July ends

The dog days of summer soon will fade into the countdown to Labor Day. The dog will soon have every weekend filled with "cram into summer" before it's gone activities.

Chasing tail

Fun for no reason is the definition of chasing the dog tail. Is there a simpler way to have fun as a dog? Yes.

New product

Under Armour for dogs could be called Underdogmour!

One thing

One thing a dog can forever do without: Lanyards. If the dog has a ticket they will put it in their pocket not drape it around their neck in plastic.

If dogs...

If dogs worked on the railroad all the live long day they would have very different way to pass the time away other than laying down and waiting for a meal. They would also live at the Shady Rest at the junction, Petticoat Junction.  Favorite part of Petticoat Junction - references to Hooterville!  Green Acres is the place to be!

Pier review

One thing dogs missed is the story of Larry King. They wouldn't know that Larry was the voice of midnight talk radio when it was a form of legitimate entertainment, not the diatribe rhetoric of today's conservative block heads.   King as an interviewer, was solid, yes, not as good as the current leader at the clubhouse turn (John Stewart) but close.   So the dogs don't know Larry goes onto a million shows on CNN then hangs it up like a retiring school teacher, smiling on the way out, loved the kids but glad to go. Now Piers Morgan is in the King seat and it is unknown to a pup but it just isn't the same. It's like a dead patch in a nice lawn, odd and out of place, 9 p.m. CNN = Larry time, no more.  The dog just gets his nightly drink at this time and curls up with a good spot on the couch.

Kayak desires

That dog on the floor has no aspirations of kayaking.  People are flocking to these plastic vessels like they are moon rocks circa 1969.  A kayak for dogs would be an engineering feat.  It would have four slots in the cockpit for dog feet and paws would extend through water-tight openings allowing paddling to happen doggie-style.

Life as a dog featurette #6

Life as a dog means you can sleep 22 hours a day. A person is happy with 8, almost 2/3 less sleep.  How much stress the dog endures in the 2 hours of awake is another point, not much.  It's the same level of stress a Bill Gates has when his electric bill arrives, none.

No power

Power outages are strange territory for dogs.  Routine is important.  To vary on routine is disruptive.  Like people who flick a light switch expecting illumination and getting none, dogs expect the power to work.   The dogs will miss the AC more than breakfast in a few hours.

Hot spell

The dog is hotter than anyone right now. They can't wear flip flops to keep their paws cool. These are, after all, the dog days of summer. Is there an alternate universe where the expression for a cold 24-hour period is a person day of winter?

Shirt policy

There are no arguments from dogs over the lack of a shirt policy for men in summertime.  Dogs don't have the ability to communicate their opinions on the subject.  If the canine club could institute public policy it would be interesting, not top of the Google search interesting, but good Gilbert Gottfried joke interesting.  The policy would state that men must wear shirts unless swimming, boating or working out doors.  Any and all other instances are simply not acceptable.

Scratch tickets

Question to the above answer:  Name a lottery-based, people obsession that a dog can't partake in due to the opposable-thumb issue of physical design.

Can't canoe

It could be #291 in the never-ending discussion on the opposable-thumb issue for dogs, but this classic case proves that dogs can canoe, but most can't canoe.  Can-U?  It's kind of like watching someone dump bubble bath into a washing machine when seeing two people, two dogs (on leashes) and one rented canoe at the launch spot, something is about to boil over, just when and where are the questions.  The presumed, up-front, educational briefing provided to the dogs was as memorable as a contestant who is not your relative on the 101 Ways to Leave a Game Show program (soon on You-Tube after a 90-second run on ABC).  Most dogs want no part of spending time in a metal container and floating on water.  Some do, yes, some does not equal all.  There is a reason that there is a take your kids to work day, it has value.  There is similar reason in reviewing the absence of a take your dog(s) canoeing day.  Enjoy the float, keep Skippy at home, they would rather rest than ride.

Dog soccer

Those who succeed at herding cats advance to organize dogs to play competitive soccer.

Ceiling floor

Debts ceiling talk is as important to a dog as their registration for an oil painting class. Dogs like the floor and expect the ceiling to stay, like a dog listening to a command.

Soup ease

No dog arguments have ever begun over the amount of soup in their bowls.

Different Harry

The dog on the floor could not care less about the Harry Potter series coming to its rightful ending.  Dogs watch knock-off Hairy Potter on CTVN, Canine Television Network, channel 4006 a click above Tea TV, all tea all the time, even during coffee breaks.  Ever notice there are no nerd dogs, just nerds who have dogs?

Sock-tastic

It's pretty clear dogs don't need socks, unless they work in a nuclear reactor plant and in those cases they wear those cute, baby-blue, moon-like astronaut booties.  Unfortunately this sock-less life suppresses the glee a dog could feel wearing a quad-pack of Under Armour socks.  It's more than marketing, its a lottery win for the feet to treat them with UA products.  Sorry dogs.

Phone gnome

If there was a character named the phone gnome dogs wouldn't care, kids may rejoice, especially if Sir Elton sang about it.  "Hold me closer (to the phone) tiny (gnome)."  Dogs don't like the phone.  Hold it up to their ears and they looked perplexed or annoyed, like the inner-brain frustration when the line not-chosen moves much, much faster.  People generally know how to use the phone.  Just to be clear, each cell phone has the ability to transfer the voice, when spoke at a normal volume, to the other side.  Yelling or talking loud is not necessary, the tin can and string era went the way of Wham-O products and Wham!

Sun blocked

Today's simple advantage to being a dog rather than human: No chance of sunburn.

Home plate

Every meal is in a bowl, never on a plate, and the dog is thrilled. Silverware? Ha!

100 Percent?

The nation's unemployment rate for dogs remains at near 99% - save for the service dogs, police dogs and guard dogs.  It makes the unfortunate 9%-plus unemployment rate look small by comparison.  Dogs also have great retirement plans and don't have to contribute to a 401k. Ask a dog to punch a time clock and you run face-first into an opposable thumb issue.

Shuttle finale

There is no dog knowledge of the space shuttle. A pup can't miss what they do not know. Doggies don't begrudge the emotions attached to the final liftoff, they are genuine. Unlike people, they just don't know enough to care. There is beauty in that innocence, often under-appreciated. If the shuttles were made of dog treats a line would form quickly, like a bug on a windshield without the blur.

All-Stars

The All-Star Game will bring baseball's brightest together in Phoenix next week.  Dogs will not know this is happening.  They don't pick an all-star team.  Imagine the Poodle getting to bat lead-off, the Finish Spitz batting second and playing shortstop, or the Great Pyrenees hitting clean-up.  It could be a wonderful thing, but chaos would ensue in a frenzy.  Especially when the ball is dropped and the dogs chase it.

Demo derby

No dogs were seen at the demolition derby in the rural part of farmland America. Yes, rural-cubed (to the third power) is where the derby gets demolished. A dog knows they wouldn't win this real-car version of the bumper-car ride.  Instead, dogs sit in the driveway while their owners paint-up old sedans and intentionally mash them into each other until one car still moves. Darwin's waiting room has a spot for the demo derby. To locate the demo derby just head to the intersection of redneck and inbreed and go seventeen more miles just past teen-mom and toward the place where the girls wear "take it in the rear" T-shirts (the reference is for the demo technique of ramming the trunk) and you have arrived.  For special occasion dinners the families around here head to Steak-n-Shake.  It is a place where you are a certified old-maid if you are 16 and have not reproduced, but its a fun place to watch the derby and wish you were a barn dog watching butter churned as Levi farms.  No photos please.

Drop kick

Similar topic, different reaction. Kick a ball, fun. Kick in the balls, pain - but only for people, not dogs. Another example in the series where circumstantially it's better to be the dog. Also dogs don't laugh if a fellow pup gets kicked there. People laugh. It's funny, not Soupy Sales humor, but the classic burst of laughter reaction, kind of like jumping when scared or flinching at a popped balloon. For a dictionary definition of the phrase kicked in the balls please see the prosecutors of Casey Anthony.

Poetic politics

Politics is not a dog sport. They would rather chew a toy bone than argue on how society is boned by the public distrust. A dog would never sit down and write an ode to Tim Pawlenty.

Dear Tim
Bring it in
Stop pretending
You can win

Dear former Governor
You're no Eleanor
What do you stand for
Walk out the door

Hey everyone else running
Your disgust in stunning
The time and money your spending
Could do a lot of mending

And then the dog rolled over and sighed.

Algebra today:

TPD + 7.5.90 = 21

July 4th

Last in a series:

Yankee-doggie went to town
Riding not a pony
Stuck a feather in his fur
Called it a bur

Happy Birthday America!  You don't look a day over 234!

Patriotdogism #2

Second in a never-to-be-repeated series on the holiday weekend

Oh beautiful the food's in the bowl
For grain (yeah) - keep the amber waves
For dog-dreams of mountain-hiking majesty
And enjoying fruit on a plane (?)
America! America!
Dogs shed thy waste openly
And crown the dish with a holiday wish
Explain fireworks' charm to us!

Patriotdogism #1

A holiday tribute to dogged-up versions of Patriotic classics in rhyming form poetry:

My country tis of dog
Sweet land of Snausages
Of thee we bark
Land of their father's stud
Land of grass and mud
From every dog collar
Let freedom holler!

Whitney will

Remember Emeril did a sitcom years ago.  No one remembers the show existed.  It lasted half as long as Weiner-gate.  Dogs don't watch sitcoms.  They hear the word sit and place butt on floor.  They are not hedging their bets that NBC's over-hyped fall entrant, Whitney, will succeed.  Is it simply a coincidence that the one-word, named-for-star sitcom referenced as a factual failure could foreshadow the destiny of the equally one-named for lead-character sitcom?  A head scratcher to be answered come fall.