No sheet

Dogs never have to wait in line for an MTO.

Blown save

No dog has ever caused their baseball team a victory by blowing a save. Instead of coming in as a relief pitcher dogs prefer to catch ball with their owners. It's a no pressure deal doggy style for the pups.

Derby

So 20 horses went to the post Saturday at 6-something with hopes of winning the derby in the old Kentucky home.  A horse named after the owner's penchant for additional snacks won by 1.5 lengths in a thrilling ride to the wire.  The dogs were in the room but showed little emotion for the event.  Dogs are smart enough not to bet on the ponies, something the losing ticket holders can't say.  Also dogs don't buy into the alcohol-magic of the 5th of May.  Cinco de what?

Barking contest

With Idol and Voice running to championship-caliber conclusions it comes to mind that no contest in made-for-TV fashion will ever take place for a best dog-bark competition.

Dogs don't nosey neighbor at open houses

Raffle baffle

Nice thing about a dog that's not true about a person you know...no dog has ever pitched a raffle ticket sale to you.  Yep.  Clean dog slate.  Other side of that coin, discomfort, waste of money, rip-off or OK I'll pay and play.  No one has ever said my day would be so much better today if someone just walked up to me and asked me to buy a raffle ticket.

Cursed Friday

Conceptually a dog never has to process the "how to behave" mode as it effects a moving sidewalk.  People have a tough time with this concept, sometimes.  For the record, just because the sidewalk is moving doesn't mean you stand still.  After all, it is first and foremost a sidewalk and one does walk on a sidewalk to get from point A to the nicer point B.  Secondly, a moving sidewalk does not exist in a place that is devoid of busy traffic.  That brings into play item number two.  Do not block the moving sidewalk.  Keep to the right if slow, to the left if fast.  Got it?  So a friendly fuck you to those who refuse to comply.  Dogs comply, people should too.

Whistle

Some whistles are happy-oriented, like when someone wants to offer over-the-top praise for a hero at a public event by placing fingers in mouth like the Texas hook-em-horns symbol and belt out a sound higher pitched than a finishing note from Celine Dion.  Dogs don't whistle and that might not be a bad thing.  A loud bark is the near-equal anyway.  Whistling is mainly negative, think referees, and dogs just stay positive mostly.

Memory loss

Dogs, to the best of our knowledge, don't remember that they bought lottery tickets, get distracted while walking to get the lottery tickets, not recall any remote thought of ,lottery tickets, think about what they couldn't remember and 45 seconds later re-trace steps to realize, oh the lottery tickets are on the counter.

Keefer or Tom

Dogs can't have a head-debate over who runs toward fear better:  Cruise in any action flick ever, or Keefer in "24" except the held-captive seasons.

Tired act

Dogs don't reuse tired comedy routines, like popuar Monday night shows, where hilarity is anticipated when someone has a heart attack.

NBA

Due to the opposable thumb issue, the dog's are not so concerned with the NBA playoffs.

Invoices

Dogs are better off than people as they never have to deal with the term invoice.  A dog never gets and invoice.  No dog has ever denied payment on a legitimate invoice.  There are no invoices in their heads, ever.

Just saying....

Never saw a male dog walking around who wished he was a female dog.

Memory lane

People of a certain age remember rushing to the TV, reaching behind the tube and adjusting the vertical hold to stop the screen from spinning like the Price is Right wheel.  Dogs have no recollection of this.

PJs in grocery

Once again, dogs have more intelligence on style than people.  Couple spotted in grocery store on Sunday morning both wearing jammy bottoms (she Mt Dew he Angry Birds).  If you are over 12 this should never be attempted.

Computer resets

No dog ever has to endure a weekend of IT computer reboots followed by a reset.  It makes one long for a cursor on a green screen and DOS system vocabulary.

Cursing Monday - Window Proclaimations

No dog will ever pronounce to the world that their kid is a tea-kwon-do student via a sticker on the back of a car.  Speaking for the rest of the world, does anyone really care that Riley is enrolled at the local wear a white outfit say you know karate academy?  Or Carton plays hockey and wears #28?  It would be one thing if parents of really intelligent kids had the guts to declare the obvious and recognize the world-wide benefits in the process.  For example, smart scientific kid has family car (Honda) message:  "My kid will find a DNA-string that cures cancer, but couldn't tell a fastball from a bowling ball."  Or, "my child is so diplomatic that they will bring peace to the mid-east 2031."  So fuck those who use the SUV window to inform the world on kid clubs.  It falls into the brainless category of patting thyself on the back - another thing the dog doesn't do - in this "my gratification" world we live in where medals are given for a nice plop on the commode and trophies are granted for taking part in the sport.

Leaving April

April showers bring May flowers means about as much to a dog as the combination to Al Gore's Social Security lock box.  Here we are dangling on the precipice of another May 1 and the digs don't know April is ending.  When will the calendar tragedy stop?  When the world teaches a dog to comprehend the Julian calendar, most of us are still working on a humble "sit."

Opposable thumb issue #25781

Dogs benefit from the opposable-thumb design flaw as they can't help clean out the closets.

You're here?

Ever feel the dog wants you out of the house? They just want to enjoy their routine and it doesn't involve people.

Tribute to our Dick

From December 31, 2011

It's New Year's Eve and he is our Dick.  America's Dick, your Dick, my Dick, even Cheney's Dick.   The host of American Bandstand and assorted game shows and as associated with December 31st as Times Square, bad sunglasses and a midnight kiss and no dog can ever recite his name:  Dick Clark.  Find a man under age 50 today named Dick and the odds are very high that he is a Junior Dick or Dick III.  If there is a dog named Dick he is very bad behaved and it's an acquired nickname.  The name Dick is as obsolete and non-retro as Major Matt Mason toys from the 1960's.  The name is as faded as a Kerry-Edwards in '04 bumper sticker but gets banner treatment once a year for Rockin' Eve.  Way to be the best Dick possible.  Happy New Year.

HBD

Dogs paws to say Happy Birthday Mandy - especially Brody!

No members only jackets for dogs

These days

It suddenly became the dogs days of April overnight and the theory of global warming has more legitimacy in casual conversation.  Happy tax day.  Has a dog every wasted a tax dollar?

No duck

Dogs are to kind to ever state:  Fuck a Duck in disgust.

New dog

Neighbor gets a new dog may be a whimsical new band name - but it doesn't match the circumstances that won't be discussed further here from reports over the weekend that makes a fine band name - Polly can't Fish.  With a dog, one of two, dying recently, the neighbors did the righteous thing and went to the animal shelter and said yes to adopting a young mixed pup that had Pit Bull in her.  She is a pip, as-in what 80 year-olds say while sipping lemonade and listening to AM radio on a transistor set on a porch swing in front of a row house.  To say that her combination of attitude and bark has caused havoc who be like defining the Bush Administration as positive for Middle East relations.  The dog is giving all a run for her money.  She slips away, allegedly jumping a 4-foot fence and runs.  Also, she stands resolute and barks and eggs on the three male dogs in the yard adjacent.  Kind of like watching protesters argue over health care at a D.C. rally - scream in the face barks until no one is heard.  When does the new dog become a mistake and return from whence she had come? Tick-tock.

Tax time

Dogs are better off than people as they never deal with taxes.

King Friday The 13th

When Tickle Me Elmo was the hottest toy of a few Christmas' past the buying public defined itself as those that liked Elmo and those that simply didn't care.  The dogs stayed firmly in the didn't care camp.  Here we are on Friday the 13th and it reminds one of a childhood PBS character as well.  This time its the neighborhood variety, not the stree, as King Friday the 13th was on Mister Rogers, the choice for educational television in the 1960s.  No the favorite, Daniel Striped Tiger was, but a force to be dealt with King Friday was indeed.  Sad thing is noone ever sold the replicas during the holdays to create a frenzy.  Oh, the dogs liked the semi-human Bob the Dog the best.

Novertime

Dogs don't know the sad feeling associated with an overtime loss by the home team in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Unless you are a salesperson

Three sneezes

Ever notice the three sneeze rule? People sneeze, often, three times. Dogs sniffle, usually once or twice. Just saying...

Arena ball

Only kind of ball a dog likes is the tennis ball catch situation.  A dog can catch ball longer than the 3D Titanic film.  Dogs also do not have any time for Arena football.  They do wonder aloud if one would combine watching the Titanic in 3D, while playing catch with a dog at an Arena Football League game if it would be worse than trying to play a Doors album backwards in 1977?

Off walls

Since they don't eat chocolate, the dogs, unlike many kiddies, are not bouncing off of the walls today - day after indulging in ounces of candy and treats.

Happy Easter

Did the dogs get a basket?

Opposable thumb Easter

Design issue regarding the opposable thumb is keeping the dogs from the tradition of egg dipping, hard-boiled type.

Front row clap

Dogs will never be thrust into the national spotlight when seen standing and clapping in the front row of American Idol.  In some cases that role is reserved for middle-aged mom and dads who look as comfortable as a raccoon driving a Saab clapping away to a Stevie Wonder cover while the panel debates to save the voted off singer.

Not buying it

Dogs and people concur that Degree can't possibly expect people to believe that its deodorant is motion activated.  That's stupid.  Its like saying saliva is talking activated or a sneeze is snot activated.  Dogs know better and avoid deodorant altogether, there is a certain magic in smelling like a dog.

Being a dog...

Means never having to wash your jammies!

Inspection time

There is no thrill in a car inspection.  The annual ritual is another topic as foreign as tennis players not-named Williams to dogs.  They know not of the inspection.  They like a car ride but the upkeep baffles them like a question on the Middle East perplexed Herman Cain.  Wonder what he is doing today? Oh how quickly they fade from memory.  Maybe he's dining with John Huntsman?

3D shipwreck

Dogs are better off than people as they will never see Titanic in 3D.  The original 7-hour epic was brutal enough, in the definition of melancholy it says see the Titanic movie.  It is insufferable, like a Palin speech or petting a gnome.

No fooling

April Fool's day is meaningless to a dog.  It is kind of like having a boat and living in a desert, the two items don't exactly help the situation.  One can play the best April Fool's Day practical joke on a dog and you will get the same reaction as playing checkers with the same dog, nothing out of the ordinary.  No foolin'.

Box video

Dogs are better than people because they lead happy lives without the need to master the check-out process for the box in red containing movies on CD.  It's by no means a tough process, but nevertheless the dogs have no worries here whatsoever.

Things dogs know

It is easier to be the Easter Bunny than Santa Claus.  This is true for the mall seasonal employee from their point of view.  The bunny can hide behind that huge mask while Santa is right out there in the flesh.

No phone numbers

In the ever-present debate over who is better, dog or people, remember that a dog doesn't ever need to remember a phone number. Point for the pets.

Jonathink

Happy chic and toilet paper coverings mean nothing to a dog. They don't know Jonathan Adler from Jonathan Winters.

Spaniels

If you had a Cocker Spaniel would you name it Joe?  How could you not, unless "A Little Help From My Friends" seems more like a Barney classic than the signature piece of a bluesy Englishman.

Moving a few feet

At 8:55 pm the dog, without cause, moves from a spot in front of the couch, laying on the floor, to a spot against the wall. Kind of the decision people face in a paper versus plastic conundrum.

#224-Blog-irthday

Today the dogs wish Emily a Happy 224 Birthday, dog years are ruff!

Rev Pat vs Rev Al

Sharpton leads the masses in a sensible manner while Robertson calls for harm on a quarterback it is a dog eat dog world. To the 700 in the club, your leader has lost his marbles, they have been strewn across the road like a bloodied deer. To those with the sensatvity to listen to Al, God bless. Even a dog knows that faith is based in grace.

Etch-A-Sketch

Dogs are immune from the book-club conservative fracas over the classic Ohio Arts toy as they can't play Etch-A-Sketch without an opposable thumb.  Mitt and Ricky should battle next via Rock-Em, Sock-Em robots or battling tops.

Info 411

Back in the day of pagers, yes centuries ago in the mid-1990's, the protocal, which every dog missed out on, was to get a 911 before the telephone number in event of an emergency and a 411 in front of the number for a call-back seeking information.  Just yesterday this blog passed the information stage with its 411th post, just saying.

Sniffle day

Dogs are better than people because the deal with the sniffles in a quiet manner.  People like getting the sniffles as much as sitting in front of a kid with a strong leg kick on a long flight, not much.

Going pro

By this point of the NCAA March Madness telethon the dogs have memorized each Enterprise commercial.  They are especially confused by the one where former college athletes are hired by the rental company and wonder if these students had not been atheletes would they have jobs that didn't involve car rental companies.  Dogs don't have woners who in cute second-grade papers declare the desire for a customer-service career at an airport.  Most at that statge its astronaut and doctors.

Walking notes

Never do dogs take notes while walking downtown.  Same can not be said by anonymous walking person downtown.  Yes, a guy was walking and had a small pile of papers in hand and was taking pen-to-paper while walking.  Kind of like drinking water and chewing gum at same time, shouldn't be done, can be done, better not done together.

Loyola meaning

Although the dogs didn't watch, Loyola of Maryland lost to Ohio State Thursday night.  It was the Greyhounds versus Buckeyes and ironically Buckeyes may not kill dogs if eaten, but they are a disaster to the horse.  There are Loyolas everywhere in college sports, including Chicago, Marymount and New Orleans.  Turns out Loyola was the place where the Jesuits were founded by Ignatius back in Spain circa 1400 something.  Correct, this lesson has nothing to do with the Kinks' song Lola or Claptons' Lala.

St. Patrick

If there was a St. Patrick dog breed it would urinate green and certainly be proud on the March 17th.  Perhaps there should be a holiday created for the St. Bernard, or dogs created for St. Valentines?  Here's to beer and eggs, green beer and idiotic male behavior - seems like the dogs not knowing this is a special day doesn't matter so much - top of the mornin.'  Remember, free fries at Burger King today - with green ketchup!  While there the Burger King himself should read Green Eggs and Ham.

Bracket busted

Dogs didn't wake up today with concern that their March Madness bracket is busted.

Wild wings

Current series of Buffalo Wild Wings commercials isan improvement over the tired stay at the bar theme. Dogs don't care, they have no opposable thumb and can't each the delicious wings.

John who?

Dogs don't have to try and ignore the John Carter movie. They honestly never heard of it, unless they caught the commercial with a TV glance. Odd that movies set in the future contain no references to how bad certain movies about the future are not worth the sci or the fi.

Mysterious whispers

What are the speaking in code whispers in a chiropractor's office all about? The dogs will never know why the assistant is whispered a code that sounds half like a bingo caller and 50 percent auctioneer.

Dog bracket

If the winning bracket in the local NCAA pool is done by a dog who barks once for top-seed and twice for lower-seed there is proof that there is no science to selecting a winner.  Good luck, go Bulldogs and Greyhounds!

Dog days

Weekends are tough on dogs.  People are around all-the-time and the routine is altered.  Dogs like lazy.  They are the polar-opposite of Long John Silvers' on a lenten Friday.

Quiz nos

Hard to believe the Quiznos commercial for a seafood sandwich if purchased at the local store would look close to the image on TV.  Kind of like the perfect sandwich versus any sandwich ever bought, OK, but no picture of perfection.  Dogs can ignore this, they are not big on lent, an all-fish Friday for them is like avocado Wednesday - just not happening.

Bad brella

On the rainiest of late winter days there lurks a force of evil so powerful that it can bend cheap steel and nylon with a single gust - B.U.D. or Bent Umbrella Disruption.  Its common when on a sidewalk and heading into the wind, the updraft catches the umbrella and like a Hanes t-shirt the umbrella is instantly turned inside-out and the umbrella holder is incrementally wetter.  Dogs don't experience this, instead they have the amazing shake-off ability to render dampness null with an applied fur movement.

Red eye

The term red-eye flight is meaningless to dogs.  They are smarter than people because they know its a crazy idea to board a plane at 11:37 p.m. in the pacific time zone and land in Chicago at the absurd 5:30 a.m. central time hour.

Cat no

In the midst of Championship Week the dogs are no fans of any team named Catamounts or Wildcats but favor Bulldogs and the NCAA-bound Loyola Greyhounds.

Stupor Tuesday

When the dog lays down after the 47th ball-catch they have indeed caught enough.  As the primary season winds to this day called today, white flags or surrender are ready to be raised.  How many times does one have to be reminder of how great Mitt is versus Rick versus Newt versus Garpon the irrational chemist who wants to win your heart?  Its like asking how many licks does it take to get the the center of a Tootsie Pop - the world may never know.  Here America is pending billions to nominate one loser over three others, minus Garpon the chemist.  Democracy at its worst.

Cyber privacy

Dogs aren't at all concerned with changes to cyber privacy agreements today.  They are underinformed, as are most who never read the registration details, and prefer life that way.

Best of the blog day 6

Posted first on Wednesday May 11, 2011 under Fig Newt heading

Today might be the end of the beginning for dog interest in Newt. Very few if any dogs are likely named Newt. Newton, his actual name, perhaps is a modestly popular dog name in fig-land. Dogs trump people everyday for the simple reason that they never make campaign promises.  If predictions ring true Newt will make some today that won't be kept, just like his vow of faithfulness.  As he announces his campaign, he will emulate the human equivalent of licking his balls in public - it's called giving a partisan speech.

Best of the blog day 5

Originally posted August 31, 2011 under Swing Whack title

Dogs never get the life lesson of the swing whack.  This is a painful (slight) childhood memory.  The whack is a valid lesson-learned as after feeling it, no one wants to do it again.  A dog could run around a set of swings for 9-million years and never get hit.  Put a toddler in the same area code of a swing set and they will get whacked 87.43% of the time.  It's a simple problem, the lines of spatial dimensions remain undeveloped in the toddler (only coming to light at age 4 in most) and therefore they are exposed to the desire to run near the swing-arch and are prone to getting whacked by those on the swing.  Like lather, rinse repeat, stay away from the swings is a simple request and if-followed, cure.  It's all part of the process.  First, stand away from swings.  Second, don't jump off the high part of the teeter-totter.  Picture a dog on a teeter-totter.  Smile.

Best of the blog day 4

Originally posted November 16, 2011 in the midst of the PSU sex scandal under title Nittany Lyin'

Dogs know it's stupid to stop in front of a defrocked coaches' home and genuflect like it's an alter at St. Unimaginable Parrish. If a dog did kneel it was simply to provide bodily-function relief and the lawn choice was as random as a quick-pick lottery purchase.  People in Happy Valley apparently can't distinguish deity from guy without old job. We are not Penn State. The "we" in the world reports crimes and allows for due process.  They (PSU) are living in a cult-like illusion that now, via a crack in the armor, is exposed as real. And the real that intersected with fact is something to kneel about, but the lawn of the coach, that's wrong church, wrong pew. Knelling in front of a lawn jockey or pink flamingo would have equal meaning to the sane - none.  Talk about the misguided and the dictionary entry will say - see Penn State - all parts painted with the same shameful brush.  If they had a clue this would have come to pass decades ago.  Only people can inflict these unspeakable ills onto children and only people can play make-believe that it didn't happen.  That is Penn State, home of the Nittany Lyin'.

Best of the blog day 3

Posted originally on March 15, 2011 - under the "Pan the Panderer" title

Life as a dog means never having to pander-down your past.  Sure you as a dog may have things that are regrettable.  Perhaps you ate some pooh.  Maybe you were caught licking there.  Maybe a wrestling move on your dog-brother was misinterpreted as a sexual endeavor.  But the dog never has to explain itself or create a new answer to an old question.  People change the answer to suit the audience, something a dog doesn't do.  Facts show potential presidential candidate Newt Gingrich as a multi-divorcee whom left a wife while she was in a state of serious medical decline.  Now years later the rationale produced in answer form is a zest for America made him do these things the Christian-right finds disgusting.  He has, in essence, licked his dog balls, got caught and is saying they were juiced with super-America apple-pie flavoring.  Yes this rendered his balls, metaphorically speaking, irresistible.  Forgive him for liking apple pie, all Americans like it too.  Dogs don't eat pie.  They just wait to you aren't looking and lick again.  They remain fully patriotic in the process.

Best of blog anniversary celebration - day 2

Originally posted February 27, 2011, second post-ever

To offend intentionally is bad.  To offend by association and stereotype is not so bad.  The later is true when qualified.  For example, all Irish do not fight as the nicknamed domers at Notre may suggest.  The preface sets up the illustration of what is flagged as the carpet-paper experience.  The move is dogtastic and spans generations of the species and may prove evolution exists.  Who knows where they learn it, they just do.  Dog comes inside from outside and sits square on the carpet.  The hind legs spread.  The rear end is severely pressed downward. Next is motion akin to an assembly-line strict forward-rub.  The dog's rear is successfully scratched and the carpet is, in-effect, used as toilet paper.  This move has and will always be known as the "Chief Itchy Butt."  The term "Chief" is based on the stereotype of an American Indian leader squatting fireside.  Similar settings have stereotypical words like "Wampum" in the vocabulary, if scripted.  These "smoke-em' peace pipe" references were formed during the Go Go Gophers portion of Underdog shows.  It is not in reference to other Chiefs among us.  No firefighter bosses were singled out in this illustration of dog-relief after the dog's relieved.  The Kansas City Chiefs bear no part in this illustration.  Anyone named Chief by parents desiring support-group experiences for their young offspring are equally exempt.  At the end of the day Chief Itchy Butt is a label affixed to a move that no other animal is willing to attempt.  It is simple and effective and cute despite its disgusting elements.

Best of blog anniversary celebration

From December 31, 2011

It's New Year's Eve and he is our Dick.  America's Dick, your Dick, my Dick, even Cheney's Dick.   The host of American Bandstand and assorted game shows and as associated with December 31st as Times Square, bad sunglasses and a midnight kiss and no dog can ever recite his name:  Dick Clark.  Find a man under age 50 today named Dick and the odds are very high that he is a Junior Dick or Dick III.  If there is a dog named Dick he is very bad behaved and it's an acquired nickname.  The name Dick is as obsolete and non-retro as Major Matt Mason toys from the 1960's.  The name is as faded as a Kerry-Edwards in '04 bumper sticker but gets banner treatment once a year for Rockin' Eve.  Way to be the best Dick possible.  Happy New Year.

Cycle completed

So the journey is full-cycle.  What does that mean?  Well one year ago tomorrow the first-post appeared on this blog.  Full-cycle is the 365 day completion of a post per day for one full-year.  That was not the goal of the blog when it started - no one knew where any of this would lead and it could have stopped anytime but didn't.  This was (and is) an outlet for creativity that is enjoyed.  Who knows where it is going but there was a beginning and it was random.  The first post was about a political aspect of what was to become the Arab-Spring agenda.  Day two was much better, it introduced the favorite dog character of Chief Itchy Butt.   The opposable-thumb reference chain soon followed.  Other features came and went.  The concept drifted from a superiority of dog ability in this world, as compared to humans, to political roasts to an homage to the leader of America's bandstand and it will continue to evolve and diverge. One year down, who knows how many to go - and in dogs years' it's 7.

All-Stars

If dogs had an all-star team everyone would want their pup on the list.  That's the great thing about dogs, they all shine from the owners' point of view.

Pill woes

Dogs don't have to weigh the consequences known as drug side-effects, like fire out the ass, for a prescription product. These warnings are a laundry list of bad over worse, kind of like choosing Rick over Mitt or dry mouth over chronic muscle pulsations.

Opposable thumb issue #732

It's a golf shaft with rubber cones on each end, the baton.  Dogs can't twirl one, due to the aforementioned and overdone opposable-thumb issue.  Twirling is one of those things that everybody has seen yet few wish to do.  There is no audience for Twirling With The Stars or America's Best Twirler - not enough cable channels in the world to hold that audience.

What winter

It will soon be shedding season with a lot of un-used dog fur flying off at record levels.

Opposable thumb issue #53

Changing the channel via remote control (the clicker in some circles) is a key part of evening couch potato living.  Missing commercials, making that key 9 p.m. switch of networks with seamless precision, catching the weather while watching the game all matter.  Except for dogs, they chew remotes, but can't use remotes - chalk it up to the pesky opposable-thumb issue.

Knock knock

Riddle the dogs this:  What's 200 pounds, looks like a Ken doll, speaks like a puppet and straps a dog to the rooftop for family vacation?  Too easy?  Defend that one Rush.

Spring training

Baseball is back via the rite of passage that is Spring Training.  Dogs are happy, they like to fetch balls.  It is pure joy for a dog to run after a ball.  That same joy transcends baseball lovers when the magical words "pitchers and catcher report" are sated or written.  It is the same kind of glee Magical Mitt, the Republican protector from oven heat from the liberal bastions in the world (lovers of all anti-GOP things), gets when strapping his pooch to the car roof and heading for the Great White North.  Yes, you must be born in the USA, of age and felony free to be the President, but dogs elect to add the "don't strap us to the roof" mandate to the qualifications.  The dogs want to go to Spring Training but the back-seat is the preferred option.  Put Mitt on the roof and ride him to Canada, but not before he suffers defeat at the hands of voters in November.  He, like Google Ricky, is fun to kick around.  Happy Presidents' Day - no mail.

Opposable thumb issue #951

Shaking hands is common for people but for a dog the task is encumbered unfairly by the opposable-thumb design issue.  It also limits the high-five and the swirly.

Question day

Do dogs from Jersy bark with an accent?

Opposable thumb issue #273

Doggies can't turn the volume up to listen to Peter Gabriel sing In Your Eyes due to that pesky opposable thumb issue.

Opposable thumb issue #429

Dogs have a difficult time entering hotel rooms.  They can't get their paws around those slide cards, not to mention the timing involved with a slide and unlatch need at the door.  Chalk it up to the opposable thumb issue.  Until that is solved no dogs will check in or book on Expedia for a bargain rate.

Candy sale

Today all dogs head to the local store and grab candy heart boxes at 50% discounts just because they can, but only in their heads.  In reality they have a full day planned in the house.

A poem

Roses are red and dogs are white, black and brown
Happy Valentine's Day from the dog side of town
Its poetry like this that puts it in perspective
Creative writing class was a chosen elective

Crazy sport

Dog hockey. No sticks, just a puck and skates.

Mr. Lincoln

Happy Birthday Abe, did you have a dog?  Was it named Mercury?

Dog idol

Sure they have dog competitions for best in show, but Dog Idol would require song performance in front of a live audience.

Don't serve

Don't serve dogs pudding at a birthday party.  They prefer cake.

Bowl lick

Note to dogs, when the dinner bowl is empty it will remain empty until breakfast.  Dogs tend to lick the empty bowl fully expecting the tongue to create a magical bounty of kibble. 

Face flick

Nomination to the award for interesting sounds made by dogs category:  The rear paw face flick.  Nothing like it.  Simple joy.

Chip in

Factual statements are black and white.  Take Sunday's favorite chip commercial.  Dog is hero.  Cat is missing.  Man is happy because dog gives him bag of chips.  Woman is sad because she can't find cat.  Facts lead to decision its good to be the dog.

Super habit

The big game lived up to the hype and the dogs who slept through it congratulate the Giants.  Each Super Bowl brings a unique people habit.  Tell me that people in New England and New York didn't put team shirts on their dogs.  It's our way of bringing them into the fun, yet the dogs don't really care. They are left to wonder why they don't wear shirts the other 364 days a year.  So the NFL does a reset -  all teams are 0-0 now.  The Patriots have yet to win a Super Bowl after SpyGate and the dogs may want an asterisk in the record books.  Better wait til next year.  Go Steelers, says Brody.

Perfume not

Dogs don't wear perfume or cologne.  Most people shouldn't, the odor is usually awful - most smell like grandma's purse or bug spray.  Hey world, tone it down, you may smell terrible without it but you actually smell terrible wearing it.

Wrong Mitt

Even a sleeping dog knows not to count out the poor.  In the land of free-speech the right to stupid discourse remains available, especially to GOP front-runners.  Is anyone asking the question - how did it come down to this Mittens guy being the best of the worst?  Oh, perhaps they lined up all the idiots in a long line and whoever said "I am not concerned with the very poor" first won the reality show and gets to move ahead as nominee.  Hurray for the Mormon.  Have a cup of coffee and get real.

Weather caring

Dogs don't care about the weather.  They don't care that the Groundhog predicted six more weeks of winter.  That's like predicting a fortune cookie with Chinese take-out, obvious.  It is February and the not-so-smart dogs among us still know that winter remains a long way from conclusion.

Where's Ted?

How quickly it gets forgotten.  Dogs do it, people do it, find a sensation one day and a year later the celebrity is toast.  So today the dogs might ask, on this Groundhog Day of jubilee, where is formerly homeless, found via on-line video, proclaimed to have a "golden voice" and given a home by the Cleveland Cavaliers and hired to do commercial voice-overs by major companies, yet couldn't find his way from rehab, Ted Williams?  This is when society needs the Hollywood Squares so it can keep up with those fallen-from-limelight to game-show contract celebrities.  A salute to Wally Cox - voice of Tennessee Tuxedo!  No groundhogs were harmed in the typing of this blog.

Mittens wins

Doggies say a guy named Mitt winning Florida's primary is like a guy named Swimsuit winning in Alaska.

Dog dare ya

To the writers of Two and a Half Men to write an episode that contains no bathroom humor in the entire show.  These guys make innuendo seem as common as breath on a dog.

On lawn

Republicans in the field and supporting the candidates for President all seem to fall in the category of old-men who would yell "get off my lawn" at a dog or kids, who let a stray ball roll onto the yard. 

Of our lives

Dogs of Our Lives is a canine version of the popular soap opera, but the doggies tell you that they have no hidden mysteries in a locked box.  Is this plot kindled from the Gore campaign of 2000?  Or have ideas run out?

Not happy?

People do OK with the "happy when you know it" song, dogs struggle.  They can't exactly stomp the feet or nod the head or clap hands, but everyone knows they are happy and they know it.

To moon

Before the current crop of dogs, but when Newt was young, "to the moon" was an odd TV wife threat that brought laughter from black and white sets everywhere.  It was when the TV was made in places like Erie, PA and was a Zenith or Sylvania. Finding a Zenith at the store is like finding the logic in Newt's 51st state commentary today on the moon.  Yep, while dogs slept today, Newt, the human troll-like figure in the run to lose in November and spend millions in the process, said while in Florida, near the NASA site, he wants to populate the moon.  If they were voting for first to go and last to leave Newt would top this ticket.

Dog products

Potato chips for dogs!

State of

It's state of the union time again and the dogs are comforted that everything is OK.  Naps are not banned, food remains free and the yard is open for business.  Sign them up for another year!

No animals

When the BIG FOOTBALL GAME happens February 5 two teams with human-based characteristics will compete:  Giants versus Patriots.  No animal names advanced, the Ravens were the last birds standing, but ironically (due to flight reference) couldn't guide a field goal through to keep hope alive. 

Last lecture

No dog will ever deliver a last lecture at an institution of higher learning.  They just don't get to hold  tenured positions over time.  If they did they may have encountered Randy Pausch and his YouTube video and book, "The Last Lecture."  As a kept-so-far New Year's resolution, the book-a-month year started with a spontaneous purchase of the Pausch book.  While the dogs might have been tempted to hit up the video lecture before reading the book, kind of a Cliff-notes approach to Moby Dick, the book came first, when finished, the lecture would be watched.  Both are powerful and obviously sad, but hold many key points and take-aways.  It's a strong thumbs up to follow book-first, lecture second.  Now batting, Moneyball - the dogs think it's about the balls they play with and how much they cost!

Ice pooh

Snow in January creates a blanket of white over the lawn.  It also hides a spattering of brown beneath.  Yes fresh-fallen snow brings winter into full view but also cover the building pooh of winter on the ground.  Dogs know no bounds each winter.  They might have to maneuver through the snow to let it fly, but as a dusting turns into several inches the layers of pooh all disappear.  That's all fine until the thaw when it looks like the elephant pen at the circus was in the backyard over the winter.

Pooh oh pooh
Under blanket of snow
For several months
Where did it all go?

Mr Caine

If all dogs spoke like actor Michael Caine how would that affect their popularity?  If a German Shepherd said no to the actor would it be a Caine nine?

Walk way

It is called a moving walkway, not a moving stand way. Dogs would be petrified to walk on an airport moving sidewalk. Same is the case with people of the clueless persuasion. Sure, stand there and don't walk. No one in an airport is in a hurry. Block the path.  Socialize.  Let's stand on the moving walkway and chat about Hemmingway.

Doggie status

Dogs are not inclined to produce a self-inflicted wound by putting out too much information in their status line or via tweets.  They keep it simple.

At game

Jon Heder was shown on TV for 8 seconds Sunday during the Packers game.  He is Napoleon Dynamite.  He was seated among the masses assembled in Green Bay to watch the Giants versus Packers.  Why was he there and shown?  Oh, his cartoon show debuted after the game on Fox, but still, why?  It must be how the promotional winds blow in the Fox world.  Jet-set the guy to the game, show him and hope people care to watch his 9 p.m. show.  Dogs are immune from this.  They missed the "Vote for Pedro" fad - he was in the seats too.  The dogs also missed a great game, some say the referees missed a good game too, but even Napoleon couldn't save the home team, which makes sense if it all computes.

No cruises

Not sure if dogs are permitted to board cruise vessels, but certainly it would be the choice of the puppy sector to retain paws firmly placed on dry land after seeing the fiasco near Italy this weekend.  What a mess, what a shame.  Seeing dogs try to passenger in canoes this summer was fun.  It reminds one of the "time and place for everything" edict.  Yes, you may be in the woods on vacation with the dog.  No that does not mean the dog should canoe with you.  Can you comprehend that they just don't understand it in the same manner as people?  It would be like expecting them to enjoy a kiddieland ride just because you were riding.  Not the case.

Smoke break

Through rain and cold, even frigid temperatures, the smokers take their breaks outside sans coats.  Dogs are smart enough not to smoke, but the irony is that the coast they wear are good inside and out.  For non smokers there is no cause on earth worthy of a shivering span of minutes to suck smoke into the lungs while outside as temperatures hover at 16 degrees.  To suffer through that to win a million dollars makes sense, to cause financial and heath harm to the body, nope.  Dogs don't smoke therefore, like many other things, dogs are smarter than people.

No thermostat

There is not a dog in history who has ever thought the need to adjust a theromstat regardless of temperature comfort.

No trophies

Unlike the rest of the world, dogs don't get a medal or trophy for participation. If a dog wins a show they get a trophy taller than a 6 year old. Kids gets awards for showing up these days, kind of like getting desert without eating the meal. Ideas like "rewards for all" are an extension of failed theory such as NBC thinking aloud "if Jay Leno is liked at 11:35 five nights a week he may be liked more at 10 p.m."  Remember that? Too much of a good thing can be bad, see Republican debate programing as Exhibit A.

No Elmo show

Dogs don't feel bad when they don't take the kids to see an Elmo dance show at the city's theater.

Strange expression

No dog will ever say hunky-dory to demonstrate satisfaction for something.  It's just one of those things people say, as a matter of fact, that just seems weird if you examine it closely.

Bread snack

If dogs were asked to choose between bread and kibble what would they select?  We will never know the answer but it can be assume they may be evenly split.  There is something magical about opening the bread drawer in the eyes of the dog.  A bit of bread makes that part of the day, which may seem mundane, special.  These special parts of the day are good for both dog and man as they are simple like mittens - by the way 2 out of 3 people believe Mitt Romney's actual first name is Mittens not the factual Willard (like guy who loved rats - hmmmm - in the 1970s horror film famous for the Michael Jackson song).  Who could name a guy Mittens!  Trivia time, the movie was co-produced by Bing Crosby.

BCS aftershock

Even though the dog didn't watch the game, its assumed that the puppies are in favor of a championship playoff instead of the Bowl Championship Series.  Calling the non-spectacle of the Rose-Fiesta-Sugar and Orange Bowls a championship series is like calling Shark Night quality cinema.  The BCS is as unpopular as a Mormon at The Vatican.  But taking the BCS away from college football, because of money and ratings, is like The Pope selling his gold, or hawking it for a "Priests Like Dick                                                                                                                      Clark"  T-shirt.

Game noises

Dogs are better than people because if they took their pups on a plane they would not allow them to play games that make space-fighter beeping noises while other people are trying to read!  The plane has become a battlefield.  First with bags fees at all-time high levels for checked baggage, people bring the equal to a Great Dane sized dog on the plane and try to shove it in the overhead comportament, which can handle bags that are modest to small best - with a few draped coats on top.  Then its the gadgets.  Nook.  I-Pod.  Phones.  Games.  This cornucopia of technology causes people act act in defiance (keeping phone on after notice) and ignoring the obvious (that noise from your game is annoying everyone but your kid).  Solution is a seating chart where the passengers declare if they are good or bad traveling companions, so when seats are selected you sit in front of and beside those who consider themselves good travelers.  Dogs don't deal with this, they ride underneath either stowed-away of in breathable lugguage at feet-level.

Sad dog

Mitt Romney has got to feel like the sad dog at the local animal shelter.  On the surface he seems to posess the qualities desired of potential dog owners, yet upon closer review he is discarded for another breed.

If dogs played...

If dogs played basektball it would be fun to watch.  First think of them in cartoon world, organized and playing the game as people play it only as dogs.  Cute.  Then imagine dogs playing basketball as dogs.  Choas but possibly fun for a few minutes.  It could be vicious as they fought for a rebound - if they ever took a shot - probably couldn't get the ball out of any dog's mouth to cause them to shoot.

The driver

One common experience for people is lost on dogs.  The puppies (save for service dogs) never grab a bag and board a shuttle bus or van.  The circumstance of waiting creates a joyful situation when the shuttle arrives.  Now the hope of the destination is near and full faith placed in the anonymous driver.  This person now has control of the van and is in charge of safe travel.  Are they a good driver?  Did they get a good night's sleep?  Are they paying attention?  All legitimate questions that will never cross a dog's mind.  These drivers could be the masterminds of evil plots - yet we are happy to see them - and assume they are not diobolical characters - as we, like the Tubes song, don't want to wait anymore.

Simple math

No dogs voted in Iowa Tuesday.  There were 122,000 GOPers who did.  Over 92,000 voted for someone other than Mitt Romney.  While he had 30,000 votes, just eight more than Ricky Google, he won.  Santorum now knows every 8 block of votes really counts.

Cold yet

Amazing that a dog's coat keeps them comfortable inside or outside, even in 15 degree weather. They say: Try that skin! Fur rocks! 

How long

U2 ends the song 40 with the over-repetitive "how long" in referencing singing the song.  Literally they sing the same cadence over and over again for 47 hours before fading the music.  This brings in the non-dog concept of the mandatory use of Happy New Year in every new conversation this week.  By Friday the Happy New Year sentiments should, like the Bachmann candidacy, fade from discussion only to see rebirth in early 2013 or never.

Resolve this

No dog will ever make a New Year's resolution.  It is a dog's sincere opinion, resolutions don't make sense.  Dogs are logical, resolutions are impractical.  Take the past few years.  First was the attempt to resolve (2010) to drink more, at work.  Fun in concept.  Tough to do.  Did not work as a resolution, utter failure.  Then eureka in 2011 the attempt to simply work the ridiculously offense word "c*nt" into casual conversation.  Lesson learned, tough to accomplish, total failure.  Onto 2012 and the vow is to dispute the meaningful purpose of resolutions.  Mission accomplished.

It's 2012

Look at a dog today and try to converse about the January calendar having 2012 on it.  Blank stare.  Happy New Year, not a difference if you are a dog day.  Big year ahead.  Election year, London Olympics, 30 Rock returns and untold other prophecy rebuked.  Below are a sure-fire list of 5 things every dog will do in 2012:

1)  Sleep more than Joe Biden.
2)  Appear on Enertainment tonight less than Marie Osmond.
3)  Watch American Idol, they really like Ryan.
4)  Never say Sandusky as a noun.
5)  Tweet less, talk more.  Take that Ashton.