issue.  Twirling is one of those things that everybody has seen yet few wish to do.  There is no audience for Twirling With The Stars or America's Best Twirler - not enough cable channels in the world to hold that audience.

What winter

It will soon be shedding season with a lot of un-used dog fur flying off at record levels.

Opposable thumb issue #53

Changing the channel via remote control (the clicker in some circles) is a key part of evening couch potato living.  Missing commercials, making that key 9 p.m. switch of networks with seamless precision, catching the weather while watching the game all matter.  Except for dogs, they chew remotes, but can't use remotes - chalk it up to the pesky opposable-thumb issue.

Knock knock

Riddle the dogs this:  What's 200 pounds, looks like a Ken doll, speaks like a puppet and straps a dog to the rooftop for family vacation?  Too easy?  Defend that one Rush.

Spring training

Baseball is back via the rite of passage that is Spring Training.  Dogs are happy, they like to fetch balls.  It is pure joy for a dog to run after a ball.  That same joy transcends baseball lovers when the magical words "pitchers and catcher report" are sated or written.  It is the same kind of glee Magical Mitt, the Republican protector from oven heat from the liberal bastions in the world (lovers of all anti-GOP things), gets when strapping his pooch to the car roof and heading for the Great White North.  Yes, you must be born in the USA, of age and felony free to be the President, but dogs elect to add the "don't strap us to the roof" mandate to the qualifications.  The dogs want to go to Spring Training but the back-seat is the preferred option.  Put Mitt on the roof and ride him to Canada, but not before he suffers defeat at the hands of voters in November.  He, like Google Ricky, is fun to kick around.  Happy Presidents' Day - no mail.

Opposable thumb issue #951

Shaking hands is common for people but for a dog the task is encumbered unfairly by the opposable-thumb design issue.  It also limits the high-five and the swirly.

Question day

Do dogs from Jersy bark with an accent?

Opposable thumb issue #273

Doggies can't turn the volume up to listen to Peter Gabriel sing In Your Eyes due to that pesky opposable thumb issue.

Opposable thumb issue #429

Dogs have a difficult time entering hotel rooms.  They can't get their paws around those slide cards, not to mention the timing involved with a slide and unlatch need at the door.  Chalk it up to the opposable thumb issue.  Until that is solved no dogs will check in or book on Expedia for a bargain rate.

Candy sale

Today all dogs head to the local store and grab candy heart boxes at 50% discounts just because they can, but only in their heads.  In reality they have a full day planned in the house.

A poem

Roses are red and dogs are white, black and brown
Happy Valentine's Day from the dog side of town
Its poetry like this that puts it in perspective
Creative writing class was a chosen elective

Crazy sport

Dog hockey. No sticks, just a puck and skates.

Mr. Lincoln

Happy Birthday Abe, did you have a dog?  Was it named Mercury?

Dog idol

Sure they have dog competitions for best in show, but Dog Idol would require song performance in front of a live audience.

Don't serve

Don't serve dogs pudding at a birthday party.  They prefer cake.

Bowl lick

Note to dogs, when the dinner bowl is empty it will remain empty until breakfast.  Dogs tend to lick the empty bowl fully expecting the tongue to create a magical bounty of kibble. 

Face flick

Nomination to the award for interesting sounds made by dogs category:  The rear paw face flick.  Nothing like it.  Simple joy.

Chip in

Factual statements are black and white.  Take Sunday's favorite chip commercial.  Dog is hero.  Cat is missing.  Man is happy because dog gives him bag of chips.  Woman is sad because she can't find cat.  Facts lead to decision its good to be the dog.

Super habit

The big game lived up to the hype and the dogs who slept through it congratulate the Giants.  Each Super Bowl brings a unique people habit.  Tell me that people in New England and New York didn't put team shirts on their dogs.  It's our way of bringing them into the fun, yet the dogs don't really care. They are left to wonder why they don't wear shirts the other 364 days a year.  So the NFL does a reset -  all teams are 0-0 now.  The Patriots have yet to win a Super Bowl after SpyGate and the dogs may want an asterisk in the record books.  Better wait til next year.  Go Steelers, says Brody.

Perfume not

Dogs don't wear perfume or cologne.  Most people shouldn't, the odor is usually awful - most smell like grandma's purse or bug spray.  Hey world, tone it down, you may smell terrible without it but you actually smell terrible wearing it.

Wrong Mitt

Even a sleeping dog knows not to count out the poor.  In the land of free-speech the right to stupid discourse remains available, especially to GOP front-runners.  Is anyone asking the question - how did it come down to this Mittens guy being the best of the worst?  Oh, perhaps they lined up all the idiots in a long line and whoever said "I am not concerned with the very poor" first won the reality show and gets to move ahead as nominee.  Hurray for the Mormon.  Have a cup of coffee and get real.

Weather caring

Dogs don't care about the weather.  They don't care that the Groundhog predicted six more weeks of winter.  That's like predicting a fortune cookie with Chinese take-out, obvious.  It is February and the not-so-smart dogs among us still know that winter remains a long way from conclusion.

Where's Ted?

How quickly it gets forgotten.  Dogs do it, people do it, find a sensation one day and a year later the celebrity is toast.  So today the dogs might ask, on this Groundhog Day of jubilee, where is formerly homeless, found via on-line video, proclaimed to have a "golden voice" and given a home by the Cleveland Cavaliers and hired to do commercial voice-overs by major companies, yet couldn't find his way from rehab, Ted Williams?  This is when society needs the Hollywood Squares so it can keep up with those fallen-from-limelight to game-show contract celebrities.  A salute to Wally Cox - voice of Tennessee Tuxedo!  No groundhogs were harmed in the typing of this blog.

Mittens wins

Doggies say a guy named Mitt winning Florida's primary is like a guy named Swimsuit winning in Alaska.