Greener grass

The only greener grass known to dogs is the kind for running, relaxing and restrooming.  Dogs never attend farewell parties for co-workers who leave to seek greener pastures.  It's one of many circumstances confronted by the human-life and absolutely (and cranberry) no part of the doggie-style-life.  Dogs always assume they will see you again and at the same time love their current circumstance and wouldn't jump ship.

Camera shy

The face in the crowd with the cell phone to his ear, and illogically wearing camouflage, striving for attention at the game is obviously not a dog. Puppies don't posses the vain desire to be seen on TV. They also can't wave and hold cell phones do to the formidable opposable-thumb design flaw. The plain truth is that it used to be fine to write a letter and mail it to your uncle in Florida telling him you enjoyed the tickets he sent. Now the world has birthed idiots (or Palin's) craving attention from the teet of America so strongly that they must be seen waving to Uncle Wilbur from behind home plate while they speak to him in Sarasota. They, instead, should be showered with dog pooh and placed on YouTube.

Confused again

The antithesis of a calm laying puppy dog is the chaos of the Genesis puppets in the Land of Confusion music video, circa late-1980's. This spirit of confusion remains in play at a dog-free part of the world called the mall food court. This is where you hear the outline of confusion while the regular deluxe gets grilled. Dialogue like "He's not here?" "No." "So he left?" "Yes, 15 minutes ago." "He's supposed to be here." "Hmmmmm." Dogs don't lend to confusion. They can be tricked (fake ball toss) but they don't confuse each other by doing a work-around.  They are what they are and that is that.

In song

Take your dog to the ballgame
Take your dog with the crowd
Buy them some Purina and crackers, Jack
They won't know if they ever get back
Root, root, root for the home team
If they don't win it's its a shame
For its 1, 2, 3 strikes your out
and your dog went to the ballgame!

Don't Tee-It

Never an advice forum, strictly and observational platform, here it can be stated that dogs are not fashion-forward or backward.  Take the guy at the game the other day.  Raw stats, 300+ pounds, 6-foot tall, 3-foot wide, outfitted in shorts and the most-expandable wife-beater tank-top ever made.  A dog may be overweight but they carry it well.  They don't need the 37 spools of material ordered to outfit the entire USA soccer team in white uniforms to cover the basketball under digestion inside this person.  This guy was so puffed-up you'd think he swallowed a jockey or perhaps Fred Patek (a former baseball player at 5-foot 4-inches) to accentuate the baseball theme.  As Richard Simmons should state:  "Mirrors, people, mirrors!"

What rain?

Being a dog means a slicker-free life even in a hard rain. Fur the ultimate odor-maker, just add water.  The smell of a wet dog is like smelling gentle fertilizer melded into a fur-blend.  Special.

Animated overkill

Back in the days when Lorne Greene pitched Alpo on black and white TV, it was also a treat to see an animated family movie. This was the era of Snow White and Jungle Book. Today there is a new animated kid-aimed-movie released every 19 minutes. Yes, in the time it takes a dog to microwave popcorn for the kennel, new characters like Zackers and Twisty come to life. But with every advancement in animation, quality suffers publicly, like a fallen politician's wife.  Except for the occasional brilliance of an "Up" its better to stay in the doghouse and avoid the film-house when it comes to the average animated non-classic.

Pop this

Dogs can be forgiven for thinking Jim Carey is funny. People can no longer consider this man a comic. His latest movie Mr Popper's Penguins is as entertaining as watching foil unfurl from the roll.  The plot of Hickory Dickory Dock is has more depth of character.  Sitting through 90-minutes of a gargling lawyer reading contest disclaimers would be more entertaining than a minute of Carey.  If he has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame it should be rescinded or transformed into a target for dog relief.

Opposable thumb issue #1971

Dogs can't self-implode with stupid, offensive and unnecessary Twitter comments due to the lack of an opposable thumb.  The families of celebrities, athletes, Roger Ebert and Anthony Weiner are wishing their Twits weren't Tweeters and instead were thumb-less dog-like.

Fry dip

Being a dog means never to have the problem of eating french fries in the car and attempting to open an old-fashioned (vault-sealed) Heinz Ketchup packet.

In woods

If a dog falls into a tree in the woods does it hurt the tree?

No Newt

The more Newt speaks in his spending-spree to lose the Presidency (but get a job on Fox News) the more one wishes they could huddle down like a hound dog and put paws over ears.  The key thing to realize is like a dog ignoring instructions, listen to Newt and believe the exact opposite and you will be fine.  He is a toad.

Hat off

Being a dog means never wearing a cowboy hat unless it's Halloween and your costumes includes it. The same thing that's right with the cowboy hat is also what is wrong with a cowboy hat. Dogs just don't have a calling to celebrate the spirit of the west.

Le Dog

LeBron James means nothing to your dog. The star of the non-champion Miami Heat struggled like a dog stuck in fishing line in this year's NBA Finals. His successes and failures resonate strongly as a new language to the pups. Donde es la biblioteca? Right behind the town library sign.

No rivalries

Rivalries are popular among people.  Nothing like two teams, one yours, who just don't like each other.  Dogs no of no rivals.  They may not like other dogs, but in a minute they can change their doggie-minds and want to play.  Just one more example of the subtle differences between dogs and people that slant the see-saw toward the puppies.

Hugh no

If Hugh Hefner were a dog he would be four times older than America in dog years. Unlike the common dog, Hugh is sad now as his wedding is off. Dogs don't face the problems of old-man, young bride. If Hugh were a dog he would probably be a Pointer. His woman is dog gone.

No look

Dogs are better than people as they don't have to worry about looking for the Bimbo Bread bear. He was last seen taking a damaging farm machine onto Wonder Bread property. A bear can only bounce on fluffy white bread slices so long until they go all commando on the competition.

Task it

Among thankless household tasks that dogs could perform to save humans from additional work is the removal of utensils stuck in the well of a dishwasher.  The paw is no better designed then the hand for this pain in the task.

Bet placed

There are bets on dogs and horses but both dogs and horses place no bets. The concept of the wager doesn't exist in a dog world. Odds and payouts don't matter to the pooch. A $51 long-shot in the Belmont is nice, but the dog just wants some food, a gentle rub and they keys to the car at age-16.

Bus hound

Ironic that the iconic bus company is named for a dog breed yet dogs get a free-pass from ever stooping to the point of being a Greyhound customer.

Honor service

Unless dogs start dining at Ohio Turnpike food courts they will be able to take the high-road on customer service. A dog behaving correctly is positive customer service.  Over-the-top service is the expected norm at many fine-dining establishments.  Dining at Hardees on the pike, a customer simply wants the ordered combo-meal served fast with accuracy. At this food court you take a number, place it on your table, the food is delivered on a red tray.  When the customer at the next table got his food and he requested, but didn't get,  hot sauce the Hardees employee who delivered the tray said: "I would be honored to get it (hot sauce not the Coke formula or cure for the common cold) for you."  The over-stated use of "honor" is either the best sarcasm tendered by a person making a dull-job zippy or the peak of exaggeration, like any Republican policy statement.  It was thrilling to witness it, hyperbole intended.

Hot stop

The heat causes people to garden and golf while dogs are intelligent enough to find the A/C and slow down. 

Ground level

Being a dog means a life free of slow-closing hotel elevators. To the designers of these systems, the door should shut quickly, like Kevin James in the Zookeeper, the career of Foster the People or the avocado promotion at Subway.

NOTES: Kevin James should remain ashamed of Mall Cop never again. Pumped Up Kicks is a catchy tune but the tone defies the lyrics in which a kids pops his father with a gun found in the closet, chalk Foster up as a semi-hit wonder. Anyone ever say the only thing missing from the 12,349 sandwiches previously consumed at Subway is avocado? I rest my case.

Funny shot

Photos of ones crotch serve no purpose to a dog. People and the sub-set called politicians should follow the dog lead here. When you last name is Weiner your camera should be pointed at a Hebrew National, loaded with mustard, on a split-top bun.

Name game

Bring a dog named Mitt into the dog club and the canine creatures would chuckle. Same name will cause similar reactions from now until Super Tuesday next February. There hasn't been this much talk about mitt since the glove was invented.

Last Dogblog

Brody here.  Young pup.  Can we just play?  As the straw that stirs the drink isn't a raise in order?  This is over-performance.  The matrices are off the charts.  Technically proof is the best dog is the last dog bought.  Help me, there's a genius inside wanting out!

Guest dogger2

Continuing the vacation paws are switched blogging,  Hamish, middle dog, here and there at the same time.  Ever notice people expect dogs to listen to them? The species is dog, not robot. Our thoughts are our own crazy version of your world and we simply want to poop in it and get fed. Following orderly rules is not our idea.

Guest Dogger

Finn here filling in for Horace today as he is on vacation. As the oldest dog of three, vacation day one is mine. It's a seniority thing. Today until Sunday the tables are turned. Dogs do the blogging. As a small dog my hearing is normal. This may seem like an unnecessary declaration. However, on millions of occasions normal statements are made to me in a high-pitched voice as if a baby was cooing in a crib. Talk normal to a small dog.  Feed us yogurt more often, really, any flavor but blueberry.

Puzzle day

Halflinger
Exmoor
Yonaguni
Spanish Mustang
Holsteiner
Appaloosa
Russian Trotter
Oldenburg
Nonius
Irish Sport Horse
Thoroughbred
Shetland Pony
Yonaguni (2)
Orlov Trotter
Ukranian Riding Horse
Rocky Mountain Horse
Belgian Draft
Dales Pony
Arabian
Yonaguni (3)

It's June

Welcome to month six, June. Dogs don't know it's June. They do know it is getting hotter. To a dog the days are classified as hot or cold. When it's hot outside the AC better be on and cold. Their desire is obliged just like a card at a graduation party, it's the only way to go.