Our Dick

It's New Year's Eve and he is our Dick.  America's Dick, your Dick, my Dick, even Cheney's Dick.   The host of American Bandstand and assorted game shows and as associated with December 31st as Times Square, bad sunglasses and a midnight kiss and no dog can ever recite his name:  Dick Clark.  Find a man under age 50 today named Dick and the odds are very high that he is a Junior Dick or Dick III.  If there is a dog named Dick he is very bad behaved and it's an acquired nickname.  The name Dick is as obsolete and non-retro as Major Matt Mason toys from the 1960's.  The name is as faded as a Kerry-Edwards in '04 bumper sticker but gets banner treatment once a year for Rockin' Eve.  Way to be the best Dick possible.  Happy New Year.

Wine line

No dog will spend a minute in line purchasing bad-tasting champagne for New Year's Eve.  They are the smarter than people species as the bubbly stuff, no matter how you frame it, taste terrible.  When dry is used to describe anything except a sand formation it is wrong and usually to be avoided.

Text walkers

There are distinct looks for a lot of things.  Facial expressions that match the situation.  Body reactions to meet the event.  Pop a balloon and the face will emit a distinct visual image, kind of like the look of terror when thinking of a Newt White House.  Dogs don't react these ways.  They also don't text while walking, never have, never will.  To text and walk is to walk without the benefit or desire to see where one is heading, which is kind of the complaint of the view being bad unless you are the lead dog on the sled.

Bowl week

It's the most wonderful time of the year, if ESPN promotional spots are to be believed for its upcoming Bowl Week - 100,004 college football games in row between now and January 9th, give or take.  For dogs this only adds confusion as bowl week implies food in the bowl all week, which then leads to diet week and image-crisis week followed by therapy month.

No caucus

While Rick Santorum (Google his last name) is on the hunt for nine more votes in Iowa the dogs are sitting the caucus out.  They aren't sitting on their paws in disgust, although they could not be blamed for doing so.  This time, they are ineligible to vote under a weird law.  Rule K9 invokes canine mental superiority over all current "R" candidates. Therefore, ipso facto it would be demeaning to cost a ballot.  It would be like buying a vowel in "wheel" when there is only one unlit block left and the puzzle reads:  F _ T H O M.  Can you have an "A" sure if you believe that words such as Fethom, Futhom, Fothom and for the Y as a vowel crowd Fythom exist.  Just like to concept of competency on the GOP side, those words don't exist.

Jog today

It's the day after Christmas and dogs are not inspired to job this morning to shave a few pounds of ham off of their physiques.  They will also not shop today.  Wise dogs are they.

Merry Christmas

Santa was here....for dogs too! 

By chimney

Tradition dictates the decorations are up for Christmas within roughly 79 hours of the removal of the Thanksgiving turkey.  This gives the dog named Hamish nearly a full month to recall the significance and revere at the Christmas stocking.  Hung with care in the living room, the stocking annually contains dog goodies like bones and treats.  There once was a pastor who claimed dogs had no memory.  Funny thing,  he was wrong twice.  He's not a pastor and Hamish has a memory.  Each night in the march toward Christmas Ham is excited to enter the room, sit down, stare at and sniff the empty stocking.  The assumed position is the definition of sit - any dog trainer would be proud.  He locates in front of the stocking and looks at it like a Leprechaun finding a rainbow.  He is told that Santa is coming soon and likely believes the next day will bring a stocking filled with dog fun.  It's a pattern that easily could be a 15-page book for kids, Hammy and the Stocking.  It is yet another way to enjoy the total simplicity of the holiday season, from a paw point of view.

Factor-X

Dogs are smarter than people as they wasted not a split-second of time watching the X-Factor.

Get grip

Next time a vice grip is needed don't rely on the dog to guide the decision. It's widely known that an Irwin vice grip grips like no other grips. Dogs simply don't care. They have the ultimate paw grip keeping the bone steady during a pleasant chew.

Monkey dog

Best part of last weeks' Sunday NFL marathon was the monkey riding a dog video.  Expect FOX to announce a mid-season show based on the 8 second clip.  Some say the combo should be the ticket for the GOP party but they (the dog and the monkey) are likely smarter than Mitt and Newt.  If Mitt could ride Newt at halftime dressed as a cowboy they may get more votes.

Dog vampires

There's a great theme song looming for the dog vampires, household pups turned into blood thirsty immortals. If only it were true.  Make Twilight for people and it's a phenomenon. Try it for dogs and the concept is odd.

Famous pendant

This holiday season the British celebrity designed open-heart necklace is omnipresent. Dogs ignore the hype, people either think the jewelry looks like an odd shaped 2 or pluck down the cash hoping for success.  Further proof that the holidays is really a time to just buy anything so the shopping can be completed.

How fast?

Dog engineers don't design car speedometers that list 140 mph as the top speed.  Common sense has long left the speedometer world, even without a reality-TV star impacting the stupidity.  To drive a Honda off the lot and think of going to 140 mph is like Ron Paul picking one from several family Bibles for his Presidential swearing-in ceremony, premature (Newt is a shoo-in, he said so). 

Flash not

Flash mobs can be fun, but generally they are fringe annoying. Dogs don't do flash mobs. They can run in packs, but don't dance in public to choreography.

Finish what you start

Dogs would never leave a football program as coach after 11 months.  Todd Graham you are penalized 15 yards for personal stupidity.

No pressure

Dogs don't possess a look of shopping panic at this time of year, further proof to overall superiority of the breed.  Finding a panicked shopper these days is easier than locating an elderly woman with poor perfume choice or wearing an animal stole in church.

Finale 12th day

On the 12th day of Christmas the owner gave the dogs 12 more versus of the song so that it seems like Kumbaya - beautiful, aimless and endless all at the same time, 11 crackers in a kong, $10,000 won in a Mitt Romney bet, nine large plastic chew bones (that sound like a subtle version of fingernails on chalkboard when used), eight bowls for drinking, Ben Roethlisberger #7 Steeler dog jerseys, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

11th day

On the eleventh day of Christmas the owner gave the dogs 11 crackers in a kong, $10,000 won in a Mitt Romney bet, nine large plastic chew bones (that sound like a subtle version of fingernails on chalkboard when used), eight bowls for drinking, Ben Roethlisberger #7 Steeler dog jerseys, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Tenth day

On the 10th day of Christmas the owner gave the dogs $10,000 won in a Mitt Romney bet, nine large plastic chew bones (that sound like a subtle version of fingernails on chalkboard when used), eight bowls for drinking, Ben Roethlisberger #7 Steeler dog jerseys, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Number nine

On the ninth day of Christmas the owner gave the dogs nine large plastic chew bones (that sound like a subtle version of fingernails on chalkboard when used), eight bowls for drinking, Ben Roethlisberger #7 Steeler dog jerseys, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Eighth day

On the eighth day of Christmas the owner gave the pups eight bowls for drinking, Ben Roethlisberger #7 Steeler dog jerseys, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Day seven

On the seventh day of Christmas the owner gave the pups Ben Roethlisberger #7 Steeler dog jerseys, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Brief pause

No pair of dogs in the world carry the names Mitt and Newt. As incomprehensible as that dog thought, imagine the sheer magnitude of all humans under the Republican sun that Mitt and Newt are the best in the field. It's like being a sailor in 1940 and not having an anchor tattoo.  Yes America the likely next POTUS will be named one the following non-dog names: Barack, Mitt or Newt. Chain, Gork and Frothmatrick were not available?

Day six

On the sixth day of Christmas the owner gave the pups, six geese to chase after, five Golden Grahams,  four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Big #5

On the fifth day of Christmas the owner gave the dogs five Golden Grahams (cereal pieces on top of their food) four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Day four

On the fourth day of Christmas the owner gave the pups four squeaky toys, three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Day three

On the third day of Christmas the owner gave the puppy three cookie treats, two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

Second day

On the second day of dog Christmas the owner gave the pup two tennis balls and a chew toy under the tree.

New song

On the first day of dog Christmas the owner gave the pup a chew toy under the tree.

Anthem sung

Dogs are superior to people because no dog has ever forgotten the words while singing the Star Spangled Banner.

Life as a dog featurette #7

Life as a dog requires little exertion of will to get the house ready for Christmas.  Put differently, if dogs were in charge of decorating there would be no decorating.  They can and will enjoy the holiday cheer minus the spiked eggnog - which begs the question as to why there are no other 'nogs.  No butter-nog, cheese-nog, ice-cream-nog, potato-nog, fish-nog, nut-nog, cactus-nog, nothing.

Olive ads

If they could gather money and put it in their fur and gain access to the car dogs would be influenced by the newest Olive Garden creations saying they look tasty!

Another Monday

Monday is Monday for a dog. This is not a Cyber Monday cause for celebration. As if on-line shopping were a new idea, the creation of a pseudo-holiday is about as anonymous as a Coptic Church ritual, until it gets blistered on Verizon ads. Grab your mouse, get some bargains, hunt for deer, the dog will read the Monday paper and call it a day.

Hunt not

Dogs don't hunt for deer.  They ignore rifle season altogether.  Thus they are not part of the legions of camouflage and blaze adorned woodsmen entering the forest with beer and ammo for a fortnight of  a stay in search of a buck kill.  For all of the deer readers, run fast and run toward houses, now, stay there for two weeks.  That's 14 hooves. 

Opposable thumb issue #27

No moving furnishings:  Dogs benefit in this no opposable thumb situation as they never have to move furnishings.  From the beginning of time people have been moving stuff, moving other peoples stuff and even moving stuffing - which is getting old in a fridge near everyone.

Property stay

In the typical dog day, the pups may never leave the property.  In fact unless there is a trip involved or a vet visit, the only time the dogs leave the property is for donut day, Sunday mornings.  Thanksgiving is a people equivilent to a typical dog day, no leaving the property.  Once a year its a wonderful thing of thanks.

Don't look now but its 30 days to Christmas.

Gobble gobble

Dogs don't have to baste a turkey.  Happy Thanksgiving.  What's a dogs favorite part of Thanksgiving?  The Underdog balloon in the Macy's Parade!

Rainy night

Dogs deal with a rainy night better than people. People get tired of days of downpours. We have reached the people days of fall.

Twilight dog

Would a cute dog or four help Twilight sell more tickets? Just asking. Team Edward sees to be winning, but so did Sheen, Perry, Cain and now Newt.

Sidney's back

Its news across the hockey world, Sidney Crosby returns tonight after a long battle back from concussions last January. This is good news for all dogs named Sid as for a few months they thought the namesake was a baseball player named Bream from the 90's.

Name game

St. Johns has a basketball player with the first name, true, of Godsgift. Dogs don't get these names, unless like the player, they have ministers as parents. No Godsgift's last name is not Toman.

Black Friday

Some dogs pretend they shop.  It's obviously their owners taking them to PetCo as fun outing.  But the expression Black Friday can only do one thing for dogs - confuse them.  If the household a a Black Friday shopper sees the routine interupted the dogs will sense there is something going on.  Dogs sense different but can't put their "paw" on it.  They will wonder why someone is leaving the house at 11:30 - not knowing the crock pot is only $5.99 between midnight and 3 a.m. (quantaties limited).  Also they will go askew when the car comes back with the crock pot and 400 other bargains at 3:45 a.m.  Yet another reason to skip Black Friday is to keep dog-sanity in the routine.  Sometimes routine is all they have.

Famous Hermans

Other than Munster, there are not a lot of famour Hermans.  Probably not a lot of dogs named Herman either, but sometimes the dog name choice runs counter to people names.  Not a lot of guys named Buddy, but an overly common doggie name it is.  If one Google's famous Hermans it wants to tell about Famous Germans - and not just the Sheppherd!

More sleep

Just an observation, but seems that as daylight becomes shorter the dogs sleep longer, as-in more often.  It's tough for them to sleep more, as they sleep a lot already, but there is not a lot on their schedule right now and sleep wins over awake.

Lyin' shower

Showers are something dogs just don't do.  A dog never wakes up, wipes their eyes, grabs a towel then picks out the days' underwear and heads for the shower.  Also, when dogs finish football practice they don't all gather in a locker room and shower together as a team.  This creates a world where dogs have no ability to wrestle in showers with fellow pups, accidentally touching the legs of others in playful jest.  People, or at least one infamous and accused person, talk differently about shower rituals. One would believe it is common for horseplay to happen in the sanctity of the gym shower.  This again is where dogs have it over people.  Public showering is forced behavior that is generally based on society not wanting odor after a good sweat to permeate the remainder of the school day, thus the gym-class shower was invented.  It's a heads forward, don't ever drop or fetch the soap world.  No place for an inter-generational laugh fest of naked towel cracking.  Once again there are parallel universes at play.  In the real world, one showers alone.  In the Nittany Lyin' world showering is the wet version of not only taking candy from the stranger, but jumping in the car for the ride.

Tag along

There are loads of people activities where bringing a kid as a tag-along is the right way to go.  These range from the simple versions of grocery shopping, running to the store or the fun of heading to the mall.  Dogs are the tag-along and never see the other side of the coin.  Not that dogs wouldn't like the attention, but there are places one wouldn't drag a person or dog to under any circumstances, like a tattoo shop.  It's been established that dogs are smarter than people for lack of paying for tattoos, but dogs are smarter than the people seen recently dragging their kids into the tattoo shop.  That's a long-boring wait on a ride to nowhere.

Threw shoe

If shoes equal sophistication, like a navy-blue halter top, they may make the man, but don't wake the dog. People value the shoe. Good shoes equal success. Cheap shoes put one in range for class warfare ridicule. About the only use some dogs find for the shoes is as something to eat and destroy, like heavyweights hitting a roadside Buffett on Saturday night. Dogs never walk around with shoes untied, they never lose a sock in the laundry and they never have to spend a dime on a size 11.

No kneel

Dogs know it's stupid to stop in front of a defrocked coaches' home and genuflect like it's an alter at St. Unimaginable Parrish. If a dog did kneel it was simply to provide bodily-function relief and the lawn choice was as random as a quick-pick lottery purchase.  People in Happy Valley apparently can't distinguish deity from guy without old job. We are not Penn State. The "we" in the world reports crimes and allows for due process.  They (PSU) are living in a cult-like illusion that now, via a crack in the armor, is exposed as real. And the real that intersected with fact is something to kneel about, but the lawn of the coach, that's wrong church, wrong pew. Knelling in front of a lawn jockey or pink flamingo would have equal meaning to the sane - none.  Talk about the misguided and the dictionary entry will say - see Penn State - all parts painted with the same shameful brush.  If they had a clue this would have come to pass decades ago.  Only people can inflict these unspeakable ills onto children and only people can play make-believe that it didn't happen.  That is Penn State, home of the Nittany Lyin'.

Food jump

People like food, its the American way, clean your plate, eat up, don't leave any scraps.  But people won't jump for food.  Dogs will.  Hold a piece of food at shoulder level and dogs get hops like a fine Pilsner beer.  Its fun for both people and dogs.  The dog gets to eat and people get to delight in the jumping for food endeavor.

3 what?

Dogs don't make debate mistakes such as stating which 3 dog toys they would throw-away if forced then remembering only 2 toys by name (gear and ball).  Perhaps it was the Bill Cosby routine that stated it best.  If the dentist, to paraphrase the act, says oops, it's usually bad news.  Rick Perry performed a version of self-inflicted dental harm on himself through memory-lapse akin to forgetting how to breathe in Wednesday's Get of My Lawn You Ruffians debate.  So Rick, the President of the USA is a very important job.  Chances are there might be more than three things to remember at one time.  Does quitting now before it gets worse make sense?  Can't teach an old dog new tricks!

Wish bone

With Thanksgiving approaching like a desperate Perrier salesman needing a customer, the wish bone makes a seasonal appearance, like plastic pumpkin bags filed with leaves on a lawn nearby. To a dog the wish bone is a nightly move. They find the floor, roll over and hoist the hind legs in the air like the turkey part so famous they named a robust salad dressing line for it.  Its relaxation of the best kind, simple and puppy cute.

Post election

No TV newscaster dog has ever mispronounced election by inserting an "R" for the "L."  Did anyone make this mistake and win the Patti Burns Memorial Award during last night's coverage?  Perhaps YouTube will tell the story.

What bun?

Two dogs in the house capable of touching the counter top.  Three buns placed on the counter top.  One minute of not looking at three buns.  Two dogs, one culprit, no evidence, no tellers of tales.  Which dog ate the bun?  Two know but can't tell.

Mr. Rooney

"Dogs are nicer than people." Andy you are missed by dogs and people.

Bad dogma

Its a classic case or religious arrogance run amok in the people world.  Dogs don't have mega churches with rich senior pastors that are tempted to steal donations to line pockets of the founders.  See link below for the horrid details.

Bankrupt souls?

Roll back

Dogs would rather roll on the carpet than roll back the clock 1 hour.  They need people to adjust their watches, as they have no ability to change the big or little hand, due to the pesky opposable thumb issue.

Ad attack

If dogs ran for political office they would resort to attack ads in the campaign.  What would be a low-blow for a dog enemy?  "Buddy eats his own pooh and has a zero ranking in job creation."  "Rover's food is imported from China and his trade policies are anti-American."  "Sugar has missed every vote in the history of voting."  Yes, the statements are ridiculous and non-sensible, mirrors people, huh?

Gas pass

Dogs don't fart on airplanes.  People do.  Never in the history of the gas-blast is it as immediately as important as when on a plane to open the air-release valve above the seat full-force.  The car-fart courtesy window down is not an option on a flight.  After all, a plane is like releasing a fart in a Pringle's can and not expecting the chips to stink.  Aircraft are the ultimate in enclosed areas.  As passengers, keeping the gas in the tank benefits the long-range capabilities of the plane and it also benefits the air-quality in flight. 

Inappropriate behavior

Sexual inuendo for a dog is a little dry-hump of the brother dog.  The pups never have to explain-away an inappropriate behavior issues like presidential candidates caught in the 24-hour news cycle headlights.  For a dog its chalked up to instict.  That's the way they are supposed to act and its nothing.  For people, nothing could be father from the truth.

Ghost busters

Summer of 1984 moviegoers flocked to see Bill Murray delight the world in Ghostbusters. Dogs were spared the humorless 90 minutes. Movies and dogs are like hot dogs and peanut butter, incompatible. Will Ghostbusters reappear as a remake casting Andy Samberg in the lead? If they do, dogs won't know, that's why the win.

Happy Halloween

Trick or treat?

On time

No dog has ever been late to a meeting. Dogs have no schedule in their day. People are beholden to schedules and meetings. No one ever says, I missed having a great conference call yesterday, let's have more today. Kind of like saying please sneeze on my taco. Doesn't happen.

Fun size

No dog has ever wanted a Fun Size meal. At this time of year the world divides into two group, no, not dog owners versus non dog owners, but Big Bar homes against Fun Size places.  If dogs really trick-or-treated on their own they would attempt to distinguish Big Bar homes from Fun Size places and pick a Big Bar door to knock upon every time.  Calling a mini-version of a candy bar "fun" is like calling the portions at Notion filling.

Fish flying

Pushing the definition of carry-on luggage never occurs to a dog.  Did the writers of the banned items account for everything?  What if an aquarium, filled with fish, was the carry-on luggage?  Is there explicit policy, in writing, forbidding an aquarium?  Can it equate to a personal item that can fit under the seat in front or in an overhead compartment?

No buzzzzz

Dogs miss out on the joy of waking up too early so the alarm clock is not missed.

Middle row

Proof of further superiority of dogs over people, the concept of sitting in the middle row is never part of a dog's travel plans.  The middle row is the airplance equivilent of the front-row in a movie theater or the upper balcony at a Broadway show.  Same shared experience, totally different feel. 

Comb over

Ever think of your dogs as everyday professionals?  Yes, in this version of fantasy-world the dog is a working pup, just exactly do they do?  The dog that enjoys the day by licking his brother dog's ears and face is obviously the beautician.  This dog will spend more time on ears than an eyeglasses designer who has tired of monocles.

Plastic toy

Plastics bones could entertain people for a few seconds, maybe a minute, never a partial lifetime.  Dogs on the other hand are superior to people in their high-regard for gnawing at plastic toy bones for hour, upon day, upon week.  So people put down your keyboards, notebook computers, smart phones and remote controls and curl up with a plastic toy bone tonight by the fire.  Enjoy as your dog watches How I Met Your Mother or Monday Night Football, the later,  merely due to the betting line intrigue.

Bachman underdrive

Taking Care of Business from Bachman-Turner Overdrive's BTO II album, yes vinyl, circa 1970 is one of those songs that gets played forever, like Happy Birthday for rockers.  Dogs recognize a few chords from the Canadian band but the pups had a tough time using 8-track tapes in the fabled 70's due to the opposable-thumb design flaw issue recounted herein prior.  There is a new Bachmann in our midst singing a different tune under the name of Michele.  Of things that dogs can't do, that she could do, one that is of curiosity for the super-fun-value of gaining untold joy is seeing a dog, and Michele as-well, attempt to read a birthday card (presumptively for Randy Bachman or Fred Turner of BTO - simply to connect the thoughts full circle).  The inflection demonstrated in her speech pattern at debates is reminiscent of the vocal cadence of a volatile neighbor scolding a 10-year-old for raking leaves into their yard by the gallon.  Her ire is a brutal combination of vocal characteristics found in people who have just been cut upon in line while listening to a incoherent Coldplay song on their iPod, or just someone who is tiring of vaginal dryness, take your pick.  Applying that vocal synchronicity to a card reading - "don't count the years, count the blessings," could be humorous.  It would be better than hearing her talk of a double-wide wall to keep illegals out of her country as if she is to be believed (and she's running for President believe it or not) immigration policy, not the top 1%, is ruining this land and the Get Off My Lawn Republicans are surely Taking Care of Business.  (Circle complete).

Dog Vs Cushion

Once a perfect shape, the 100+ pound Golden Retriever decided to make the top of the couch cushion his personal comfort zone.  Like an episode where food beats man, the couch lost and was replaced due to the dog.

Hunting vehicle

Using a bicycle to go hunting for any game is nothing a dog would consider.  It's like making Starbucks in a peculator, illogical.  Yes, there is one man, seen today, that takes eco-friendly hunting one step beyond rationale and bikes to the hunt.  This is the point where the machismo of a hunter converges with the free-wheeling cyclist and the result is strange, like a concept car from Jeep.

Light stop

Were dogs divinely given the ability to drive cars they would learn the correct way to pull up to a red light and stop.  People take circuitous paths to this destination.  Some, those who do it correctly, are in touch with the length of their vehicle and simply pull up to the exact spot that is to quote the porridge temperature from Goldilocks and the Three Bears "just right."  Others get in the accepted percentile for not getting it right but they are in the church, just a few pews off from exact.  Then there is the person driving the Tuscon that did the all-time worst approach to being the first vehicle in the left turn lane in the long history of driving.  They stopped three car lengths shy of nailing the line and over a full minute of time-lapse photography,  pulled up two feet at a time, many times, until they reached the goal line.  That is not how they draw it up in driver's training school.

23 days

Minor television history will be made in 23 days when Regis calls it a morning and departs his signature show.  Clocks may stop for the occasion, but dogs won't shed a tear. There are no dog talk shows (see the joke coming like the stereotypical image formed at the thought of a person named Bernice Champagne) but there are talk shows that are dogs.  The 9 a.m. hour may never be the same, savor every minute before the grand finale.  Talent like Regis comes around once in a lifetime.  However, remember that just as Dick Clark beget Ryan Seacrest so too will Regis perpetuate onward in television eternity, just whom grasps the throne remains to be resolved at this point it's a toss up between Ty Burrell and Anderson Cooper.

First day

Dogs don't have memories of the first day of work, unless they are trained service dogs.  People must deal with an initial day of work.  Remember that day?  Anxiety higher than the feel of Charlie Sheen at winning peak.  It caused moments of worry akin to the country's feeling about a Cain, Paul or Perry presidency.  But day two comes and then three and four then it's 20 years later and you remember a bubble bath with soap on a rope to connect back to job-less childhood, all of which are missed by dogs.

Rake not

Yet another reason dogs have it over people: No leaf raking.

JC PayMe

No dog will ever clip a coupon to save 15 cents or $10.  They are not good with scissors and complain like Ron Paul begging to be heard at a debate that its a design flaw over the opposable thumb.  Coupons have value.  There are shows demonstrating this where people buy $390 worth of pasta and toothpaste for 67 cents.  That's taking advantage of a situation, but the practical implications are far-fetched as pasta with toothpaste consumption taste good for just one minute, if that.  Case study of JC Penney weekend spend $25 get $10 off no exceptions is a game worth playing.  So for $105 the following purchases were made:  3 pairs of Dockers; 4 St John's Bay long-sleeve polo-type shirts; 2 packs of women's socks 4 per pack.  Trick was to make 5 separate purchases and after the first two realize that using the coupon over-and-over again was like feeding dogs treats, they will take them non-stop without discretion.  For one day, since it would have been $50 more without the coupon strategy, it was re-named JC PayMe.

October Christmas

Rushing Christmas for retail profit is a people-concept, nothing a dog would dream of - ever.  Yes, so the local mall has partially decorated one area for Christmas in mid-October.  They will start selling Fourth of July firecrackers the day after Easter.  Dogs only rush the wait for mealtime.  They would never rush Christmas and actually are purely focused on Halloween right now.  Seeing Christmas decor (candy canes, snowflakes and snowmen) in the mall in October is like being an advocate for circumcision at a foreskin convention.

Purchase what

Lives of dogs are purchase-order free.  Business lives are purchase-order filled.  Score another check in the win column for the puppy boys.  Saying PO to your dog is about as logical as the Cain 9-9-9 plan.  Remember, Herman is substantively just John without the Mc - both are "get off my lawn" Republicans.  It could offer the opportunity to recycle signs from 2008 if he could find a running mate named Alin and a few large tip Sharpie pens.

Tim out

Since they don't watch baseball dogs have one over people. They are immune from hearing Tim McCarver saying "Ranger's manager Ron Washington is from New Orleans, the Big Easy, and there's nothing easy at this level."  It's kind of like bad poetry and he states these ideas abruptly, without set-up, or further explanation.

Property search

Another reason dogs have it better than people is a life free of property searches.

No numbers

Dogs have it over people because they never have to order food by the number.

No sticks

Opposable thumb issue #49, dogs can't shake a stick at anything as they don't have opposable thumbs. When they hear commentary like "there we so many mice in there you couldn't shake a stick at them" they wonder why anyone would want to shake a stick in the first place, the someone invents mice hockey and the world brightens.

Fall fun

Sweltering dog days of summer have given way to warm ostrich days of autumn.

Off day

One could not tell if the dogs took yesterday off or mailed it in a half-speed.

Loud roar

No the Republican debates are not in Michigan. That loud roar is not Rick Perry trying to belch "see the USA in my Chevrolet" with union workers.   Instead, the Detroit Lions are 4-0, meaningless to a dog, just like the best song belch doesn't determine the presidency, although maybe it could be a debate tie-breaker.

No post

There is no post-season for dogs. Every dog day is simply a day to be a dog. Baseball has a post-season. Dogs lift a leg salute to a post. One marks the crowning of a champion.  The other mimics a three-year old saying it's favorite word - "mine."

Finny's song

To no particular tune:

Finny, Finny, Finny is my little white dog.
He lives with us and we bought him fair and square from a man with red pants.


After modeling the squirrel costume, Finnegan took out his spite, as some dogs do, by leaving a small pile of Winnie the Pooh on the floor, by the TV.  Only 26 days until Halloween.  No acorns were harmed in this photo session.

Dogs enjoy costumes a lot less than people.  Its a polar-opposite situation.  Dogs go around unclothed, people dress.  Costumes are the reverse for dogs and a suspension of clothed reality for people.

Pierce it

Another in a limitless series of items that are people-driven products and have no uses to dogs:  #41 - Earrings!  Hoops and posts are equally meaningless to the pups.

String fun

First there was silly, then it met string, add a can and nozzle and let joy commence: Silly String. The product that's fun to use and miserable to clean-up. Dogs can't play with Silly String - no opposable thumbs, but they can find hours of enjoyment ripping a cord into string, then strands, then saliva on threads.  Yum.

No expressions

It goes with saying that the expression it goes without saying must be said in order to be expressed. Dogs just bark. They don't believe in the preface. A dog will never utter something obvious and tag on, it goes without saying. Actually it doesn't.

Line loud

Dogs know not to speak loudly while in line at Wendy's. Same can't be said of people, inside calm voices while standing 17 inches away from hungry masses wanting a#5.

The flick

People fluff the pillow.  Dogs flick the seat as if it was an itch that can't be satisfied.  No truer example of this is the habit the little dog exhibits before suspending his day-long nap on the floor and moving the nap to the chair.  Firm flicking does not begin to desribe the front paw movements.  Snowblowers at three-quarters speed (not quite rabbit) have turned at a more decelerated pace than this rapid-fire scratching.  The purpose is comfort, but why flicking makes the soft-chair comfortable will forever remain a mystery until dogs talk.  It's fun to watch and amusing in the meantime.

One in a series

Items dogs find no use for #607: Clorox.

Watch what?

If the dog had the remote control for the evening what would they watch? 

Chevy Nova

Good car, the Nova.  Basic Chevrolet product, did the job, could hold a dog or more comfortably, no questions asked.  Terra Nova, current TV show, proves to be unworthy of the hype.  Watched for 106 seconds this series has more induced drama than a labor-clinic on time-warp setting.  Dogs know that anytime you hear the dialogue "What took you so long" the hero has just escaped death and was rescued by a technologically superior vehicle driver doing their job.

End times

When the rapture comes dogs won't have spent any time fearing or hoping they do or don't experience it at Chick-fil-A enjoying the tangy BBQ sauce on chicken nuggets.  Funny thing is, were the rapture to happen at lunchtime, many people will converse in the afterlife of their shared experience of watching it transpire at the Filet-A, which does not allow dogs.

Song in head

It never is to be known if dogs get a song stuck in their head like people do.  The pup on the floor could have Gator Country in his head for the past two years!

Rain date

Dogs don't have to cancel plans when it rains.

No passwords

Dogs don't have to remember a single password.

Busy signal

Dogs don't know the concept of the busy signal on the phone. They either never call or always get through.

Paving woes

Flag crews on the road don't affect dogs when they slow down traffic to clip trees and pave roads.

Water cooler talk

Dogs are not talking around the office water cooler this morning about Two-and-a-Half Men's re-debut last night.  To say it was half interesting is a statement of the obvious.  To call it good is exaggeration, like saying the acting in Shark Death Scare was compelling.  So at 9 p.m. on a Monday we were subjected to comic genius of sex jokes, only without Charlie Sheen.  The dogs had more fun not knowing it was happening.

Common sense

It's just common sense which makes it so difficult. Dogs simplify. People spin it. Taxes, like death, are unavoidable, except for dogs. When the millionaires are taxed it's portrayed a class warfare by the idiots on the right and believers in most-things Palin. How can the mirror not crack? How much Kool-Aid is in the punch bowl? Are the meds trailing off?  From the people who brought you the Iraq war now claims that taxing millionaires is a bad idea and will hurt the economy. Ha! Same thought process declares that the sky falling causes no harm, yet the landing is a bitch (not the female dog).

Point spread

Today's point spread on the game is as meaningful to the dog as a spoiler alert in a Yahoo tease.

No balloons

Balloons are not favored by dogs as frivolous toys on a string.

Crowd participation

Dogs don't feel obligated to join in with concert crowd participation egged on by the performers. They miss out on fist pumps and chants plus hand-clapping in staccato style.

Itch spot

People would benefit from a spot on the belly that when scratch makes the leg shake in an uncontrolled manner, just like dogs.

Golf not

Dogs don't spend a cent of money or second of time trying to improve their golf game.

Bad seat

Dogs never buy a ticket to the football game only to arrive and find one row directly in front is the overzealous fan with a hard hat topped with a beacon light and shoulder pads with replicas of the mascot on both sides ostensibly blocking the view.

Revenge show

Since they don't watch football on ABC, dogs are not ready to cry uncle over seeing endless amounts of promotional spots for the Revenge series every seven minutes. The show has the low-road premise of a young woman on Long Island killing people to get revenge for her father's death. Certainly nothing a dog would sign up to watch and a booming example of what is bad about TV, building a show around a vengeful murderer? Prediction is it will air three times and deserve it's canceled fate.

9-11

A tribute to all of us touched by the events of 10 years ago, including dogs who never saw their owners again after what started as a normal day.

Conference this

It may have been mentioned before, but dogs win over people as they never deal with triple-header conference calls on a Friday.

Flash yawn

Dogs leave the flash mob up to people to perpetuate. No dog choreography will come to a plaza nearby.

Gas it

Dogs can ride it out with gas without medication or medical assistance.  People crave Gas-X among others.

Fall TV

Two and a Half Men doesn't interest dogs.  Change the title to two and a half cup-fulls in the bowl, interest grows high and quickly.  The revamped show is likely to be a hit, but pathetically points out the obvious - TV as a hole isn't that well done.  This is not to long for Happy Days or The Brady Bunch, as sitcoms come and go like a train in Chicago and there is little difference in those that stay (Men) and others that go (Yes Dear).

Gold fish

Number 871 in the ever-standing opposable-thumb issue for dogs.  They can't obtain gold fish for customers at Wal-Mart.  Can't hold the net.

Great balance

Dogs don't need well-marketed metal power bracelets to retain their balance. They can ignore the aggressive mall kiosk trying to lure $40 out of the pocket for .40 cents of metal and $4 of hokey gimmicks.

Tic Tac Dog

It happens on it's own accord and like the taste of Scotch can't be forced, three dogs laying either across, up and down, or diagonal in a row equals Tic Tac Dog.

Last book

The Bible is a great book for obvious reasons. Dogs benefit here in unique ways as they don't have to try and understand the concluding chapter, Revelations. If symbolism had a mascot it would dress as Revelations. The depth of imagery puts a Michael Chabon setting description to shame. Water is crystal clear but the best selling book in history ends with a head shaker, kind of like a wet dog drying off, effective yet with some cost.

Sign holders

No dog will ever stand at the intersection holding a going out of business sale sign. Sure they are limited as sign holders due to their lack of the opposable thumb, but they have avoided this occupation to date. Why stores can't go out of business without this signage is perplexing, like the mysterious lure of a Thomas-Kincaid painting. Give these guys a wave next time as you wonder, what do they do if nature calls? Probably take care of business like a dog would.

Crotch rocket

Driving down the highway at acceptable speed, the fleet Ninja bike makes the car seem like a worm crawl.  Dogs don't buy Ninja bikes to put the fear of roadway death into their parents.  There are things bought to go fast, Corvettes for example, and then there are Ninja motorcycles, designed to go too fast and ridden by those who still have the indestructible label affixed firmly.   Dogs can run away fast, but they would look silly on any bike.  They also couldn't use the brakes due to that opposable thumb issue of design.

Swing whack

Dogs never get the life lesson of the swing whack.  This is a painful (slight) childhood memory.  The whack is a valid lesson-learned as after feeling it, no one wants to do it again.  A dog could run around a set of swings for 9-million years and never get hit.  Put a toddler in the same area code of a swing set and they will get whacked 87.43% of the time.  It's a simple problem, the lines of spatial dimensions remain undeveloped in the toddler (only coming to light at age 4 in most) and therefore they are exposed to the desire to run near the swing-arch and are prone to getting whacked by those on the swing.  Like lather, rinse repeat, stay away from the swings is a simple request and if-followed, cure.  It's all part of the process.  First, stand away from swings.  Second, don't jump off the high part of the teeter-totter.  Picture a dog on a teeter-totter.  Smile.

No junk

Dogs don't fill kitchen drawers with junk.  They don't have an accumulation of batteries, cords, tools, gold-fish food, pens, scissors and 500 other things just taking up space in the drawer plus the ever-present 2.67 ounces of Elmer's Glue.  The amazing thing about junk drawers is a day or two after cleaning a junk drawer a key item will be needed but not able to be located.   The same edict holds true for tossing out junk from the garage, basement or work bench.  Dogs get through life without these issues.

Line sanity

Lines at the bread place are not insane to dogs.  If your place in life is the insane-mom of the 7 year old bathroom-first, order-next needing guest, life is filled with at least one burgeoning overstatement, designed to inflict disdain and guilt on son.  After his bathroom break, and certainly entirely his fault,  the line grew from none to few. This hazardous condition, as if a line to view the body of a head of state had formed instantly in-place of soup and sandwich orderers, was labeled 'insane" by the impatient mom and non-nominee for parent of any week, year or decade.  So, the insane wait was timed, another thing no dog would do.  In this algebra insane wait (IW) equals 120 seconds or (IW = T/2) when T=240.

Say Norfolk

Dogs are better than people because they never can mispronounce Norfolk, as in Virginia. No other city has a greater risk for flubs by TV talking heads. In hurricane season Norfolk goes from oblivion to the best-sellers list. Is it NOR-folk, No-folk, Nah-fock or the Patti Burns memorial "erection night" award for journalistic mistakes, NO-F*K.

Best/worst

Being a dog is not a job, but if it were it would be the best job on the planet.  On site hurricane reporter this weekend is worst job on the same planet. Is that level of detail really necessary? It just makes sense that it is windy and raining in the midst of the storm.  Showing it proves the obvious, like Germans and beer.  What do these reporters do the rest of the year?  Dry off!

Dog advantage

No acne. Ever.

Up there

No dogs are ever put in the position to find the pup behind them in line inquisitive as to the hair on their head being a toupee. People can't say the same thing.

Primary book

If dogs learned as people did they would read Fun with Buddy and Lady and their person-pet Jacob.

Floor it

It's home, it's carpet, it's tile it's a dog's best friend, the floor. Take it for granted but look around, the dog is on the floor or was on the floor very recently.

Post 201

Yes there have been 200 prior comments about dogs and their general superiority compared to people in handling the ordinary.  It's been mentioned before, but dogs don't realize milestones exist.  They are not looking at clocks, calendars and meeting schedules every minute of every day.  They remain on permanent vacation, which is why they win.  The last need they had was for a hug, that's nice.

Kingpin Perry

Texas governor Rick (don't call me Dick or Ricky) Perry as a dog would be a breed that is stereotypically annoying, loud and obnoxious. That spells small dog and Jack Rat terrier, but in the looks department Perry is more the boxer type.  He therefore is a fancy mixed-breed puppy, the Bull-Rat.

As dogs

If certain candidates were dogs, Mitt Romney would be a Doberman, a dog you respect from afar, but are afraid to get close to due to safety. 

Pre-season

NFL pre-season football does not exist in the dog world.  If there is a more brutal form of professional sports than the 4th quarter of a exhibition game a dog remains immune from this torture.

Know better

As simple as it seems, unfortunately dogs are no better than idiot Republican presidential candidates as neither can tell the difference between celebrating a birthday and remembering a date of celebrity death. Dogs can't communicate complex thoughts, which is similar to a pattern exemplified by the same Republican candidates.

Full moon

Dogs pay no mind to the full moon, they are not werewolves (of London) after all. The moon may effect their behavior but maybe it's just the ghosts in orbs annoying the pets.

Health care

Dogs never have to schedule a urine test to determine the absence of nicotine in the system to get a discount on an insurance premium.

Work week

Dogs never experience the feeling of wanting to stay in bed with a tummy ache, like in first grade, when Monday after vacation arrives on the calendar.

Dog comedy

Pooh jokes or jokes about dumb things owners do are likely material for aspiring dog comics.

Chinese crested

Ironic that these ugly dog contestants don't appear to have self-esteem issues. They have never devoted an hour of Oprah to the topic.

Packing light

If dogs went on vacation they could pack very light.

Dog thoughts

When they are watching the poop being scooped what are the dogs thinking?  Hey, we put that there for a reason, leave that alone, don't touch that stuff, or that was supposed to be a snack later.  Really.

Number 10

Top ten things about owning a dog #10

They like licking your feet for fun!

Premise/practice

When the shirt on the person proclaims "Sarcasm: It's better than killing" its humorous and a reminder that thankfully the dog doesn't understand the premise or the practice.

Bounce around

Small dogs do the bounce around move. They move their body in a controlled frenzy bounding about, usually in play with an agreeable, submission-position larger pup. The bound around is the physical move and it is often accompanied by huffing and puffing bordering on a growl. This fight is a playful version of slight-of-build Rey Mysterio in a classic match with extra-large Hulk Hogan. Circular motions made by the little dog could form corn-stalk rings as they are quick and precise. The endeavor continues much like congressional debate until the fun becomes a fight.  Intervention stops the move and the bound around, like a midway ride, comes to a halt.

Loyalty first

No Judas in the dog world.  No betrayal concept in the pups brain, another key point separating canines in a positive light from people.

Bad words

One of the zillion reasons dogs are better than people is they do not swear, ever. Getting through a day without cursing is par on the dog course of life.

What if

If the song was about letting the cats or sheep out it never would have been a sensation.

Passing lane

Dogs don't know of the delight or disdain of the passing lane (not a leisure lane) on the highway.  They will ride along but they don't know that you have to go fast in the passing lane as the other lane is called the slow lane for a reason.

Economic concerns

They can't factor it in to their daily discourse, but the only fear a dog could have over economic downturn is the inability of food to get to the bowl or water to the dish.  Any dog-owner pretending to have a better grasp on national and global economic issues should consult the pup.  If you can afford to eat, you are fine.

No skip

Dogs are better than humans because they are not required to skip as an elementary-school exercise.

Showing age

There is something special about the shaded mask of grey age brings to a golden retriever's face. It tells a tale of dignity as those later years are enjoyed.

July ends

The dog days of summer soon will fade into the countdown to Labor Day. The dog will soon have every weekend filled with "cram into summer" before it's gone activities.

Chasing tail

Fun for no reason is the definition of chasing the dog tail. Is there a simpler way to have fun as a dog? Yes.

New product

Under Armour for dogs could be called Underdogmour!

One thing

One thing a dog can forever do without: Lanyards. If the dog has a ticket they will put it in their pocket not drape it around their neck in plastic.

If dogs...

If dogs worked on the railroad all the live long day they would have very different way to pass the time away other than laying down and waiting for a meal. They would also live at the Shady Rest at the junction, Petticoat Junction.  Favorite part of Petticoat Junction - references to Hooterville!  Green Acres is the place to be!

Pier review

One thing dogs missed is the story of Larry King. They wouldn't know that Larry was the voice of midnight talk radio when it was a form of legitimate entertainment, not the diatribe rhetoric of today's conservative block heads.   King as an interviewer, was solid, yes, not as good as the current leader at the clubhouse turn (John Stewart) but close.   So the dogs don't know Larry goes onto a million shows on CNN then hangs it up like a retiring school teacher, smiling on the way out, loved the kids but glad to go. Now Piers Morgan is in the King seat and it is unknown to a pup but it just isn't the same. It's like a dead patch in a nice lawn, odd and out of place, 9 p.m. CNN = Larry time, no more.  The dog just gets his nightly drink at this time and curls up with a good spot on the couch.

Kayak desires

That dog on the floor has no aspirations of kayaking.  People are flocking to these plastic vessels like they are moon rocks circa 1969.  A kayak for dogs would be an engineering feat.  It would have four slots in the cockpit for dog feet and paws would extend through water-tight openings allowing paddling to happen doggie-style.

Life as a dog featurette #6

Life as a dog means you can sleep 22 hours a day. A person is happy with 8, almost 2/3 less sleep.  How much stress the dog endures in the 2 hours of awake is another point, not much.  It's the same level of stress a Bill Gates has when his electric bill arrives, none.

No power

Power outages are strange territory for dogs.  Routine is important.  To vary on routine is disruptive.  Like people who flick a light switch expecting illumination and getting none, dogs expect the power to work.   The dogs will miss the AC more than breakfast in a few hours.

Hot spell

The dog is hotter than anyone right now. They can't wear flip flops to keep their paws cool. These are, after all, the dog days of summer. Is there an alternate universe where the expression for a cold 24-hour period is a person day of winter?

Shirt policy

There are no arguments from dogs over the lack of a shirt policy for men in summertime.  Dogs don't have the ability to communicate their opinions on the subject.  If the canine club could institute public policy it would be interesting, not top of the Google search interesting, but good Gilbert Gottfried joke interesting.  The policy would state that men must wear shirts unless swimming, boating or working out doors.  Any and all other instances are simply not acceptable.

Scratch tickets

Question to the above answer:  Name a lottery-based, people obsession that a dog can't partake in due to the opposable-thumb issue of physical design.

Can't canoe

It could be #291 in the never-ending discussion on the opposable-thumb issue for dogs, but this classic case proves that dogs can canoe, but most can't canoe.  Can-U?  It's kind of like watching someone dump bubble bath into a washing machine when seeing two people, two dogs (on leashes) and one rented canoe at the launch spot, something is about to boil over, just when and where are the questions.  The presumed, up-front, educational briefing provided to the dogs was as memorable as a contestant who is not your relative on the 101 Ways to Leave a Game Show program (soon on You-Tube after a 90-second run on ABC).  Most dogs want no part of spending time in a metal container and floating on water.  Some do, yes, some does not equal all.  There is a reason that there is a take your kids to work day, it has value.  There is similar reason in reviewing the absence of a take your dog(s) canoeing day.  Enjoy the float, keep Skippy at home, they would rather rest than ride.

Dog soccer

Those who succeed at herding cats advance to organize dogs to play competitive soccer.

Ceiling floor

Debts ceiling talk is as important to a dog as their registration for an oil painting class. Dogs like the floor and expect the ceiling to stay, like a dog listening to a command.

Soup ease

No dog arguments have ever begun over the amount of soup in their bowls.

Different Harry

The dog on the floor could not care less about the Harry Potter series coming to its rightful ending.  Dogs watch knock-off Hairy Potter on CTVN, Canine Television Network, channel 4006 a click above Tea TV, all tea all the time, even during coffee breaks.  Ever notice there are no nerd dogs, just nerds who have dogs?

Sock-tastic

It's pretty clear dogs don't need socks, unless they work in a nuclear reactor plant and in those cases they wear those cute, baby-blue, moon-like astronaut booties.  Unfortunately this sock-less life suppresses the glee a dog could feel wearing a quad-pack of Under Armour socks.  It's more than marketing, its a lottery win for the feet to treat them with UA products.  Sorry dogs.

Phone gnome

If there was a character named the phone gnome dogs wouldn't care, kids may rejoice, especially if Sir Elton sang about it.  "Hold me closer (to the phone) tiny (gnome)."  Dogs don't like the phone.  Hold it up to their ears and they looked perplexed or annoyed, like the inner-brain frustration when the line not-chosen moves much, much faster.  People generally know how to use the phone.  Just to be clear, each cell phone has the ability to transfer the voice, when spoke at a normal volume, to the other side.  Yelling or talking loud is not necessary, the tin can and string era went the way of Wham-O products and Wham!

Sun blocked

Today's simple advantage to being a dog rather than human: No chance of sunburn.

Home plate

Every meal is in a bowl, never on a plate, and the dog is thrilled. Silverware? Ha!

100 Percent?

The nation's unemployment rate for dogs remains at near 99% - save for the service dogs, police dogs and guard dogs.  It makes the unfortunate 9%-plus unemployment rate look small by comparison.  Dogs also have great retirement plans and don't have to contribute to a 401k. Ask a dog to punch a time clock and you run face-first into an opposable thumb issue.

Shuttle finale

There is no dog knowledge of the space shuttle. A pup can't miss what they do not know. Doggies don't begrudge the emotions attached to the final liftoff, they are genuine. Unlike people, they just don't know enough to care. There is beauty in that innocence, often under-appreciated. If the shuttles were made of dog treats a line would form quickly, like a bug on a windshield without the blur.

All-Stars

The All-Star Game will bring baseball's brightest together in Phoenix next week.  Dogs will not know this is happening.  They don't pick an all-star team.  Imagine the Poodle getting to bat lead-off, the Finish Spitz batting second and playing shortstop, or the Great Pyrenees hitting clean-up.  It could be a wonderful thing, but chaos would ensue in a frenzy.  Especially when the ball is dropped and the dogs chase it.

Demo derby

No dogs were seen at the demolition derby in the rural part of farmland America. Yes, rural-cubed (to the third power) is where the derby gets demolished. A dog knows they wouldn't win this real-car version of the bumper-car ride.  Instead, dogs sit in the driveway while their owners paint-up old sedans and intentionally mash them into each other until one car still moves. Darwin's waiting room has a spot for the demo derby. To locate the demo derby just head to the intersection of redneck and inbreed and go seventeen more miles just past teen-mom and toward the place where the girls wear "take it in the rear" T-shirts (the reference is for the demo technique of ramming the trunk) and you have arrived.  For special occasion dinners the families around here head to Steak-n-Shake.  It is a place where you are a certified old-maid if you are 16 and have not reproduced, but its a fun place to watch the derby and wish you were a barn dog watching butter churned as Levi farms.  No photos please.

Drop kick

Similar topic, different reaction. Kick a ball, fun. Kick in the balls, pain - but only for people, not dogs. Another example in the series where circumstantially it's better to be the dog. Also dogs don't laugh if a fellow pup gets kicked there. People laugh. It's funny, not Soupy Sales humor, but the classic burst of laughter reaction, kind of like jumping when scared or flinching at a popped balloon. For a dictionary definition of the phrase kicked in the balls please see the prosecutors of Casey Anthony.

Poetic politics

Politics is not a dog sport. They would rather chew a toy bone than argue on how society is boned by the public distrust. A dog would never sit down and write an ode to Tim Pawlenty.

Dear Tim
Bring it in
Stop pretending
You can win

Dear former Governor
You're no Eleanor
What do you stand for
Walk out the door

Hey everyone else running
Your disgust in stunning
The time and money your spending
Could do a lot of mending

And then the dog rolled over and sighed.

Algebra today:

TPD + 7.5.90 = 21

July 4th

Last in a series:

Yankee-doggie went to town
Riding not a pony
Stuck a feather in his fur
Called it a bur

Happy Birthday America!  You don't look a day over 234!

Patriotdogism #2

Second in a never-to-be-repeated series on the holiday weekend

Oh beautiful the food's in the bowl
For grain (yeah) - keep the amber waves
For dog-dreams of mountain-hiking majesty
And enjoying fruit on a plane (?)
America! America!
Dogs shed thy waste openly
And crown the dish with a holiday wish
Explain fireworks' charm to us!

Patriotdogism #1

A holiday tribute to dogged-up versions of Patriotic classics in rhyming form poetry:

My country tis of dog
Sweet land of Snausages
Of thee we bark
Land of their father's stud
Land of grass and mud
From every dog collar
Let freedom holler!

Whitney will

Remember Emeril did a sitcom years ago.  No one remembers the show existed.  It lasted half as long as Weiner-gate.  Dogs don't watch sitcoms.  They hear the word sit and place butt on floor.  They are not hedging their bets that NBC's over-hyped fall entrant, Whitney, will succeed.  Is it simply a coincidence that the one-word, named-for-star sitcom referenced as a factual failure could foreshadow the destiny of the equally one-named for lead-character sitcom?  A head scratcher to be answered come fall.

Greener grass

The only greener grass known to dogs is the kind for running, relaxing and restrooming.  Dogs never attend farewell parties for co-workers who leave to seek greener pastures.  It's one of many circumstances confronted by the human-life and absolutely (and cranberry) no part of the doggie-style-life.  Dogs always assume they will see you again and at the same time love their current circumstance and wouldn't jump ship.

Camera shy

The face in the crowd with the cell phone to his ear, and illogically wearing camouflage, striving for attention at the game is obviously not a dog. Puppies don't posses the vain desire to be seen on TV. They also can't wave and hold cell phones do to the formidable opposable-thumb design flaw. The plain truth is that it used to be fine to write a letter and mail it to your uncle in Florida telling him you enjoyed the tickets he sent. Now the world has birthed idiots (or Palin's) craving attention from the teet of America so strongly that they must be seen waving to Uncle Wilbur from behind home plate while they speak to him in Sarasota. They, instead, should be showered with dog pooh and placed on YouTube.

Confused again

The antithesis of a calm laying puppy dog is the chaos of the Genesis puppets in the Land of Confusion music video, circa late-1980's. This spirit of confusion remains in play at a dog-free part of the world called the mall food court. This is where you hear the outline of confusion while the regular deluxe gets grilled. Dialogue like "He's not here?" "No." "So he left?" "Yes, 15 minutes ago." "He's supposed to be here." "Hmmmmm." Dogs don't lend to confusion. They can be tricked (fake ball toss) but they don't confuse each other by doing a work-around.  They are what they are and that is that.

In song

Take your dog to the ballgame
Take your dog with the crowd
Buy them some Purina and crackers, Jack
They won't know if they ever get back
Root, root, root for the home team
If they don't win it's its a shame
For its 1, 2, 3 strikes your out
and your dog went to the ballgame!

Don't Tee-It

Never an advice forum, strictly and observational platform, here it can be stated that dogs are not fashion-forward or backward.  Take the guy at the game the other day.  Raw stats, 300+ pounds, 6-foot tall, 3-foot wide, outfitted in shorts and the most-expandable wife-beater tank-top ever made.  A dog may be overweight but they carry it well.  They don't need the 37 spools of material ordered to outfit the entire USA soccer team in white uniforms to cover the basketball under digestion inside this person.  This guy was so puffed-up you'd think he swallowed a jockey or perhaps Fred Patek (a former baseball player at 5-foot 4-inches) to accentuate the baseball theme.  As Richard Simmons should state:  "Mirrors, people, mirrors!"

What rain?

Being a dog means a slicker-free life even in a hard rain. Fur the ultimate odor-maker, just add water.  The smell of a wet dog is like smelling gentle fertilizer melded into a fur-blend.  Special.

Animated overkill

Back in the days when Lorne Greene pitched Alpo on black and white TV, it was also a treat to see an animated family movie. This was the era of Snow White and Jungle Book. Today there is a new animated kid-aimed-movie released every 19 minutes. Yes, in the time it takes a dog to microwave popcorn for the kennel, new characters like Zackers and Twisty come to life. But with every advancement in animation, quality suffers publicly, like a fallen politician's wife.  Except for the occasional brilliance of an "Up" its better to stay in the doghouse and avoid the film-house when it comes to the average animated non-classic.

Pop this

Dogs can be forgiven for thinking Jim Carey is funny. People can no longer consider this man a comic. His latest movie Mr Popper's Penguins is as entertaining as watching foil unfurl from the roll.  The plot of Hickory Dickory Dock is has more depth of character.  Sitting through 90-minutes of a gargling lawyer reading contest disclaimers would be more entertaining than a minute of Carey.  If he has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame it should be rescinded or transformed into a target for dog relief.

Opposable thumb issue #1971

Dogs can't self-implode with stupid, offensive and unnecessary Twitter comments due to the lack of an opposable thumb.  The families of celebrities, athletes, Roger Ebert and Anthony Weiner are wishing their Twits weren't Tweeters and instead were thumb-less dog-like.

Fry dip

Being a dog means never to have the problem of eating french fries in the car and attempting to open an old-fashioned (vault-sealed) Heinz Ketchup packet.

In woods

If a dog falls into a tree in the woods does it hurt the tree?

No Newt

The more Newt speaks in his spending-spree to lose the Presidency (but get a job on Fox News) the more one wishes they could huddle down like a hound dog and put paws over ears.  The key thing to realize is like a dog ignoring instructions, listen to Newt and believe the exact opposite and you will be fine.  He is a toad.

Hat off

Being a dog means never wearing a cowboy hat unless it's Halloween and your costumes includes it. The same thing that's right with the cowboy hat is also what is wrong with a cowboy hat. Dogs just don't have a calling to celebrate the spirit of the west.

Le Dog

LeBron James means nothing to your dog. The star of the non-champion Miami Heat struggled like a dog stuck in fishing line in this year's NBA Finals. His successes and failures resonate strongly as a new language to the pups. Donde es la biblioteca? Right behind the town library sign.

No rivalries

Rivalries are popular among people.  Nothing like two teams, one yours, who just don't like each other.  Dogs no of no rivals.  They may not like other dogs, but in a minute they can change their doggie-minds and want to play.  Just one more example of the subtle differences between dogs and people that slant the see-saw toward the puppies.

Hugh no

If Hugh Hefner were a dog he would be four times older than America in dog years. Unlike the common dog, Hugh is sad now as his wedding is off. Dogs don't face the problems of old-man, young bride. If Hugh were a dog he would probably be a Pointer. His woman is dog gone.

No look

Dogs are better than people as they don't have to worry about looking for the Bimbo Bread bear. He was last seen taking a damaging farm machine onto Wonder Bread property. A bear can only bounce on fluffy white bread slices so long until they go all commando on the competition.

Task it

Among thankless household tasks that dogs could perform to save humans from additional work is the removal of utensils stuck in the well of a dishwasher.  The paw is no better designed then the hand for this pain in the task.

Bet placed

There are bets on dogs and horses but both dogs and horses place no bets. The concept of the wager doesn't exist in a dog world. Odds and payouts don't matter to the pooch. A $51 long-shot in the Belmont is nice, but the dog just wants some food, a gentle rub and they keys to the car at age-16.

Bus hound

Ironic that the iconic bus company is named for a dog breed yet dogs get a free-pass from ever stooping to the point of being a Greyhound customer.

Honor service

Unless dogs start dining at Ohio Turnpike food courts they will be able to take the high-road on customer service. A dog behaving correctly is positive customer service.  Over-the-top service is the expected norm at many fine-dining establishments.  Dining at Hardees on the pike, a customer simply wants the ordered combo-meal served fast with accuracy. At this food court you take a number, place it on your table, the food is delivered on a red tray.  When the customer at the next table got his food and he requested, but didn't get,  hot sauce the Hardees employee who delivered the tray said: "I would be honored to get it (hot sauce not the Coke formula or cure for the common cold) for you."  The over-stated use of "honor" is either the best sarcasm tendered by a person making a dull-job zippy or the peak of exaggeration, like any Republican policy statement.  It was thrilling to witness it, hyperbole intended.

Hot stop

The heat causes people to garden and golf while dogs are intelligent enough to find the A/C and slow down. 

Ground level

Being a dog means a life free of slow-closing hotel elevators. To the designers of these systems, the door should shut quickly, like Kevin James in the Zookeeper, the career of Foster the People or the avocado promotion at Subway.

NOTES: Kevin James should remain ashamed of Mall Cop never again. Pumped Up Kicks is a catchy tune but the tone defies the lyrics in which a kids pops his father with a gun found in the closet, chalk Foster up as a semi-hit wonder. Anyone ever say the only thing missing from the 12,349 sandwiches previously consumed at Subway is avocado? I rest my case.

Funny shot

Photos of ones crotch serve no purpose to a dog. People and the sub-set called politicians should follow the dog lead here. When you last name is Weiner your camera should be pointed at a Hebrew National, loaded with mustard, on a split-top bun.

Name game

Bring a dog named Mitt into the dog club and the canine creatures would chuckle. Same name will cause similar reactions from now until Super Tuesday next February. There hasn't been this much talk about mitt since the glove was invented.

Last Dogblog

Brody here.  Young pup.  Can we just play?  As the straw that stirs the drink isn't a raise in order?  This is over-performance.  The matrices are off the charts.  Technically proof is the best dog is the last dog bought.  Help me, there's a genius inside wanting out!

Guest dogger2

Continuing the vacation paws are switched blogging,  Hamish, middle dog, here and there at the same time.  Ever notice people expect dogs to listen to them? The species is dog, not robot. Our thoughts are our own crazy version of your world and we simply want to poop in it and get fed. Following orderly rules is not our idea.

Guest Dogger

Finn here filling in for Horace today as he is on vacation. As the oldest dog of three, vacation day one is mine. It's a seniority thing. Today until Sunday the tables are turned. Dogs do the blogging. As a small dog my hearing is normal. This may seem like an unnecessary declaration. However, on millions of occasions normal statements are made to me in a high-pitched voice as if a baby was cooing in a crib. Talk normal to a small dog.  Feed us yogurt more often, really, any flavor but blueberry.

Puzzle day

Halflinger
Exmoor
Yonaguni
Spanish Mustang
Holsteiner
Appaloosa
Russian Trotter
Oldenburg
Nonius
Irish Sport Horse
Thoroughbred
Shetland Pony
Yonaguni (2)
Orlov Trotter
Ukranian Riding Horse
Rocky Mountain Horse
Belgian Draft
Dales Pony
Arabian
Yonaguni (3)

It's June

Welcome to month six, June. Dogs don't know it's June. They do know it is getting hotter. To a dog the days are classified as hot or cold. When it's hot outside the AC better be on and cold. Their desire is obliged just like a card at a graduation party, it's the only way to go.

Not fit

It is easy to believe the magic if Wii. Great technology doesn't influence dogs. They know better than to put faith in the Wii Fit program as a weight loss, health improvement product. People buy the marketing sizzle and eat the 12-ounce steak.

Radio racing

Radio is great.  Music, news and sports right to the ears.  Dogs listen to the radio, its the audible-invisible companion.  There are things that work better on radio and some shows which perplex.  Dogs wouldn't choose to listen to a golf tournament on the radio, they would rather watch it live and shag balls.  Also an odd radio choice is the 500-mile race.  Round and round they go for about as long as two Phish songs.  To that treat, the dogs decline, they will check the winner of the 500 by going on-line.

Demons somewhere

It's likely untrue that dogs sense demons in their midst.  While some people can be haunted by demonic forces, imagined and perhaps real, the animal kingdom must have immunity from these thoughts.  Or, maybe that concerned look in the eye of the dog is a cry for help for an exorcism?  Gives new meaning to a fear-factor yelp or panic-fired deep breath.

House size

There isn't a dog alive who has bragged to friends about the size or price of their house.  Take Mrs. American, Sarah Palin, for example.  Another definition of "hockey mom" is ownership of a $1.7 million estate in Arizona.  The only ice there is in the neighbor's nightly drink.

Life as a dog featurette #471

Life as a dog means a Spam-free existence. No SPAM email or canned food.

Idol moment

Dogs have no issue with America's Idol voters on crowning Scotty the winner last night.  They are also glad they will not likely here his "This Big" song ever again.  Beam them up Scotty.

Retirement plan

Unlike most people, dogs don't rely on winning the Ziptastic-Hyper-Ball lottery as a retirement plan.  They have great retirement benefits daily at young ages.

Cheese list

If dogs worked behind the counter at the nationwide sub shop they would handle it differently.  Yes, if you are employed by the sub shop for longer than a week, it would be logical that the list of five cheeses is easily memorized. However, be aware, that if you recite the five cheeses to a customer that doesn't know the cheeses and the cheeses are stated in a condescending, monotone, rapid-fire cadence (like thank you sire I'll have another in boot camp) it is not helpful, in fact it is fringe-rude.  State the cheeses slowly and articulate the syllables, like dogs might if they were the artists behind the glass counter.  Am-er-i-can.  Pro-vo-lone.  Pepp-er-jack until a rightful conclusion.

No nerds

There are no dog nerds. One will never witness a dog in an odd outfit, strange hat or peculiar jacket holding a two-liter bottle of Diet Rite Cola left-handed mid-chest high on a walk to nowhere in particular.

Ball world

Add a ball to a nice day in the backyard with a dog and it's like they are about to ride the Matterhorne at Disney.

Opposable thumb issue #31

Dogs don't expect a trophy as they can not hoist it high in triumph.

10 years

No dog would father a pup and keep it quiet for 1 minute, let alone 10 years of our formerly liked/loved Arnold.  He gives the term stud-fee a new wrinkle.

Bo bark

Bo Jackson had it down pat.  In the history of sports interviews, Bo stands alone as the best to always refer to himself in the third person.  Forcing Bo Jackson to say "I" is like flushing a tree in the bathroom, very challenging.  Dogs don't confuse tense.  They are first-person communicators.  A bark is a bark. 

Don't stand

People who stand up and remain standing at inappropriate times during concerts or sporting events should take a cue from dogs who never participate in this rude public-judgment error.

Election pay

If they had the right to vote,  dogs would also run for political office. Since, however, dogs live in a monetary-free world it would be a pure contest of ideology.  Perhaps the dozen or so Republicans contesting for the presidential nomination can take an ideological left-turn and agree that the campaign funds, which will add up to be astronomical sums, could fund the desired deficit reduction or support educational funding.  Instead it is good money after bad simply to serve as an exercise to weed out the loons from the insane.

No phone

It's fun to put the dog on the phone.  They look at it like its the plastic form of confusion when a familiar voice is emitted.  One place a dog would never use a phone is in-line at a sandwich shop.  This is yet another example of where dogs never clog the line and delay orders by continuing a cell-phone conversation while in the line.  Make up your mind, don't multi-task as thoughts of a #4 rumble through the mind.  Choose.  It's like the pain imparted by those who ask the waiter to come back as they consider dessert.  One should know at all times if they are in or out on dessert.  It is not that difficult of a choice.  Can a slice of pie fit?  Yes, no.

1.42% there

This is post 100 of the 7000 in a series.  Milestones exist in dog owners' minds.  The dog doesn't know such a mark exists and because of this they are immeasurably better off.  They are not bound by numbers.  Freedom is easier when the tyranny of digits is missing.  They are not in tune with the 1.42% achieved as a barometer of a made-up milestone for a blogosphere location.

In line

Simple example of how the dog way of living is superior to people is found in the line at Subway.  A dog would know what they wanted before walking through the door.  People can act like the ordering and decision-making process is as fresh as Bryan Adam's newborn when they utter four simple words:  Give me a minute.

No Cirq

Dogs do not subject themselves to confusing Cirque Du Soleil (say that five times fast) with entertainment.  They prefer a plastic dog bone with ridges (like Ruffles) between the paws and in the mouth.

Bugs stink

Being a household dog equals immunity toward stink bug clean up responsibilities.

Fig Newt

Today might be the end of the beginning for dog interest in Newt. Very few if any dogs are likely named Newt. Newton, his actual name, perhaps is a modestly popular dog name in fig-land. Dogs trump people everyday for the simple reason that they never make campaign promises.  If predictions ring true Newt will make some today that won't be kept, just like his vow of faithfulness.  As he announces his campaign, he will emulate the human equivalent of licking his balls in public - it's called giving a partisan speech.

View who

Is the dog on the carpet watching the dog on TV or is the dog on TV watching the dog on the carpet?

Doggie sad

It's sad that dogs can't come up with one thing they'd do for a Klondike bar.

On behalf

From all of the dogs to all of the moms, Happy Mother's Day!

Opposable thumb issue #42

Dogs can't have a green thumb via gardening, and they don't get to cut the grass as they can't pull-start the mower.

Friday funny

It is not important for dogs to study the solar system. They have no concern about the position of Earth it's axis or orbit - space words. Dogs don't know there are rings around Saturn. They do know how to respond to a planet fight by licking Uranus.

Unknowing situation

Benefit of being born with fur and four legs and a bark is the America of 9-10-2001 always existed. On Sunday a piece of that utopia came back into the puzzle. Yea!

Buffet plans

Doggies never get the thrill and joy of a sparse breakfast buffet in a hotel lobby.

Yard slicker

Dogs don't need rain slickers to go out in the yard.  The image of a dog slicker brightens a rainy day.

Opposable thumb issue #419

Full potential of a recliner chair can not be realized by dogs due to the lack of an opposable thumb.  They can sit but can't attain the recline position.  Its a rinse-cycle only in a spin-cycle world.  Or, it's like picking the winning horse but not buying a ticket, no payoff.

Dome no

Baldness is not an issue in the dog world.

Not a bed

Sidewalks are the perfect place to dog walk. Dogs are smarter than people because there is no dog event where they would pitch a tent or grab a sleeping bag for shut-eye on the sidewalk to get a prime spot for something the next day.

King hairy

Dogs have avoided all royal wedding hype.  They are waiting for Prince Harry to get a chance with Queen Furry.

Opposable thumb issue #87

Dogs can't experience the sadness of taking the Penguins flag down early this year due to a number of issues, including the lack of an opposable thumb.

On treats

Dogs will do anything for a treat.  People most-times have motives beyond the treat for requested behavior.  Dog's don't.

Trumper dumper

Dogs of the universe are ignoring the rapid-fire ignorance spewing from the Donald's mouth.  Instead they are listening to the 8-track recording in their heads of "Love Will Keep Us Together."

Sign posters

Dogs don't make the mistakes often seen on business signs.  They win by default as they will never be tasked with sign-duty at the pizza shop.  However, if they did the task, they would notice and correct the often seen practice of the backward "Z" and "ZZ" on a pizza shop sign nearby.  It may be an offhanded homage to ZZ Top but its likely nothing of the kind.

Unwrapped bunny

The no chocolate bunny health problem of the dog digestive system prevents baskets of happiness for Easter in dog-land.  Interesting thing is that the dog still wins as they have, or know of a dog who has, actually killed and eaten a real bunny.

Spin cycle

Quick drive back from the mall.  Along the route is a garage, more of a storage bin for stuff than a car-park location.  In the entry, two 20-somethings are sitting in the sunlight, in spinning chairs, lightly twisting back and forth.  Better than a dog's existence?  For the moment perhaps.  But they had to get there, have a reason (presumed) for being there and have something (perhaps) to do later.  Dogs don't.

Brushy brushy

Oral hygiene is as wonderful and a winning scratch ticket.  It, however, is a chore avoided by dogs.  The canine friends get away with what marketers called halitosis, which is a possibly made-up word like Retsin for Certs.

Bark it out

Most animals don't communicate as viciously as a mighty dog bark.  This ability is as in-born and honest as the emotions in a Meat Loaf ballad.  It can be pure agony to watch a dog bark at the wrong thing, at the wrong time, with the wrong (loud) volume.  But it is the essence of being a dog at the same time.

Weather or not

The weather is a favorite topic of conversation.  Everyone has an opinion on the weather.  Dogs are immune to this tendency.  They are collectively weather agnostic.  While dogs enjoy a sunny day, they are not set-back by the bluster that is a winter chill on an April day.  They, like groundhogs on February 2, are always poised to spring from their pseudo-burrows and run to the fences for a good dog bark under any climatic conditions.

King a ring ding

One remembers a birthday party when its in a dog's honor.  Many years ago, in a basement that was not so far, far away, and was really the main dining space of today's birthday girl, who in her fun-tastic way of spreading joy, gave her birthday dog a party fit for a king!

Taxes scmaxxess

Dogs never pay taxes. They don't know the evils of mid-April filing deadlines.

Opposable Thumb Issue 73

Dogs can't umpire baseball games.  No thumb to stick up when an out is called.

Unparralel Universe

Dogs are better than people because they don't have to learn or practice the artform known as the parralel park.  The trick to correctl parralel parking is to find a spot where you drive straight into the space, driving around the block a few times can help achieve this goal.

Tune that name

Baseball player's last name that is not recommended as a dog named that is not Pujols is Rasmus. Here Rasmus, just doesn't have a ring to it.

Yawn bowling

Sports with balls that dogs can't play: Bocce. Can't toss 'em, can't measure them.

Opposable thumb issue #567

Dogs can't enjoy playing hockey, even as the Stanley Cup Playoffs start, due to that stick-holding issue due to the lack of an opposable-thumb design.

Not topic

Comedians are smart enough to not use dogs for material in a negative light.  For comedy doggies are cute and mischievous.  They do not get defaced in any way.

Hear and here

Shed.  One word.  At least two meanings.  Dogs let the fur fly.  People store lawn and garden equipment inside them.  Thinking the combo of the two is a structure full of dog fur, also known as a doghouse - another word with multiple meanings, to be avoid as much as inhaling shed fur.

Shutdown schmutt-down

Beauty of the dog life is no worries about government of any kind.  They could not care if its open or closed.  The dog-world is more of a democracy than democracy.

Never knew

Jennifer Lopez cried.  Steven Tyler was stunned.  Randy Jackson.  The dogs took the shocking elimination of Pia on Idol in stride, they slept through it and have moved on.

Love to but...

People will, dogs won't: Ride a mechanical bull. Who is smarter? The dog who won't or the fallen person?  No one laughs at a dog who won't ride a mechanical bull.  Everyone laughs at people who think they can ride mechanical bulls.

Music appreciation

One benefit of being a dog is never having experienced the music of Kansas in the 70's, or now as a "classic" artist. How long to the point of no return? About four minutes of song longer than a reasonable point of tolerance.  If dogs had classic radio stations would they include barks of other dogs?  Or would they play "Who Let the Dogs Out" non-stop?

Opposable thumb issue #287

Dogs can't hold a towel to wipe their feet. 

Life as a dog featurette #5

Life as a dog means never eating a slice of pie, unless the owner isn't looking and a food grab is in order.

Makin' a case

Story about re-population.  Since God put the goods all in the same place per gender it makes it easier for all to re-populate, including dogs, who even have their own style.  Also makes it more possible for the under-smart to do the same in the trailer court of the world.  Result is a spike in Wrestle-Mania pay per view purchases last night, while real joys of living, Scott toilet paper, were passed over for the cheap stuff.  Contention at the extreme is the parts should possibly have been randomly located, not in the same place on each person, to confuse the stupid at time of sexual advancement.  In a stunning revelation this could have impacted the world in many ways.  1)  Less NASCAR.  2)  Smaller NRA membership.  3)  Fewer Republicans, possibly substantial reductions.  4) Many more Mormons proportionately.  5)  No Tea Party.  6)  National Enquirer tabloid does not exist.  7)  Less reality TV.  8)  Right-wing politicians who stand up for the rights of those not in agreement with the Christian agenda as a policy outline for America.  9)  One more "Dummy" book.  10)  Monsters as a real-daily-threat, living among us, posing as friends, scaring dogs.

Weekend forever

Enjoy the weekend so far?  The dog has been living a perpetual weekend since the day it was born.  People think they score points for getting to the weekend.  For a dog weekends are the endless loop of "It's a Small World" but pleasant.

The 16th minute

It is standard human behavior.  Dogs are not affected by the same hype.  Morning talk-shows, the 7:30 entertainment shows, tube sites on the internet all benefit from the shiny coin and its 15 minutes of fame.  Caring less, the dog community.  Brings to mind what has happened in minutes 16 and beyond of fame for golden-voiced homeless man Ted Williams?  Like a "poof" in the Wizard of Oz, he was there one minute and melted by water the next. 

Fooled?

Every day can be April Fool's Day for a dog.  They are suckers for the fake ball throw.  They don't know it is really in the armpit or behind the back.  Typically they will take the bait on a promise.  Let's go for a walk - when none is intended.  Best April Fool's day pranks involve a combination of a premise rooted in reality but pushed to absurdity.  Like a typical animal, chicken, but with purple feathers.

Take me out

Opening Day is here.  Baseball season arrives.  Dogs like ball.  They can play ball longer than a twi-night doubleheader.  Among all baseball teams there is no obvious choice for a dog following.  Closest thing are the two Sox franchises, Red and White.  Since most households have more white sox than red, the Chicago White Sox will be declared the unofficial team of dogs everywhere.  Open mouth insert sock is one aspect of play but what a dog really wants to hear, like basbell lovers everywhere, is the yell of "Play Ball!"

Street vendors

Dogs do not discriminate on the source of food.  People can camp in groups that dine on street-vendor prepared products, think New York City sidewalk-cart style cuisine.  Or they run from that concept as if it were the holidays with Piers Morgan.

No Bonds effect

Dogs are laughing at the Barry Bonds trial. They can"t imagine taking steroids to improve athletic performance. Even drug-free they can't be run down and caught.

Call them what

Is there a dog named Camel?  Or is there a camel named Dog?

In a name

Cog-like plastic dog toy carries the name Richard Gear.

No furry friends

Dogs are smarter than people because they will never spend a dime to purchase a gerbil, hamster or similar rodent to keep as a pet.  To a dog those creatures are classified as a picnic lunch of fun.  At the pet store, they are readily packed in a Chinese take-out box for hypothetical doggie-dining.  Of course the dogs real challenge is catching a mouse or squirrel in the backyard.  In that case they can keep the canine equivalent of a Crackerjack box toy prize if caught.

C F U get it

Having ascertained properly patterned yellow birdbaths in reply, the hunting dogs always yearned, even marveled, in loving yardbirds.

Pierced nothing

In a mall near you there are places that can please and torture at the same time.  They sell earrings and they pierce the lobe, and perhaps other body parts, upon request.  This is another Y-intersection in the road where dogs always go one direction.  People can elect the other path.  As the dogs choose the no-cost, no-pain, no problem solution, they can, once again, be cast as winners.  Nothing against the piercing, which is a common as a book in a library, but dogs just don't do ear-fashion.  Sign at the piercing kiosk states over 40 years experience.  That's marketing, another thing dogs don't succumb to.  If the thought for one millisecond is the person about to pierce the ears, as part of a $9 an hour position, has 40 years of life experience, not alone piercing expertise, there are other thoughts that should be coming.  The roulette wheel of luck can land on a shaky hand of the mall piercer or a confident lover of the art of hole lobe drilling.  Roll the dice, dogs won't - no opposable thumb for the flick, no opposable thumb for the ear-post receptacle either.

No the horror

Mr. Blood is a frightening character - the word blood forms an immediate enforceable unsettling image when stated.  Mr. Gore is downright scary - so much of a chilling jolt that the Supreme Court forbid him from taking his rightful place as President in 2000.  Blood and Gore combined are as terrifying as a The Monkees reunion tour, or the thought of standing in-line at Disney World in July.  As life goes, under the category of things dogs have no interest in and people either love it or hate it, is the horror film.  Also in this category, somewhat lesser known, is Micky Dolenz - a separated at birth doppelganger with Rush Limbaugh, minus 2,000 pounds. This all is further proof that dogs trump people. Dogs are not entertained by blood, gore (except they delight in Al Gore storytelling) nor people who say they monkey around. Their position is logical, they don't want to put anybody down.

Opposable thumb issue #6

Dogs provide security, which is awesome, but not much else in the area of household chores.  It is that old opposable thumb issue that keeps them from folding towels, doing laundry and ironing shirts.  Mark that as another win for their side of the slate.  Dino, who did his share of household work at times on The Flintstones, was a fictional character and a dinosaur playing a dog.  Now the 1960s TV cartoon classic is reborn as the Duncan Yo-Yo of the era in silly-bands form.  No greater compliment can be afforded, after the Nobel prize, as having one's likeness placed into colored plastic to be worn around a kid's wrist.  Of course dogs don't wear silly bands, must be that thumb issue again.

What coat?

What do dogs and teenagers at the mall cinema in winter have in common?  Neither wears a coat out in the cold.

Opposable thumb issue #5

Dogs can run after and catch the ice-cream truck as it jingles through the neighborhood. They can't hold the stick on any -cicle products, pop, dream, cream or fudge.

Lost keys

The look and body language are distinct. Dog stares and paces. They are thinking through a confusing situation. The demeanor and tone indicate this is not a need-to-go outside moment. Now baffled, the dog doesn't know two critical components. One, what is happening here? Second, why is this moment so confusing? In summation, a dog-personification of the recent Bush presidency.  The deer-in-halogen headlights look is also similar to a mall customer finishing a purchase then noticing something unsettling. Where are the car keys? It's an empty-stomach sensation.  Double-dip roller coasters offer a similar sensation, as did eight years of W.  Of course dogs don't have keys, just like presidents.  Yet around here dogs can earn the designation of having lost their keys by looking confused, bewildered or like our 41st President.

Bracket smacket

Expressions like broken brackets and teams like Morehead State are as meaningful to a dog today as the term no-fly zone. Dogs are not waving white flags over the red tape rescue Southwest commercials, airing every nine minutes of March Adness.

Dog-U-Cation

Dog owners makes the same assumption. The dog has a full understanding of the language spoken. Sit. Stay. Down. From day one, these and any other words are presumed as fully understood. The belief is dogs arrive on earth having attended celestial dog-schools. Understanding vocabulary is the primary educational mission. The concept has realm of possibility elements hearkening to purgatory and what may be a lesser-known entity, peanut heaven. Not only a reference to seats far from the field, peanut heaven in childhood memory depiction, was and is a magical land of pre-birth, sci-fi, awaiting. In this place, basic elements are taught, like breathing. It is as fictional as they come. Just as imagined as the dog understands us motif. In reality we are heard by dogs in the same manner adults on Peanuts TV specials were heard by kids. Wa, ba, ga, mu, whomp.

Saint it ain't so

The term patron saint is meaningless to a dog.  Its like debating the acting merits of Nicholas Cage, not a paramount discussion.  Not sure how the concept of a patron saint came into existence, but it did and we have an ever-growing list of causes and saints.  There are no patron sinners, just saints.  Some tequila lovers do know of the Patron-brand saint.  Imagining there is a patron saint of all dogs (St. Bernard gets the logical nomination).  Sadly, the very animal they are the patron saint of does not know they exist.  That's heavy stuff.  In the alternate-universe dog-world there are partially submerged bathtubs in dog lawns with a statue of a St. Bernard enshrined.

With heart

If they were so able, dogs would let all know that their hearts go out to Japan, those gone, those there and for a brighter reality minute-by-minute as we move forward.

Pan the pander

Life as a dog means never having to pander-down your past.  Sure you as a dog may have things that are regrettable.  Perhaps you ate some pooh.  Maybe you were caught licking there.  Maybe a wrestling move on your dog-brother was misinterpreted as a sexual endeavor.  But the dog never has to explain itself or create a new answer to an old question.  People change the answer to suit the audience, something a dog doesn't do.  Facts show potential presidential candidate Newt Gingrich as a multi-divorcee whom left a wife while she was in a state of serious medical decline.  Now years later the rationale produced in answer form is a zest for America made him do these things the Christian-right finds disgusting.  He has, in essence, licked his dog balls, got caught and is saying they were juiced with super-America apple-pie flavoring.  Yes this rendered his balls, metaphorically speaking, irresistible.  Forgive him for liking apple pie, all Americans like it too.  Dogs don't eat pie.  They just wait to you aren't looking and lick again.  They remain fully patriotic in the process.